Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Well to be perfectly honest...

I hate that phrase! You mean you weren't being honest all of the rest of the times we've ever talked? Sort of like, "he gave 110%". Shit, I gave 3,799,203% . Sure made him feel low! Anyways, I digress. But that's what my blog is all about now isn't it? Digression.

So in the spirit of (another fucking trendy phrase I hate. If you want to talk to spirits, DIE!). Ok, I know. Let’s play the exaggeration game. “But VE, what is that game?” you ask. I don’t know, I’m making it up as I go; sort of like work, but without the paycheck…

Here goes:

What an incredibly awesome day; one I will never, ever forget for the 172 years I'll probably live. Got up from the spinning circular bed with the view of the entire Cascade mountain range and took a shower. Of course, I’m saying shower for poor common folk like yourself because my shower is actually a heated water slide park that dispenses soap, shampoo, conditioner on the way down a bodacious ride to the closet 150 feet below.

Yes, that’s right, it’s a drive in closet. Simply place my clothing order and drive up the old Lamborghini Diablo 5 liter 6.4 million horse power car and grab my clothes as I do mach 2 around the hairpinned course of my closet. My very personal secretary dresses me later, of course. You've got to air dry I always say!

As I get chauffeured to work in my custom fitted massage chair while my personal hair stylist and manicurists attends to my daily grooming needs, I’m watching the initial copy of Star Wars 7 that I happen to have a copy of even before George Lucas has even thought of wanting to do another one! That’s just how fucking awesome and ahead of the times and trends I am!

I arrive at work and the red carpet is rolled out as my admiring fans clamour to catch a glimpse of my greatness. I have but one meeting to attend to today and all of the company is applauding my incredible genius with every syllable I speak. The entire business community the world over has just changed as a direct result of my presentation. I leave work because, hey, it’s work and retire to a trendy restaurant that I architected and designed and have the entrĂ©e that I helped put into the cuisine of the entire culinary world.

Yes, a typical day in the fucking incredible life of Mr. exaggeration man! Me.

May your day equally be filled with a platinum mine discovery in your back yard.

5 comments:

Starlet said...

well to be perfectly honest that is pretty much a normal day for me...

House of Suz said...

To be perfectly honest I did find a platinum mine in my backyard.


If by "platinum" you mean "dog shit", that is.

iamnot said...

I have dreams just like this...except that in my dreams, I wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep...and no one bitches at me all day.
Hey, that's just as good.

markjamesmurphy said...

ok, I'll try it -

I had one of Jupiter's moons for breakfast (I think it was IO) before settling into my main plan for the day, which was using my mind to cause entire galaxies to smash into each other. Then I caused a quadrillion entire universes to wink into existence so I could juggle them.

Variant E said...

To be perfectly honest, you're all a bunch of fucking exaggeraters!

Nice job.