You know, it's been awhile since I had a guest blog post.
You know, it's been awhile since I had even a post! Don't go there...
Yes, it's tough to do blog posting while retired in Spain. I was going to wait for a rainy day to post but it hasn't rained....since like April. And I did get a bit sidetracked by visiting Rome, Paris, London and Liverpool this summer...so don't blame me on the lack of VE humor...it's just very difficult living this life of luxury...
So anyway, I do have a guest blogger...
Ash Stevens is a bi-cultural blond with a B.S. in Sarcasm. When she's
not reading up on the latest green trend, she's touring the country to educate
people on the importance of feminine armpit hair. Find her on Twitter
@AshStevens000
So...without further ado...here's her guest post (and this should garner a few "ewww" comments...another thing I haven't had on the blog for awhile...hehehe
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The world is full of terrifying things. Abducting aliens, oatmeal raisin
cookies, Donald Trump, and ghosts all make us grimace in horror. These things
all keep me awake at night, but one thing haunts me at night like nothing else…
Parasites. I would happily jump aboard an alien ship or marry Trump
before I would become a parasitic host. Read on, and you too will see why...
Dirofilaria immitis (aka Heartworm)
These lovely little parasites are passed to dear Fido and Fluffy by
mosquitoes. Doggy dearest gets bit and then, six months later, these itty-bitty
parasitic larvae have transformed into adult spaghetti noodles that squirm
through the heart and lungs.
And just what does a heart-loving worm look like in action? I thought you’d never ask!
These guys are certified barf-arific. Do the world a favor and get your
dog-loving friends some heartworm medication for Christmas.
Ticks
These buggers are nothing new, however, blood-suckers are always a
worthy honorable mention. It’s great enough that they feed off our blood, but
get a load of how they do it!
First, they find themselves a cozy little spot to cling into. Then they cut
through our skin so they can insert their handy little feeding tube (even
barbed for mobile feeding convenience). Once the blood starts flowing they can
hang out there up to fifteen days. And you won’t know it! Thanks to natural selection, these nasty little
bugs are nature’s licensed anaesthesiologists, emitting their very own numbing
medication for your parasite-hosting pleasure.
If that’s not nasty enough, consider this. They creep around from host to
host drinking even more blood, adding to their inner stew of pathogens,
happily sharing diseases everywhere they go.
Disturbing enlargement credits to Havahart
Shave your head, your dog, your everything. And if you’re itching to frolic
through grassy hills or skip down lush mountains, then throw on a tick collar.
Botflies
Here’s another fabulous parasitic freeloader we can thank mosquitoes for
(may they burn in hell). Botfly grabs mosquito, botfly drops a couple eggs on
mosquito, mosquito flies off to find something to eat, eggs fall on fleshy
victim and hatch, and botfly larvae chomp through fleshy victim’s skin.
Good news? They’re only flesh-crashing until they’re ready for the next
stage of the lifecycle. Bad news? Their handy little tunnel serves as a
ventilation system, so they’ll regularly peek out to say hello. No, this does
NOT make them easy to get out! They’re fat little creeps, and if they explode
inside you, you’ll see the magic that intestinal microbes can work with meaty
tunnels.
What lesson can we take from this? Flights to South America are cheap for
a reason.
Guinea Worms
Some people lie awake in bed with thoughts of machete-wielding burglars.
Then there are people like me who sob prayers into their pillow, with small
breaks for dry-heaving, over the haunting thoughts of the guinea worm.
It all starts with a hungry water flea that ends up getting swallowed by some silly mammal. Stomach acid gets to
work, and the worms are freed. An incestuous coupling ensues, and then big mama
makes her way to a lower limb where she chomps on tasty tissues and grows up
to five feet long.
The disgust doesn’t end there though! Mama had laid her eggs, and now
there’s an excruciating blister. When bath-time comes for our lucky little
host, the blister breaks and thousands of larvae swim away. Fun as that is, now
mom has her cue to make a break for it, and she spends the next few weeks
writhing her 3-5 foot long body out of your broken blister.
Note: Hypnotherapists can wipe your memory free of the Guinea Worm for a
considerable and totally-worth-it fee.
Ascariasis
Anyways, someone somehow “accidentally” scarfs down some fecal-covered
eggs, which then hit the stomach and hatch into wriggly little worms. Some of
them will work their way up the throat where you may end up tongueing them
before they’re swallowed deep into your digestive system. Others will call it
good by crashing in the lungs (smart move considering they’re conveniently
located near the emergency exits provided by your face).
Consider including scrub brushes, soap, acid, and poo detectors in your
travel bag.
Conclusion
Get rid of your pets, pressure wash yourself three times daily, boil
everything to hell and back before ingestion, and never leave home without a
water filter. In fact, skip out on
leaving home in general.
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Thanks to Ash for giving me a post and making my readers cringe with those special photos...
