Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Back from the Black

Ok, we are back to our regularly scheduled drivel after a brief exploration into the darker side of humor. Sometimes, you get so wrapped up being in the dark side and all, you have no idea what is going on in the world around you. It's all just sugar and swearing and rage!

But now that we're back, let's see what is going on out there:

Real `Itsy Bitsy' songwriter still alive. Apparently some guy went around his whole life claiming to have written this song and the real writer didn't discover this until he saw his own obituary. Kind of like the time I wrote these kids books about a boy wizard. You can send the royalty checks to ve@nonsense.com (don't email it; I made it up...duh).

Meds Killed Daniel Smith. You know, Anna Nicole Smith's son who dropped by to say hi and dropped dead instead. Anway, it looks like a lethal combination of: methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro did him in. Slightly lesser known is the lethal combination of having a cheese omlette, clam chowder and a chocolate milkshake for dinner (I only survived by spewing it back up right outside the restaurant's front door...)

New York judge orders examination of Astor's will. A New York judge on Monday ordered handwriting experts to analyze the will of 104-year-old philanthropist and former socialite Brooke Astor, which was changed to leave millions of dollars to her son, instead of to charities as she originally intended. They are particularly suspicious of the section where the bequeathed has been crossed out with crayon and the son’s name written in on top.

U.S. to relax ban of liquids on planes. Yes, it is true. You will no longer have to check your tear ducts at the gate and can now freely carry on your eyes; tears and all. Those still trying to carry on large snakes will now have to check them though; particularly over recent fears that the snake is actually harboring a hidden terrorist.

British forces kill leading terrorist. BAGHDAD, Iraq - British forces shot and killed a leading al-Qaida terrorist Monday. At least they think so…he was wearing a turban and had a scruffy beard. “Had to be him”….was the general thought of the day after the incident.

Judge lanced during Track Meet. Track and field line judge is helped after a javelin hit her in her foot during a national track and field competition, in Brazil. The javelin throw unfortunately only got a silver medal in the competition as while his throw was certainly long enough, points were subtracted for only spearing her foot. The winner, his teammate, later won the event when he was able to successfully lance the replacement judge through the spleen. “It was the perfect shot. Spleens are easily removed…” he was quoted as saying while accepting his medal behind a mob of sadistic sports fans.

McCartney says music helps him as divorce proceeds. 64 year old Paul said on Monday that writing new music had sustained him through the last few months, a period when his divorce from second wife Heather Mills has become increasingly acrimonious. We’ve managed to publish a few rewritten lines from a popular Beatles song he’s been in the process of updating: When I’m 64:

When I get older, gray in my hair, yes the year is now.
Will you still be trying to suck my money dry, subpoenas, testimony showing you cry.
Will it now take a quarter a billion to remove your claws for sure.
Will you still screw me, are you now threw with me
Now that I’m 64.

4 comments:

elginroots said...

thanks for the comment. that british killed terrorist one is pretty funny.

House of Suz said...

"dropped by to say hi and dropped dead instead"

That's funny.

Kurt said...

First step: pull the javelin out.

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