Thursday, August 27, 2015

Terrifying Things


You know, it's been awhile since I had a guest blog post.

You know, it's been awhile since I had even a post!  Don't go there...

Yes, it's tough to do blog posting while retired in Spain.  I was going to wait for a rainy day to post but it hasn't rained....since like April.  And I did get a bit sidetracked by visiting Rome, Paris, London and Liverpool this summer...so don't blame me on the lack of VE humor...it's just very difficult living this life of luxury...

So anyway, I do have a guest blogger...

Ash Stevens is a bi-cultural blond with a B.S. in Sarcasm. When she's not reading up on the latest green trend, she's touring the country to educate people on the importance of feminine armpit hair. Find her on Twitter @AshStevens000

So...without further ado...here's her guest post (and this should garner a few "ewww" comments...another thing I haven't had on the blog for awhile...hehehe

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The world is full of terrifying things. Abducting aliens, oatmeal raisin cookies, Donald Trump, and ghosts all make us grimace in horror. These things all keep me awake at night, but one thing haunts me at night like nothing else… Parasites. I would happily jump aboard an alien ship or marry Trump before I would become a parasitic host. Read on, and you too will see why...

Dirofilaria immitis (aka Heartworm)
These lovely little parasites are passed to dear Fido and Fluffy by mosquitoes. Doggy dearest gets bit and then, six months later, these itty-bitty parasitic larvae have transformed into adult spaghetti noodles that squirm through the heart and lungs.

And just what does a heart-loving worm look like in action?
I thought you’d never ask!





Spaghetti with heart sauce courtesy of Valley Vet

These guys are certified barf-arific. Do the world a favor and get your dog-loving friends some heartworm medication for Christmas.

Ticks
These buggers are nothing new, however, blood-suckers are always a worthy honorable mention. It’s great enough that they feed off our blood, but get a load of how they do it!

First, they find themselves a cozy little spot to cling into. Then they cut through our skin so they can insert their handy little feeding tube (even barbed for mobile feeding convenience). Once the blood starts flowing they can hang out there up to fifteen days. And you won’t know it! Thanks to natural selection, these nasty little bugs are nature’s licensed anaesthesiologists, emitting their very own numbing medication for your parasite-hosting pleasure.

If that’s not nasty enough, consider this. They creep around from host to host drinking even more blood, adding to their inner stew of pathogens, happily sharing diseases everywhere they go.



Disturbing enlargement credits to Havahart

Shave your head, your dog, your everything. And if you’re itching to frolic through grassy hills or skip down lush mountains, then throw on a tick collar.

Botflies
Here’s another fabulous parasitic freeloader we can thank mosquitoes for (may they burn in hell). Botfly grabs mosquito, botfly drops a couple eggs on mosquito, mosquito flies off to find something to eat, eggs fall on fleshy victim and hatch, and botfly larvae chomp through fleshy victim’s skin.

Good news? They’re only flesh-crashing until they’re ready for the next stage of the lifecycle. Bad news? Their handy little tunnel serves as a ventilation system, so they’ll regularly peek out to say hello. No, this does NOT make them easy to get out! They’re fat little creeps, and if they explode inside you, you’ll see the magic that intestinal microbes can work with meaty tunnels.


What lesson can we take from this? Flights to South America are cheap for a reason.

Guinea Worms
Some people lie awake in bed with thoughts of machete-wielding burglars. Then there are people like me who sob prayers into their pillow, with small breaks for dry-heaving, over the haunting thoughts of the guinea worm.

It all starts with a hungry water flea that ends up getting swallowed by some silly mammal. Stomach acid gets to work, and the worms are freed. An incestuous coupling ensues, and then big mama makes her way to a lower limb where she chomps on tasty tissues and grows up to five feet long.

The disgust doesn’t end there though! Mama had laid her eggs, and now there’s an excruciating blister. When bath-time comes for our lucky little host, the blister breaks and thousands of larvae swim away. Fun as that is, now mom has her cue to make a break for it, and she spends the next few weeks writhing her 3-5 foot long body out of your broken blister. 





Photo Courtesy of a Google Search

Note: Hypnotherapists can wipe your memory free of the Guinea Worm for a considerable and totally-worth-it fee.  

Ascariasis
I’m not sure what’s more revolting. The fact that doo-doo is a part of the process, or that these things may use your mouth or nose to make a break for it

Anyways, someone somehow “accidentally” scarfs down some fecal-covered eggs, which then hit the stomach and hatch into wriggly little worms. Some of them will work their way up the throat where you may end up tongueing them before they’re swallowed deep into your digestive system. Others will call it good by crashing in the lungs (smart move considering they’re conveniently located near the emergency exits provided by your face).

Consider including scrub brushes, soap, acid, and poo detectors in your travel bag.

Conclusion
Get rid of your pets, pressure wash yourself three times daily, boil everything to hell and back before ingestion, and never leave home without a water filter. In fact, skip out on leaving home in general.

  
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Thanks to Ash for giving me a post and making my readers cringe with those special photos...

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Local Fad


Okay, only in America (well...maybe Japan) would an airport's former carpet design be so popular that they would have T-shirts and socks sold from the design.  Oh, and they even had the carpet as a character used as a mascot!  Really?  A piece of carpet is a mascot?

Of course, this is a fad that will later be looked on fondly by those that endured it and say "remember back in 2015 when we had the Portland Airport carpet fad?"

You know...like pet rocks and all those other crazy fads over the years.  

As for the actual carpet?  It was so popular and synonymous with Portland that they put in a very similar design else people would revolt!  Meanwhile, the original carpet was sold and they are selling pieces of it for stupid people that would buy stuff like that.  

I just don't need a piece of worn carpet trod on by 200,000 travelers but thanks for asking...

But then again, I don't have to worry about all that now.  I'm retired and living in the south of Spain where they don't have such strange nonsense.  Until I ran into this while biking on a back road close by...


I guess weird is everywhere!

Monday, April 06, 2015

More things you didn't know about

Most Monty Python fans know about Eric the half a Bee but very, very few know about Molly the half a cat...




Monday, December 29, 2014

2015...where work is for the weak

Ah...2015...just like 2007 but without all my readers.  Actually, its more like 2006 when I started this blog and didn't have any readers.

Of course, that's not true either.  Well, it's true I had almost no readers in 2006 but these days I average more reads on my posts than ever, it's just that people are hitting my older posts via Google.  I guess if you hang on long enough, that's what happens.  You become a search database.

Let's see, not much happened to VE in 2014...

Oh, wait, my son moved out leaving us empty-nesters.
Oh, and we sold our 3200sf house
Oh, and we sold practically everything we own and moved into a  984sf apartment
Oh, and we quit our jobs
Oh, and we sold our cars
Oh, and we got a residence Visa to live in the South of Spain
Oh, and we leave Jan 19, 2015!

No phones, no furniture, nothing but my two bikes, a computer, some personal papers and two suitcases!

Just like College...without the massive debt in tuition loans...

So I bid USA farewell.  I bid the 284 days of rain in Portland farewell and say hello to the 320 days of sunshine in the South of Spain.  We'll be living in the town of Almunecar.  Don't worry, you've never been there.  You have to zoom on Google maps at least three or four times to find it.  It's directly South from Granada.  Go until you hit the water!  It doesn't have daytime highs below 54 even in the dead of winter.  Most of the time it is 70-90.  It isn't too humid.  Think Southern California minus the overcrowding, smog, crime, high costs and Mexican food...

Here are some teaser pictures of the town we will be living in:
This is our beach.  Well...not ours personally but within a 2 minute walk...
Here's the town Castle...no, we don't live in it but every town should have a castle!
This is a walkway along the beach so we don't even have to walk on the beach if we don't want to...goes for miles!
We will be living in the "old town".  Since the town is 2800 years old, that is very old!
The avenues in the old town are so narrow only donkeys would fit, no cars.  No, we won't be purchasing a donkey though.  We can walk.

And so, 2015 will be the year VE goes global, speaks Spanish and generally focuses on all things not work related.  Because work is for the weak (okay, so some of you need a roof over your head and food and ridiculous stuff like that...I get it)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christmas is for...

Once again Christmas is upon us. Let us not forget the meaning of Christmas.


I'll help you break it down.  Let's start letter by letter...


C is for Claus


H is for Ho Ho Ho


R is for Rednecks


I is for Innevitable


S is for Santa


T is for Mr. T


M is for Misinterpretation


A is for American Christmas


S is for Sleigh



And there you have it...C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S....the true meaning of a modern holiday.

Remember...the weird is out there!  Enjoy the holidays...

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Thursday, November 20, 2014

It is Inevitable...


Oh come on now...we know this will happen somewhere, someplace...

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Apparently Washington is more "Evergreen" than you thought

Well with Washington state legalizing marijuana, I'd say they are really living up to their state motto...



I just happen to live right across the border in Oregon.  I'm sure if Portland had their way, Oregon would be right behind them.  Nobody works in Portland anyway so what's the issue?

I know Colorado has it legalized too but their already so high what does it really matter?   Besides, how much can you really grow in an environment lacking in oxygen and changing from sunny and 70 to snowing in a matter of a few minutes.



But back to Washington.  We drove over there for a hike not long ago and as we crossed the toll bridge over the Columbia River (yes, we have a large river separating us so that most of the stoners will drown trying to cross and the rest will drive off the side of the bridge trying to get across).

Anyway, as we passed into Washington, I half expected somebody to be greeting us at the border, "Welcome to Washington, here's your doobie..."

Amazingly that didn't happen.  Nor did I find a state-wide shortage of Twinkies or Doritos. The mini-markets weren't standing-line only.  Are you sure pot is legal here?  I don't understand.

The typical chip and snack aisle at a Washington grocery store
But during a visit to the Seattle area for a 200 mile bike ride this summer, I definitely witnessed several cars filled with smoke.  One of them opened their door as I went by and you'd think they installed a fireplace as an option on the car what with the smoke that came billowing out.

That's either pot smoke or they purchased the wood stove option on the car

Now I'm not sure what all the fuss is about.  Frankly, the wifey-poo and I take walks in Portland nightly and there is so much pot smell coming from one particular corner nightly that we think they're burning it as incense!  


Monday, October 20, 2014

This and That

Okay, so the wifey-poo had this professional license for 15 years and didn't really need it but kept it "just in case"...because...well, you know, job security is about as reliable as a 10-day weather forecast these days.  So she FINALLY didn't renew it.  Apparently, they were quite "put out" because she received this back...


Do you think it is just me or are they a little miffed?  I didn't know they made stamps (or fonts) that big.  What they are really saying with this is from the old Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie..."I fart in your general direction"

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So then we were walking through Whole Foods the other day (which my mother calls "Whole Paycheck"...but hey...unprocessed foods apparently cost more than chemical-laden fake foods so there you go).  Anyway, I couldn't help but notice their pies:


"Forest Berry" pie?  Really?  This pie should cost like $100 because I've hiked through a lot of forests and I don't see a lot of berries growing in them.  If this weren't just a marketing ploy it would take a LOT of effort to harvest enough "forest berries" to make a pie...

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And finally, the gnomes have been trying to convince me that it would be quite funny to steal all of the rich home's security warning signs from their yards and then put them ALL on the lawn of the neighborhood dumpy-looking house. Sure, Mr. Rich House, nobody will break into your security-enabled home...but did you protect that warning sign?  Noooope....

Sure, the house is protected...but what if I steal your precious security sign?

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Creepy Tourism

Hey now...with Halloween just around the corner I thought, what can I do this year to scare the crap out of myself?  Normally I just tune in to world affairs to do that but I thought I'd combine my love of travel with a novel money-making scheme.

Theme'd tours are all the rage and I love to travel and with Halloween here, how about a creep-you-out world tour of abandoned amusement parks.  Seriously...these places are just creepy and you'd be surprised how many failed ones there are.  Take a virtual tour...


Go ahead...venture on in to "Paul's" mouth...
Yeah...the ghosts don't drive very well...

Not what I want to run into on a cold dreary day just at dusk...
This is where I let you venture on...all-by-yourself...
Go ahead...have a LOT of Fun in this funhouse...
No telling what you're gonna find as you head up the hill...
Palace or last resting place?  Go on in and see...
I could hire people to hide in these and scare you but the ghosts probably handle that fine
After you...
This is where I leave you blindfolded and alone counting to 100...
I'd say "Fool" Zone would be more appropriate now
Sit on down...we'll put on "The Shining" or "The Ring" and you can watch by yourself as it gets dark
Everbody loves abandoned abused over-sized clown heads
Dare you to sit down and see if the ride starts up on it's own...
Any fortune told from here can't be good...
Go right on in, order up...
Hey, if you wait awhile, the ghost coaster will arrive...
Hide and seek time...come find me...
Okay, and if you enjoyed that one, I'll be working on another world tour of creepy abandoned hospitals and insane asylums... 

Take a soak and relax...
Rumor has it Hitler was treated at this facility during WWI...bonus...
And finally, if that just isn't enough scare for you...you'll get invited to a special location.  The mysterious island of creepy hanging dolls that nobody seems to know who put them there or why but rumor has it the eyes follow you.