Monday, October 20, 2014

This and That

Okay, so the wifey-poo had this professional license for 15 years and didn't really need it but kept it "just in case"...because...well, you know, job security is about as reliable as a 10-day weather forecast these days.  So she FINALLY didn't renew it.  Apparently, they were quite "put out" because she received this back...


Do you think it is just me or are they a little miffed?  I didn't know they made stamps (or fonts) that big.  What they are really saying with this is from the old Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie..."I fart in your general direction"

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So then we were walking through Whole Foods the other day (which my mother calls "Whole Paycheck"...but hey...unprocessed foods apparently cost more than chemical-laden fake foods so there you go).  Anyway, I couldn't help but notice their pies:


"Forest Berry" pie?  Really?  This pie should cost like $100 because I've hiked through a lot of forests and I don't see a lot of berries growing in them.  If this weren't just a marketing ploy it would take a LOT of effort to harvest enough "forest berries" to make a pie...

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And finally, the gnomes have been trying to convince me that it would be quite funny to steal all of the rich home's security warning signs from their yards and then put them ALL on the lawn of the neighborhood dumpy-looking house. Sure, Mr. Rich House, nobody will break into your security-enabled home...but did you protect that warning sign?  Noooope....

Sure, the house is protected...but what if I steal your precious security sign?

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Creepy Tourism

Hey now...with Halloween just around the corner I thought, what can I do this year to scare the crap out of myself?  Normally I just tune in to world affairs to do that but I thought I'd combine my love of travel with a novel money-making scheme.

Theme'd tours are all the rage and I love to travel and with Halloween here, how about a creep-you-out world tour of abandoned amusement parks.  Seriously...these places are just creepy and you'd be surprised how many failed ones there are.  Take a virtual tour...


Go ahead...venture on in to "Paul's" mouth...
Yeah...the ghosts don't drive very well...

Not what I want to run into on a cold dreary day just at dusk...
This is where I let you venture on...all-by-yourself...
Go ahead...have a LOT of Fun in this funhouse...
No telling what you're gonna find as you head up the hill...
Palace or last resting place?  Go on in and see...
I could hire people to hide in these and scare you but the ghosts probably handle that fine
After you...
This is where I leave you blindfolded and alone counting to 100...
I'd say "Fool" Zone would be more appropriate now
Sit on down...we'll put on "The Shining" or "The Ring" and you can watch by yourself as it gets dark
Everbody loves abandoned abused over-sized clown heads
Dare you to sit down and see if the ride starts up on it's own...
Any fortune told from here can't be good...
Go right on in, order up...
Hey, if you wait awhile, the ghost coaster will arrive...
Hide and seek time...come find me...
Okay, and if you enjoyed that one, I'll be working on another world tour of creepy abandoned hospitals and insane asylums... 

Take a soak and relax...
Rumor has it Hitler was treated at this facility during WWI...bonus...
And finally, if that just isn't enough scare for you...you'll get invited to a special location.  The mysterious island of creepy hanging dolls that nobody seems to know who put them there or why but rumor has it the eyes follow you.





Wednesday, October 08, 2014

I'm sure all the Vampires are Happy about our "Blood Moon"

Okay, this is topical and we'll all forget about it next week when the next "squirrel" diverts our ADD attention to some other shiny object...

Apparently we have a "blood moon" right now.  Other than mammals, I don't associate "blood" with anything else.  I don't have blood cell phones, my lawn doesn't have blood grass, I don't hike in the forest among blood trees.  So what is up with blood oranges?  And now blood moons?  Perhaps the current Ebola crisis has spread further than we realized?


When I was a kid we had full moons, no moons and every iteration in between.  But all of a sudden, this generation feels the need to dramatize every simple nuance of things.  Now we have "super" moons and "blood" moons.

What's next?  Square moons?  Are scientists going to tell us that every 179,000 years the moon morphs into a square?  I don't know...


Now if I saw THIS...then it might be a "Super" moon...
Still, that orangy-red color of the moon at moon rise and moon set are pretty spectacular to look at.  I'm sure there will be several million digital pictures taken and left sitting in some computer folder or cloud-based photo storage for all eternity (or until you forget to back up your hard drive and it goes out and you reassess your life as a result and abandon all technology going forward and live as a monk in inner China...but that might be a minority of people).

Come on, do you need more proof that this blood moon is attacking our cities?
Some people tend to get a bit wacky during full moons...what are they like during super moons?  And how about blood moons?  Do we see more zombies during this time?  Do vampires rest easy during a blood moon because they feel satiated?  Do werewolves get worse during a super moon or a blood moon?

I think since we're already down the road of sensationalism, we might as well go all the way...how about:

- Black Hole nights where it's extra-ordinarily dark, not just dark.  What if it is so dark we cannot see the stars?  Then we could start selling special flashlights and headlights to handle such a phenomenon.

- Faucet rain where it isn't just a drop, it's like having a thick continuous stream of water dumping down on you.  That would sell a lot of houseboats...

- Self-aware plants. Sort of like Treebeard in Lord of the Rings, the plants suddenly are not happy with their situation and start rebelling against us.  Right out of a B-rate 1950s movie!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

New and Improved

I know, I know.  You looked at the title of this post and probably thought I did something great with this blog, right?  Like have it dispense $20 bills every time you read the letter "a" in my post.  Good feature, I know, but alas, I've redirected your $20 into my fruity rum drink fund instead.


Feel free to cut this bill out of your monitor screen...
And that's the trouble with "new and improved", isn't it?  I'm always skeptical of that phrase when I see it on products.  Do you think Kool-Aide put "new and improved" when they were forced to remove "cyclamates"?  I remember their packages when I was a kid said proudly, "Now with cyclamates!" like they'd discovered some miracle lost ingredient that made their powered sugar so much more enjoyable...right.

The debilitating effects of kool-aid cyclamates revealed....
Some things truly are new and improved though.  Cell phones have definitely improved.  We've come a long way from the "Get Smart" shoe-sized phones in the 1980s that cost nearly $2,000.  I no longer need an alarm clock; they're obsolete.  I just use my phone.  I no longer need a land line.  Obsolete.  I don't need a calendar from my insurance salesman.  I don't need to go crazy trying to remember who was in that movie I just saw.  I whip out the smart phone and off to IMDB I go.  My brain doesn't need to store that trivial stuff anymore.

Act now and we'll send you a second phone to use as a door stop or boat anchor...
Then again, there's a down size to that new and improved too.  People are so plugged in to their phones they don't even look around while they are walking.  These days if there is a murder or accident, there's not going to be any witnesses.  They were all too preoccupied cheating at Scramble With Friends.  They're not going to hear anything either because they've got their entire musical library on their phones and have ear buds on preventing them from experiencing anything around them.

I could bring back streaking as a fad...but who would notice?
I like movies.  I have over 800 of them.  But what a pain to own such a large library.  Back when they were VHS tapes I'd have to have an entire wall to hold them all and all the rewinding would take away hours over time.  Then DVDs. Still, 800 DVDs takes up a huge bookshelf.  I quickly got rid of the covers and put them in albums.  While very compact, even those are heavy and I was always having to refile and resort them to add new movies in alphabetically.  These days?  They are all digital on two tiny external drives that I can take anywhere.  I must have over a thousand movies on them. The only trouble is that for whatever reason, movies with subtitles don't show the subtitles.  Yes, new and improved, but with a catch...

Yeah...not very mobile
Bottom line, the term "new and improved" is really just an oxy-moron because of the reality of how can something be both new AND improved in the first place.  Either it is new....or it is improved.  You can't fool me, you advertisers...

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Why "Or Best Offer" is Ridiculous

I went by some old rotting car in a yard that hadn't been mowed since before the car was built.  On the car was a "For Sale" sign.  They wanted some amount of money but then included the "O.B.O."  Of course, we all know that stands for "or best offer".


But what Earthly good is it to use that phase at all?  I mean really. You want $3750 for your piece of crap Plymouth Valiant?  You put "or best offer" and you've just guaranteed that you won't get full price.  You've already told them so.  

Just who's best offer is it?  It's certainly not yours.  Yours would be some astronomical number above asking price.  Theirs would be for "free".  The actual price is somewhere in between and you've just given them an immediate coupon.

I guess you could jack the price up unrealistically in the first place and then expect the "best offer" to come in at what you wanted in the first place.  That technique sometimes works in Pawn stores I suppose.

So next time you sell something...don't look stupid and add O.B.O to your item.  Do like everyone else: Overprice it and sell it on eBay!

Monday, June 30, 2014

There's a new blog in town

I've started up a new blog.

I know, I know.  The semi-serious one I started fizzled out and is gone.  The story telling one is there and sadly inactive.  I kept it around because I might get back into fiction writing at some point.

No, this one is travel humor related.  I keep traveling and wanted to venture out into that genre because I've been through the 10 million travel blogs out there and 9,999,998 are devoid of humor.  Even I was devoid of humor after reading all those.  Although there are some non-humor ones I do like.

The blog is called "Passport Obsession" and right now it is at www.passportobsession.blogspot.com but I'll make the grueling transformation to it's own domain name at www.passportobsession.com very soon (VE note...did it...about killed me but I did it).  They don't make it easy to do that and so I need a couple of hours of total techno-geek concentration.  I did it for this blog so I'm sure I can do it again.  We'll see...

Meanwhile, I'll continue to post to here from time to time.  There are just too many things that warrant a VE post I wouldn't be able to put on the new one anyway.

You know, stuff like this:





Friday, June 27, 2014

Oh my God...sign me up for one!


Now why didn't somebody think of this earlier?  Of course...the reason your ass gets fatigued and sore on a bike seat is because the right butt cheek is always fighting with the left butt cheek.

It's like those two guys in that original Star Trek episode where one was black on the left side and white on the right and the other guy was the opposite.  They never got along.  The same is actually true of your butt!

Now, thanks to foreign technology, you can have a Berlin Wall go right down your ass crack while riding!

A personal suggestion for those that live in Portland, OR or San Francisco, CA and participate in their annual naked bike ride...I wouldn't recommend the white saddle...

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Downsizing

Where has VE been?

- Gnome family reunion?
- Royal Caribbean cruise to Jupiter?

Both good guesses but you'd be wrong.  Yes, I moved again.  Back in 2008 I did a post about moving into our house and lamented about how taxing moving is with all the crap one accumulates over a lifetime so we settled on a single chair...


Well, there comes that point in your life when you realize that all those things are just material crap.  Think "Fight Club" but without all the fighting, violence, terrorism, perverse use of help groups etc.  Actually, I guess it wouldn't be Fight Club then.  Nevermind...

Anyway, we've drastically downsized.  We got rid of the chair and the house!

There is more coming...but it is top secret...

Another smaller chair?
Peanut M&Ms but with the peanut on the outside and the chocolate in the middle?
Movie theater showings without a Super Hero Movie on the bill?

I know...crazy possibilities....stay tuned


Friday, April 04, 2014

Long Winded about Short Stuff

Recently I dabbled in expanding to Facebook just to see what it was like.  There are many people that maintain blogs, Facebook and Twitter simultaneously.  A few of my old readers are exclusively on Facebook so I thought that was a chance to reach back out to them.  Also, I'm secretly jealous of the wifey-poo who has a friend list bigger than the population of some countries.

But I'd struggled with Facebook before and I continued to do so.  It's just not the forum I like.  I only ended up with a few friends and followers and the format was limiting.

My latest endeavor has been on Twitter.  This was an entirely new world to me lately.  In my real life I actually enjoy it because I get up-to-date info on a number of things I'd have to spend time searching about or just couldn't find.

But comedy through Twitter is a whole different animal.  With only 140 characters, you have to be pretty tight with your humor.  I've done the Steven Wright impersonations on here before and I thought I could adapt.  Turns out I can.  I started with absolutely zero followers and am up of 70 now in the less than two weeks I've been playing with it.  Not bad considering I only had about 7 friends on Facebook and only about 15-20 still read my blog regularly (with only 1-3 commenting anymore).

I'm afraid that Blogging died in 2010 and even more so in 2012.  I left with the ships back then but somehow I came back.  I like the long comedy format.  In the old days, I used to hit the Random button on Blogger just to see where I'd be taken.  There was a lot of variety out there then.  Now it's a graveyard of discarded blogs or it's taken over my religious blogs.  I was astounded how many of them are out there now.


But back to Twitter.  Here's some sampling of my Twitter humor....

With Paul Walker dead, will the movie studios make them change to "The Slow and the Serious"?

There's that sweet spot when you've slowed way down to piss off the tailgating road rager behind you but not slow enough that he shoots you

Why do they place those damn motion sensor towel dispensers right where the bathroom traffic walks by?

I just solved the whole toilet up/down problem in our house...I just pee in the hot tub...

Haven't seen "Young and the Restless" since 1987...oh good...it picks up almost where I left it...

I took all the homeless people out to my suburb for April Fools and said they could each have a home; their hosts would be waiting inside...

Oh come on, who hasn't wished they could turn their car into some kind of transformer tank vehicle and crush that idiot in front of them

In the 1920s they called bank security a "Bank Dick". Talk about an unfortunate career decision. "Yeah, my dad's a professional dick..."

Teaching my kids finance... "Put $100 in the bank and by retirement you'd have $107.42 or buy an obscure toy now then sell on Ebay for $3000

My buddy drinks too much Chocolate Soy Milk. I know this because he just left to clothes shop, get a facial and see about a boob lift.

I can't find Gluten-free Gluten for sale anywhere...

She thought my tears expressed how much i cared for her but really I was just deathly afraid she'd put "Beaches" in the DVD player

Odd. After a long bike ride my dick went temporarily numb and for 15 seconds I felt like a Congressman

I want a car stereo so loud that when I turn it all the way up at a stop light by the time it turns green my car looks like an IKEA purchase

I don't believe in athiests...

We're Lower Class here...we don't have Applebees, we only have the LemonSpider chain of restaurants

What if plants started charging us for oxygen?


Tuesday, April 01, 2014

VE Goes back to 700 BC

VE:  I think I'm lost

Local:  You are a warlock and must be burned

VE:  Well, before you run off to gather an angry mob, I'm hungry, where is the grocery store?

Local:  Do not approach me, devil man

VE:  Food?

Local points all around

VE:  Oh, wait, I get it.  The meat section is in the forest.  The vegetable section is in the field.  Frozen food is over on that glacier.  Fruits are at the orchard.  Got it, thanks.


VE thinking:  Man, grocery shopping was tough...no wonder it took so long to evolve!  I don't think I'll need my can opener....