Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Match Game Part 1 - The Basics

Hey, I know, let’s build a Match.com profile together? How fun will that be?

Part 1: The basics…

Ok, first you have to make up some clever catchy username. Of course, some 7 year old hacker has written a program to use up every conceivable good one known to mankind. That leaves you with one choice: honesty. Gentlemen, might I suggest FORMER-LOSER-ATHLETE-TURNED-BEERGUT-UGLY-TEMPERMENTAL-TERROR? Yeah, you’re right, it’s too long; it’ll never fit in the field they provide. Let’s use the acronym of that: FLATBUTT.

Ok, now we’re cookin’. Hmmm, now it’s asking us to fill out stuff…

What is your relationship status? Oh, this is a tough one. “Whacking off while eating a Swanson’s manly man dinner and watching porn” is somehow not on their list. Yeah, I cannot figure it out either. I don’t even see “Angry and vindictive” or “Married and completely ignored” on there. Who made these pre-determined choices for us? Ok, but don’t go with “Not Married”; they’ll think you are a total loser that isn’t mature. Let them find that nightmare out later! Watch out for “Widowed” though. Yeah, it’s got good sympathy points there but they might catch on to that spousal murder rap! No, misery loves company, just use “Divorced” like everyone else.

Who are you looking for? Arrgh! Another pre-determined format. I don’t see “Supermodel nympho” at all. Ok, go ahead and select “Woman”. I mean, if you are gay, why would you be on match anyway; gays date the same sex; they don’t need some complex computer medium to figure out what the hell the opposite sex is looking for anyway! Bonus round: You also get to specify age range. So you’re in your late 40s? Well you better not be putting 18 as your low range you perverted sicko! No, we will only allow you to go as low as 25; that way they are at least in a slightly better car insurance bracket and you don’t have to support them through college. And the high age range? Tough one. You should put five years younger than your real age. Face it, they are going to outlive you anyway; this way they will still have the mental capacity so that they can change your diaper when you are 80 and you won’t have to trust that task to some unusual intern at the assisted living village; if you know what I mean.

Where should we look? Here we go. This is where we get to draw a big circle around our zip code. That will be our search area. This one is so easy. I mean, coincidentally, the world is already round, sounds like a perfect circle to me! Yes, let’s use 4000 miles. That’ll cover the globe. Come on; you definitely want to include the Swedish supermodel volleyball playing cheerleaders, right?

How tall are you? Watch out. You don’t want to be taken for “short guys disease”. Yes, that won’t do at all. My recommendation: lie. You can always claim confusion with the metric system conversions later.

Which best describes your body type? Don’t bother to even look. “Rippling muscles with a generously hung love muscle” isn’t on the list. Go with “Athletic and toned”. They never said “when” and even if you’ve always had that beer gut, you can claim that it’s not your fault that you have high levels of cortisol; that nasty little stress hormone that causes excess belly fat.

What’s your sign? It’s a trap. Don’t even think about answering that one even if you do google your birthday to figure it out!

Tune in next post for part 2 – appearance; where the points double…

5 comments:

kanrei said...

Hi. Thanks for posting. YOur site has made me smile. I am going to put a link up if you don't mind.

Starlet said...

FINALLY a tutorial on this!!!

House of Suz said...

Just keep in mind the 2 major rules of dating....lie and deny.

JetPass said...

I guess I shouldn't tell you that I met my fiance on Match.com, and my friend met his wife on Eharmony.

But I love YOUR profile...I'm living at you, not with you btw.

Veronica said...

I am laughing so hard over here. I love how you break it down!