Monday, August 14, 2006

Guidelines for middle management

How to construct the optimal day if you must go to work:

7:30am – Wake up late. Justify it by noting that you’d be worthless if you got up earlier and actually tried to get to work on time.

8:00am – Using the cell phone, call in to your first status meeting. Make sure they know you are on the line. Then hang up and finish getting dressed.

8:30am – Get to work; use the back stairs and sneak in to the cube like you’ve been there all morning.

8:35am – Create fake meetings on your Microsoft Outlook calendar so it looks like you are booked up for the day. This keeps goody-goody workers from setting up impromptu meetings that day.

8:45am – Delete any email that even looks like you don’t have to answer back

9:00am – Leave message that your 8:00am meeting is going long and that you probably won’t make your 9:00am meeting.

9:01am – Go get food and caffeine

9:30am – Morning round of socializing with co-worker friends. Include a pass by the bosses office and make sure he sees me to enforce that I’m “on the job”.

10:00am – Answer emails that must be answered; usually vague answers and hints that their problem is the next thing on your “to do” plate

10:30am – Morning blog, ebay, and yahoo reads

11:30am – Lunch time. Find somebody to have lunch with or go do a workout at the gym

1:00pm – Writing down ideas for future blog postings during a boring status meeting. Ancillary benefit is they think you’re very diligent about note taking

2:00pm – Type up your blog ideas and save to thumb drive (since you probably cannot post with pictures through work anyway, just get them ready for posting at home)

If no more meetings:
3:00pm – Leave radio on and computer on (it’ll move to the locked screensaver) so to have the appearance you are still around. Leave early out the back stairs.

If a late meeting:
3:00pm – Go get whatever chore done that you need to do: oil change, gift shopping, root canal; anything but work.

4:00pm – Attend final meeting; all the while looking at your watch and mumbling about needing to pick up the kids (even if you don't have any...they won't know)…

Repeat as often during the week as won’t get you fired.

1 comment:

House of Suz said...

I need me a job where I can get away with that.

The Roommate used to keep an ashtray with a cigarette butt (in the day when you could smoke at your desk), a cup of coffee and a jacket in his office so when he cut out it LOOKED like he was still there.