Friday, April 04, 2014

Long Winded about Short Stuff

Recently I dabbled in expanding to Facebook just to see what it was like.  There are many people that maintain blogs, Facebook and Twitter simultaneously.  A few of my old readers are exclusively on Facebook so I thought that was a chance to reach back out to them.  Also, I'm secretly jealous of the wifey-poo who has a friend list bigger than the population of some countries.

But I'd struggled with Facebook before and I continued to do so.  It's just not the forum I like.  I only ended up with a few friends and followers and the format was limiting.

My latest endeavor has been on Twitter.  This was an entirely new world to me lately.  In my real life I actually enjoy it because I get up-to-date info on a number of things I'd have to spend time searching about or just couldn't find.

But comedy through Twitter is a whole different animal.  With only 140 characters, you have to be pretty tight with your humor.  I've done the Steven Wright impersonations on here before and I thought I could adapt.  Turns out I can.  I started with absolutely zero followers and am up of 70 now in the less than two weeks I've been playing with it.  Not bad considering I only had about 7 friends on Facebook and only about 15-20 still read my blog regularly (with only 1-3 commenting anymore).

I'm afraid that Blogging died in 2010 and even more so in 2012.  I left with the ships back then but somehow I came back.  I like the long comedy format.  In the old days, I used to hit the Random button on Blogger just to see where I'd be taken.  There was a lot of variety out there then.  Now it's a graveyard of discarded blogs or it's taken over my religious blogs.  I was astounded how many of them are out there now.


But back to Twitter.  Here's some sampling of my Twitter humor....

With Paul Walker dead, will the movie studios make them change to "The Slow and the Serious"?

There's that sweet spot when you've slowed way down to piss off the tailgating road rager behind you but not slow enough that he shoots you

Why do they place those damn motion sensor towel dispensers right where the bathroom traffic walks by?

I just solved the whole toilet up/down problem in our house...I just pee in the hot tub...

Haven't seen "Young and the Restless" since 1987...oh good...it picks up almost where I left it...

I took all the homeless people out to my suburb for April Fools and said they could each have a home; their hosts would be waiting inside...

Oh come on, who hasn't wished they could turn their car into some kind of transformer tank vehicle and crush that idiot in front of them

In the 1920s they called bank security a "Bank Dick". Talk about an unfortunate career decision. "Yeah, my dad's a professional dick..."

Teaching my kids finance... "Put $100 in the bank and by retirement you'd have $107.42 or buy an obscure toy now then sell on Ebay for $3000

My buddy drinks too much Chocolate Soy Milk. I know this because he just left to clothes shop, get a facial and see about a boob lift.

I can't find Gluten-free Gluten for sale anywhere...

She thought my tears expressed how much i cared for her but really I was just deathly afraid she'd put "Beaches" in the DVD player

Odd. After a long bike ride my dick went temporarily numb and for 15 seconds I felt like a Congressman

I want a car stereo so loud that when I turn it all the way up at a stop light by the time it turns green my car looks like an IKEA purchase

I don't believe in athiests...

We're Lower Class here...we don't have Applebees, we only have the LemonSpider chain of restaurants

What if plants started charging us for oxygen?


Tuesday, April 01, 2014

VE Goes back to 700 BC

VE:  I think I'm lost

Local:  You are a warlock and must be burned

VE:  Well, before you run off to gather an angry mob, I'm hungry, where is the grocery store?

Local:  Do not approach me, devil man

VE:  Food?

Local points all around

VE:  Oh, wait, I get it.  The meat section is in the forest.  The vegetable section is in the field.  Frozen food is over on that glacier.  Fruits are at the orchard.  Got it, thanks.


VE thinking:  Man, grocery shopping was tough...no wonder it took so long to evolve!  I don't think I'll need my can opener....

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Scenes from the Grocery Store

VE:  Ok, Lamb and Vegetables, check.

VE:  Nutritious Beef and Rice, check.

VE:  Salmon, Shrimp and Red Snapper, check.

VE:  Turkey and Potato, check.

Wife-poo walks up...

VE:  Honey, I've got the week`s dinners figured out.

Wifey-poo:  You're in the pet food section...


VE:  Damn

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Great MEME Challenge Match - Part 2

Ok, MEME Fans.  It is time for round two.

This time around, I provide the questions and then my answers.  I'll post those here (see below) and then I'll give Lime some time (7 minutes enough?) to take my post and add her own answers to a post on her blog to create round two of the great MEME Shredding challenge!

For those of you that missed round one....shame on you....it's here:  Round 1.

Ok, here we go:

1.  If you were a cartoon character, who would you be and why?

VE:  Gromit (from Wallace and Gromit) because he never says a word (no lines to memorize) and yet he seems to know so much more than he ever actual reveals….I like that….

2.  Name 5 things in your closet

VE:  1. Malaysia Flight 360  2. DB Cooper  3. The City of Atlantis   4. The Missing Link  5. Amelia Earhart

3.  What is the one food you hate?

VE:  Hamburger/Cabbage Smoothies

4.  If you could have any last name, what would it be?

VE:  It would be "MisshernowIhavetokissher".  Because then people would have to say Mr. MisshernowIhavetokissher when they announce me...

5:  What's your personal bumper sticker?

VE:  It's a picture of a household light on/off switch but with a fork as the mechanism to turn it on and off.  It is in the off position (ie....fork off!)

6.  When was the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?

VE:  Just last night…our dog eats WAY too much during the day…and the farting doesn’t help either

7.  What should you be doing that you are not doing now?

VE:  Assembling my time optimizer.  It’s not just a time machine that sends you back in time but it also returns you to your most optimal fitness level at the same time.  Don’t worry though, the great thing about building a time machine is that you don’t have a time constraint to finish it.

8.  If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

VE:  I would make sure I was credited with the invention of fire

9.  What is something you want right now?

VE:  A secret underground tunnel system going from my home to strategic spots all over town that allows me to drive to them directly and without traffic

10.  Name something you want to learn.

VE:  How to build a device that allows me to adjust gravity.  This would be a big time saver…floating over other cars on a busy street, not having to wait for the next elevator because that one is too crowded, etc. etc.


And there you have it.  Round 2 which I hope Lime will post follow ups to on her blog.  I'll post a link here when she does

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Great MEME Challenge Match: Lime vs VE (part 1)

Lime over at House of Lime recently had a MEME shredding post.  I LOVE MEME shredding.  I think she was the first to inspire me to shred them.  What is a MEME shred?  It's being ridiculous with the MEME questions if you haven't figured that out.  And where else but here can you get that much nonsense?  If you don't know what a MEME is...for shame!  It's just a way of helping the narcissistic bloggers have something to write about themselves by offering up a bunch of questions.

Lime started blogging back in 2005; a full 8 months before I started in 2006.  Yes, it was those nostalgic times when people were still blogging, when phones weren't smart, when we still had home phones, when people still used Internet Explorer as their browser, when George Bush was spending money we didn't have faster than Facebook was growing.  Ah, good times...

So given that Lime has actually been blogging even longer than I have, I thought I'd morph her MEME into a blog post MEME challenge match!!!  I'm going to take round one and add my own answers alongside hers and then I'll take first stab at the ones she didn't answer and see if she'll challenge those in the same way on her blog.   Should be fun...or at least ridiculous.

1 - Have you ever voluntarily put anything up your nose aside from drugs?

Lime:
  Anyone who won't admit to having put a finger up there at some point during his or her life is a liar.
VE:  I once tried to put the state of North Dakota in there but it didn't quite fit

2 - Is it still there?


Lime:  (Looks shocked as if just caught in the act)  No! Of course not!
VE:  No, my nose was getting too cold in the winter

3 - How many real teeth (that is, not store bought) do you have in your mouth?


Lime:  32 
VE:  127.  I tried to fit more in but eventually you just start swallowing them...

4 - If you could take any two things on the planet and staple them together, what would they be?


Lime: The superintendent of my school district to the assistant superintendent.
VE:  I'd staple a vacuum cleaner to my neighbor's minivan.  Her driving already sucks...might as well let the rest of the world know too...

5 - Do you think plants can hear you think?


Lime:  Shhhh....
VE:  Of course not, whoever accused me of actually thinking?

6 - How many rocks are in your house?


Lime:  The ones in bowls on my counter or the ones in my head too?
Ed:  Just the one I'm living under

7 - If I asked you to shove a toy surprise up my ass and call me Crackerjack, would you compare and contrast Napoleon's march on Moscow with Ritchie Blackmore's guitar solo on
 Highway Star?

Lime: I'd besmirch the wombat scissors with durian fruit because the metaphysics of Looney Tunes tesselates post-colonial Africa.
VE:  Or I could shove a McDonald's free kids toy up your ass and call you a "Happy Male" and then compare and contrast the Black Plague of the 1300s to strip mall franchise expansions in the USA

8 - Why are you still reading this?


Lime:  It keeps me from picking my nose.
VE:  Because despite how painful it is, work is ALWAYS worse

9 - Do you think it's going to get better?


Lime:  Good Lord, I hope so!
VE:  It's getting better all the time.  I used to get mad at my school (No I can't complain)
The teachers who taught me weren't cool (No I can't complain)
You're holding me down (Oh), turning me round (Oh)
Filling me up with your rules (Foolish rules)
I've got to admit it's getting better (Better)
A little better all the time (It can't get more worse)
......oh, sorry, Beatles digression....what was the question?

10 - Why is a kumquat not entirely unlike a porcupine?


Lime:  Neither makes a good alternative fuel source.
VE:  Because the kumquat just makes this "pthhht" squishy sound when I run it over on the highway with my SUV whereas the porcupine makes a "thumpity" sound as it pierces my tires in its desperate attempt at defending life.  (Don't you animal activists whine to me...what ventures onto the highway is MINE for the killing....muhaha....)

11 - When do you think the world will end?


Lime:  I'm not sure but I wonder about sequels.
VE:  It's already ended.  This is just the 2,340,224th showing at the Orphen Theater on the planet Lunith where the Lunithtoonians re-enact their favorite human tragedies on a small stage right below the movie showing.

And there you have it.  Round 1 which I follow up to Lime's initial answers.  Round 2 will be coming.  I'll post my answers to more questions and then have Lime take on the follow ups on her blog!  Stay tuned...

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dead or Alive....a Guideline

In these confusing times, it's important to know what/who is dead and what/who is alive...

Pete Seeger - Dead



Zsa Zsa Gabor - STILL alive



Paul Walker - Dead



Malaysia Airlines Passengers - Probably Dead



Amelia Earhart - Probably Dead (come on...she'd be 117 this year...)



Bosa Nova - Dead



Wearing Pants around your knees - Alive (still....)



Flipper - Dead



Twinkies - Alive



Bean Bag Chairs - Dead



Abe Vigoda - Alive


David Brenner - Dead


Tube Socks - Dead



Louise Rainer - Alive (she won back-to-back Oscars in the 1930s!)



American Idol - Practically Dead



Obama Bin Laden - Dead




Chuck Berry - Alive



Of course...it will all change tomorrow...

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

More theories behind the missing Malaysia Airlines plane

Let's switch to something that is very topical right now and that when somebody finds this post on Google years later they'll scratch their heads trying to remember the incident...

So this plane goes missing....vanishes after take off...


Of course, all the oddities about this, the going off the radar, the turning off the transponder, the possible unsavory characters on board, the lack of evidence from it has generated a bazillion theories.

Was it a terrorist attack?
Did a government keep them out of the media?
Did they crash in the ocean never to be found?

Etc. etc. etc.

I think we need more theories to consider.  So here you go....

They landed in Las Vegas and are on a 72 hour gambling binge...we haven't heard of it yet because "what happens in Vegas....stays in Vegas

Somebody stole the "Honey I Shrunk the Kid" gun from the movie set, has shrunk the plane and the passengers are now screaming for help stuck in little Johnny's toy plane war scenario at his home.

They went back in time...we'll see them on a locomotive in a few years...just like Back to the Future Part 3...

They crash landed on a magical island not on any map and are dealing with a smoke monster right now...

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Phone Call from God

I recently had a conversation with a friend who's husband is dying of cancer.  He's currently at home but had a two week stay in the hospital where according to her, he was a bit "loopy" for awhile.


This is how the actual conversation went..

VE:  So how's Bob

Friend:  He's back home, but he really got a bit loopy for while

VE:  Loopy?

Friend:  At one point he was fixated that he'd received a call from God

VE:  Probably an important call to answer 

Friend:  He just kept going on about it and we couldn't figure out where it started from

VE:  I'm sure God has everyone on his contact list, you know.  Perhaps it was just Bob's time to receive a call from God.  Or perhaps he butt dialed...

VE thinking:  Does God have a butt?

Friend:  Then I finally put the pieces together.  He'd received a call from his friend who is a born-again Christian and in his confusion he'd thought that he was God.

VE:  Wow, talk about putting somebody on a pedestal.  Good thing that person didn't suggest too much on the phone.

Friend:  Yeah, another friend dropped by and told him he should get some medical marijuana to ease the pain.

VE:  I see where this is going...

Friend:  Yep, he fixated on the marijuana and kept asking his doctor where the marijuana was.  He wanted his marijuana now!

VE:  He should have called God back and placed an order...

Friday, February 28, 2014

Things Old People Don't Do

It occurred to me the other day that I don't see any older skateboarders.  You know, 40 to 60 year old people out there on skateboards grinding up the local skatepark or cruising down some mountain hill.


Why is that?  Oh sure, you'll say it's just a kid's pursuit.  Like Legos.  But look at all these grown men that play with Legos?

You have to have a lot of Legos to make this (and money)
Or perhaps "you'll break a hip"!  Trust me, people in their 40s to 60s don't think they'll be breaking hips yet.  It's only those in their 20s that think people of that age will break a hip.  And sure, you might do that but it doesn't prevent that age sector from doing all kinds of other risky or youth-oriented pursuits.  They still surf.  They still snow board.  Have you ever caught the front edge of a snowboard?  I have.  It was not a soft landing!


Adults still watch cartoons.  They still eat sugar cereals (they just don't admit it).  They still sneak candy.  They still get fast food.

I was quickly trying to think what else I don't really see older adults doing that kids do.  They're out at the roller rinks and ice rinks.  They're at the arcade places.  They hang out at the malls (probably not in the same way, but still).  Many still live with their parents (although it might be that their parents live with them now).

Then it occurred to me.


That's right.  Icee's.  Adults don't buy Icee's (unless they have to share with their kids).  They'll buy every kind of soda known to man, they'll sneak the fruit drinks when there isn't anything else, they'll get a snow cone at the fair, but I never see them buy an Icee.

So...what else can you think of that they don't do anymore...the gnomes want to know!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

How to recognize and avoid the Tom Cruise Jumping Syndrome




Hello.  He is Tom Cruise and he does have "Tom Cruise Jumping Syndrome".  And while it is hopeless for Tom, you can recognize the signs early and through a lifelong monetary contribution to my shameless ploy to suck every last dollar from you, you can prevent this debilitating disease...

Watch the early warning signs....


  • Scientology
  • Extreme narcissism
  • A growing collection of angry and confused ex-spouses
  • Saying dumb things in public
If you or a loved one has "Tom Cruise Jumping Syndrome", seek media whoring help immediately.  The most effective treatment known today is to continually star in action films without plot.  This seems to contain the disease to only occasional episodes which can be explained away with the help of made up religions.

Thank you for your contributions to this awkward disease...