Wednesday, September 17, 2014

New and Improved

I know, I know.  You looked at the title of this post and probably thought I did something great with this blog, right?  Like have it dispense $20 bills every time you read the letter "a" in my post.  Good feature, I know, but alas, I've redirected your $20 into my fruity rum drink fund instead.


Feel free to cut this bill out of your monitor screen...
And that's the trouble with "new and improved", isn't it?  I'm always skeptical of that phrase when I see it on products.  Do you think Kool-Aide put "new and improved" when they were forced to remove "cyclamates"?  I remember their packages when I was a kid said proudly, "Now with cyclamates!" like they'd discovered some miracle lost ingredient that made their powered sugar so much more enjoyable...right.

The debilitating effects of kool-aid cyclamates revealed....
Some things truly are new and improved though.  Cell phones have definitely improved.  We've come a long way from the "Get Smart" shoe-sized phones in the 1980s that cost nearly $2,000.  I no longer need an alarm clock; they're obsolete.  I just use my phone.  I no longer need a land line.  Obsolete.  I don't need a calendar from my insurance salesman.  I don't need to go crazy trying to remember who was in that movie I just saw.  I whip out the smart phone and off to IMDB I go.  My brain doesn't need to store that trivial stuff anymore.

Act now and we'll send you a second phone to use as a door stop or boat anchor...
Then again, there's a down size to that new and improved too.  People are so plugged in to their phones they don't even look around while they are walking.  These days if there is a murder or accident, there's not going to be any witnesses.  They were all too preoccupied cheating at Scramble With Friends.  They're not going to hear anything either because they've got their entire musical library on their phones and have ear buds on preventing them from experiencing anything around them.

I could bring back streaking as a fad...but who would notice?
I like movies.  I have over 800 of them.  But what a pain to own such a large library.  Back when they were VHS tapes I'd have to have an entire wall to hold them all and all the rewinding would take away hours over time.  Then DVDs. Still, 800 DVDs takes up a huge bookshelf.  I quickly got rid of the covers and put them in albums.  While very compact, even those are heavy and I was always having to refile and resort them to add new movies in alphabetically.  These days?  They are all digital on two tiny external drives that I can take anywhere.  I must have over a thousand movies on them. The only trouble is that for whatever reason, movies with subtitles don't show the subtitles.  Yes, new and improved, but with a catch...

Yeah...not very mobile
Bottom line, the term "new and improved" is really just an oxy-moron because of the reality of how can something be both new AND improved in the first place.  Either it is new....or it is improved.  You can't fool me, you advertisers...

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Why "Or Best Offer" is Ridiculous

I went by some old rotting car in a yard that hadn't been mowed since before the car was built.  On the car was a "For Sale" sign.  They wanted some amount of money but then included the "O.B.O."  Of course, we all know that stands for "or best offer".


But what Earthly good is it to use that phase at all?  I mean really. You want $3750 for your piece of crap Plymouth Valiant?  You put "or best offer" and you've just guaranteed that you won't get full price.  You've already told them so.  

Just who's best offer is it?  It's certainly not yours.  Yours would be some astronomical number above asking price.  Theirs would be for "free".  The actual price is somewhere in between and you've just given them an immediate coupon.

I guess you could jack the price up unrealistically in the first place and then expect the "best offer" to come in at what you wanted in the first place.  That technique sometimes works in Pawn stores I suppose.

So next time you sell something...don't look stupid and add O.B.O to your item.  Do like everyone else: Overprice it and sell it on eBay!

Monday, June 30, 2014

There's a new blog in town

I've started up a new blog.

I know, I know.  The semi-serious one I started fizzled out and is gone.  The story telling one is there and sadly inactive.  I kept it around because I might get back into fiction writing at some point.

No, this one is travel humor related.  I keep traveling and wanted to venture out into that genre because I've been through the 10 million travel blogs out there and 9,999,998 are devoid of humor.  Even I was devoid of humor after reading all those.  Although there are some non-humor ones I do like.

The blog is called "Passport Obsession" and right now it is at www.passportobsession.blogspot.com but I'll make the grueling transformation to it's own domain name at www.passportobsession.com very soon (VE note...did it...about killed me but I did it).  They don't make it easy to do that and so I need a couple of hours of total techno-geek concentration.  I did it for this blog so I'm sure I can do it again.  We'll see...

Meanwhile, I'll continue to post to here from time to time.  There are just too many things that warrant a VE post I wouldn't be able to put on the new one anyway.

You know, stuff like this:





Friday, June 27, 2014

Oh my God...sign me up for one!


Now why didn't somebody think of this earlier?  Of course...the reason your ass gets fatigued and sore on a bike seat is because the right butt cheek is always fighting with the left butt cheek.

It's like those two guys in that original Star Trek episode where one was black on the left side and white on the right and the other guy was the opposite.  They never got along.  The same is actually true of your butt!

Now, thanks to foreign technology, you can have a Berlin Wall go right down your ass crack while riding!

A personal suggestion for those that live in Portland, OR or San Francisco, CA and participate in their annual naked bike ride...I wouldn't recommend the white saddle...

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Downsizing

Where has VE been?

- Gnome family reunion?
- Royal Caribbean cruise to Jupiter?

Both good guesses but you'd be wrong.  Yes, I moved again.  Back in 2008 I did a post about moving into our house and lamented about how taxing moving is with all the crap one accumulates over a lifetime so we settled on a single chair...


Well, there comes that point in your life when you realize that all those things are just material crap.  Think "Fight Club" but without all the fighting, violence, terrorism, perverse use of help groups etc.  Actually, I guess it wouldn't be Fight Club then.  Nevermind...

Anyway, we've drastically downsized.  We got rid of the chair and the house!

There is more coming...but it is top secret...

Another smaller chair?
Peanut M&Ms but with the peanut on the outside and the chocolate in the middle?
Movie theater showings without a Super Hero Movie on the bill?

I know...crazy possibilities....stay tuned


Friday, April 04, 2014

Long Winded about Short Stuff

Recently I dabbled in expanding to Facebook just to see what it was like.  There are many people that maintain blogs, Facebook and Twitter simultaneously.  A few of my old readers are exclusively on Facebook so I thought that was a chance to reach back out to them.  Also, I'm secretly jealous of the wifey-poo who has a friend list bigger than the population of some countries.

But I'd struggled with Facebook before and I continued to do so.  It's just not the forum I like.  I only ended up with a few friends and followers and the format was limiting.

My latest endeavor has been on Twitter.  This was an entirely new world to me lately.  In my real life I actually enjoy it because I get up-to-date info on a number of things I'd have to spend time searching about or just couldn't find.

But comedy through Twitter is a whole different animal.  With only 140 characters, you have to be pretty tight with your humor.  I've done the Steven Wright impersonations on here before and I thought I could adapt.  Turns out I can.  I started with absolutely zero followers and am up of 70 now in the less than two weeks I've been playing with it.  Not bad considering I only had about 7 friends on Facebook and only about 15-20 still read my blog regularly (with only 1-3 commenting anymore).

I'm afraid that Blogging died in 2010 and even more so in 2012.  I left with the ships back then but somehow I came back.  I like the long comedy format.  In the old days, I used to hit the Random button on Blogger just to see where I'd be taken.  There was a lot of variety out there then.  Now it's a graveyard of discarded blogs or it's taken over my religious blogs.  I was astounded how many of them are out there now.


But back to Twitter.  Here's some sampling of my Twitter humor....

With Paul Walker dead, will the movie studios make them change to "The Slow and the Serious"?

There's that sweet spot when you've slowed way down to piss off the tailgating road rager behind you but not slow enough that he shoots you

Why do they place those damn motion sensor towel dispensers right where the bathroom traffic walks by?

I just solved the whole toilet up/down problem in our house...I just pee in the hot tub...

Haven't seen "Young and the Restless" since 1987...oh good...it picks up almost where I left it...

I took all the homeless people out to my suburb for April Fools and said they could each have a home; their hosts would be waiting inside...

Oh come on, who hasn't wished they could turn their car into some kind of transformer tank vehicle and crush that idiot in front of them

In the 1920s they called bank security a "Bank Dick". Talk about an unfortunate career decision. "Yeah, my dad's a professional dick..."

Teaching my kids finance... "Put $100 in the bank and by retirement you'd have $107.42 or buy an obscure toy now then sell on Ebay for $3000

My buddy drinks too much Chocolate Soy Milk. I know this because he just left to clothes shop, get a facial and see about a boob lift.

I can't find Gluten-free Gluten for sale anywhere...

She thought my tears expressed how much i cared for her but really I was just deathly afraid she'd put "Beaches" in the DVD player

Odd. After a long bike ride my dick went temporarily numb and for 15 seconds I felt like a Congressman

I want a car stereo so loud that when I turn it all the way up at a stop light by the time it turns green my car looks like an IKEA purchase

I don't believe in athiests...

We're Lower Class here...we don't have Applebees, we only have the LemonSpider chain of restaurants

What if plants started charging us for oxygen?


Tuesday, April 01, 2014

VE Goes back to 700 BC

VE:  I think I'm lost

Local:  You are a warlock and must be burned

VE:  Well, before you run off to gather an angry mob, I'm hungry, where is the grocery store?

Local:  Do not approach me, devil man

VE:  Food?

Local points all around

VE:  Oh, wait, I get it.  The meat section is in the forest.  The vegetable section is in the field.  Frozen food is over on that glacier.  Fruits are at the orchard.  Got it, thanks.


VE thinking:  Man, grocery shopping was tough...no wonder it took so long to evolve!  I don't think I'll need my can opener....

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Scenes from the Grocery Store

VE:  Ok, Lamb and Vegetables, check.

VE:  Nutritious Beef and Rice, check.

VE:  Salmon, Shrimp and Red Snapper, check.

VE:  Turkey and Potato, check.

Wife-poo walks up...

VE:  Honey, I've got the week`s dinners figured out.

Wifey-poo:  You're in the pet food section...


VE:  Damn

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Great MEME Challenge Match - Part 2

Ok, MEME Fans.  It is time for round two.

This time around, I provide the questions and then my answers.  I'll post those here (see below) and then I'll give Lime some time (7 minutes enough?) to take my post and add her own answers to a post on her blog to create round two of the great MEME Shredding challenge!

For those of you that missed round one....shame on you....it's here:  Round 1.

Ok, here we go:

1.  If you were a cartoon character, who would you be and why?

VE:  Gromit (from Wallace and Gromit) because he never says a word (no lines to memorize) and yet he seems to know so much more than he ever actual reveals….I like that….

2.  Name 5 things in your closet

VE:  1. Malaysia Flight 360  2. DB Cooper  3. The City of Atlantis   4. The Missing Link  5. Amelia Earhart

3.  What is the one food you hate?

VE:  Hamburger/Cabbage Smoothies

4.  If you could have any last name, what would it be?

VE:  It would be "MisshernowIhavetokissher".  Because then people would have to say Mr. MisshernowIhavetokissher when they announce me...

5:  What's your personal bumper sticker?

VE:  It's a picture of a household light on/off switch but with a fork as the mechanism to turn it on and off.  It is in the off position (ie....fork off!)

6.  When was the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?

VE:  Just last night…our dog eats WAY too much during the day…and the farting doesn’t help either

7.  What should you be doing that you are not doing now?

VE:  Assembling my time optimizer.  It’s not just a time machine that sends you back in time but it also returns you to your most optimal fitness level at the same time.  Don’t worry though, the great thing about building a time machine is that you don’t have a time constraint to finish it.

8.  If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

VE:  I would make sure I was credited with the invention of fire

9.  What is something you want right now?

VE:  A secret underground tunnel system going from my home to strategic spots all over town that allows me to drive to them directly and without traffic

10.  Name something you want to learn.

VE:  How to build a device that allows me to adjust gravity.  This would be a big time saver…floating over other cars on a busy street, not having to wait for the next elevator because that one is too crowded, etc. etc.


And there you have it.  Round 2 which I hope Lime will post follow ups to on her blog.  I'll post a link here when she does

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Great MEME Challenge Match: Lime vs VE (part 1)

Lime over at House of Lime recently had a MEME shredding post.  I LOVE MEME shredding.  I think she was the first to inspire me to shred them.  What is a MEME shred?  It's being ridiculous with the MEME questions if you haven't figured that out.  And where else but here can you get that much nonsense?  If you don't know what a MEME is...for shame!  It's just a way of helping the narcissistic bloggers have something to write about themselves by offering up a bunch of questions.

Lime started blogging back in 2005; a full 8 months before I started in 2006.  Yes, it was those nostalgic times when people were still blogging, when phones weren't smart, when we still had home phones, when people still used Internet Explorer as their browser, when George Bush was spending money we didn't have faster than Facebook was growing.  Ah, good times...

So given that Lime has actually been blogging even longer than I have, I thought I'd morph her MEME into a blog post MEME challenge match!!!  I'm going to take round one and add my own answers alongside hers and then I'll take first stab at the ones she didn't answer and see if she'll challenge those in the same way on her blog.   Should be fun...or at least ridiculous.

1 - Have you ever voluntarily put anything up your nose aside from drugs?

Lime:
  Anyone who won't admit to having put a finger up there at some point during his or her life is a liar.
VE:  I once tried to put the state of North Dakota in there but it didn't quite fit

2 - Is it still there?


Lime:  (Looks shocked as if just caught in the act)  No! Of course not!
VE:  No, my nose was getting too cold in the winter

3 - How many real teeth (that is, not store bought) do you have in your mouth?


Lime:  32 
VE:  127.  I tried to fit more in but eventually you just start swallowing them...

4 - If you could take any two things on the planet and staple them together, what would they be?


Lime: The superintendent of my school district to the assistant superintendent.
VE:  I'd staple a vacuum cleaner to my neighbor's minivan.  Her driving already sucks...might as well let the rest of the world know too...

5 - Do you think plants can hear you think?


Lime:  Shhhh....
VE:  Of course not, whoever accused me of actually thinking?

6 - How many rocks are in your house?


Lime:  The ones in bowls on my counter or the ones in my head too?
Ed:  Just the one I'm living under

7 - If I asked you to shove a toy surprise up my ass and call me Crackerjack, would you compare and contrast Napoleon's march on Moscow with Ritchie Blackmore's guitar solo on
 Highway Star?

Lime: I'd besmirch the wombat scissors with durian fruit because the metaphysics of Looney Tunes tesselates post-colonial Africa.
VE:  Or I could shove a McDonald's free kids toy up your ass and call you a "Happy Male" and then compare and contrast the Black Plague of the 1300s to strip mall franchise expansions in the USA

8 - Why are you still reading this?


Lime:  It keeps me from picking my nose.
VE:  Because despite how painful it is, work is ALWAYS worse

9 - Do you think it's going to get better?


Lime:  Good Lord, I hope so!
VE:  It's getting better all the time.  I used to get mad at my school (No I can't complain)
The teachers who taught me weren't cool (No I can't complain)
You're holding me down (Oh), turning me round (Oh)
Filling me up with your rules (Foolish rules)
I've got to admit it's getting better (Better)
A little better all the time (It can't get more worse)
......oh, sorry, Beatles digression....what was the question?

10 - Why is a kumquat not entirely unlike a porcupine?


Lime:  Neither makes a good alternative fuel source.
VE:  Because the kumquat just makes this "pthhht" squishy sound when I run it over on the highway with my SUV whereas the porcupine makes a "thumpity" sound as it pierces my tires in its desperate attempt at defending life.  (Don't you animal activists whine to me...what ventures onto the highway is MINE for the killing....muhaha....)

11 - When do you think the world will end?


Lime:  I'm not sure but I wonder about sequels.
VE:  It's already ended.  This is just the 2,340,224th showing at the Orphen Theater on the planet Lunith where the Lunithtoonians re-enact their favorite human tragedies on a small stage right below the movie showing.

And there you have it.  Round 1 which I follow up to Lime's initial answers.  Round 2 will be coming.  I'll post my answers to more questions and then have Lime take on the follow ups on her blog!  Stay tuned...