Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Kids to Adults to Kids

I’ve got this divorce theme started; might as well milk it to death because, hey, what could be more traditional about divorce than milking something to death! Let's move on to some more dark and profanity ridden observations.

So I was thinking about kids games... “But VE, what has that got to do with divorce?” Good question….nothing yet…but I’ll find a way to tie it all together anyway, just for the challenge. So anyway, on to the kids games:

What the fuck is up with Rock Paper Scissors? Do you really think I’m going to lose by picking the rock? Hell no! Paper covers rock, you lose? How about rock rips through that fucking paper and mauls it back into sawdust? Ok, guess that’s why it’s a “kids” game

Oh and Old Maid…what’s up with that? So the whole idea is that you don’t want to be caught with the old maid? Let me tell you; if you find yourself divorced and dating in your 40s…that old maid isn’t looking so bad now. First, they don’t have any relationship baggage to wig them out. Instead of “Ghost of the devil-spawn husband past” you are “Last of the Mohicans” in their book. Second, they haven’t spat out two or three kids for their first Anti-Christ husband and lost their entire adult vocabulary with “golly wally, do baby gotta boo boo…” talk. So I always keep the Old Maid when I play that game…and the kids think I’m the loser….ha!

Then, the ex suddenly wants to discuss the nutritional value of breakfast for the children and the lack of such quality options available at my residence. Which is another way of saying that the kids ratted out that I have the sugar crap cereal and they want it at her house as well. Well, you know what? That’s not their fucking cereal, it’s MINE!!! Those crafty little people sniffed out my cereal cache and raided it! No wife around the house to put check to my sugar cereal eating ways, are you kidding, of course there’s an overload of sugar cereal.

Cocoa Puffs? I’m Cuckoo for them alright. Don’t even think about touching them; not even the seven or eight that always roll out of the bowl because you put too many damn puffs into the bowl and by the time you got enough milk to eat that with; hey, none of it fits anyway so you go find the cake mixing bowl because, well because you fucking can, and that works great except that unless you exercise great control of will you’ll end up continuing to attempt to balance out the milk/cereal equation until one of three things happens:

1. You run out of milk
2. You run out of cereal
3. You explode

Oh, and what’s up with the name changes? Do you really think that changing the name of Post Super Sugar Crisps to Post Golden Crisps is going to hide the fact that these things are just dripping in sugar? Yeah, let’s call it golden or honey because honey is nutritional…nice try there Post. But I do like the inner bags they come in. They actually open unlike those plastic piece of shit inner bags on most of them where your clawing through them with your bare hands only to have either the entire thing explode or you open it at some stupid way that causes half the cereal to pour back down into the box but outside of the stay fresh inner bag. And let’s face it; once your kids find those plastic bag ones and they don’t bother to close them (like they could anyway) they’ll be more stale than a crouton after about three days which is about the time that you have rotated through sugar cereals to get another bowl.

But don’t be fooled by some of these so called sugar cereals because they just ain’t cutting it. Honey Combs Big, yeah yeah yeah but it’s not sugary enough yeah yeah yeah. It may have a big big bite, but it’s flavor bites big big time…

Now, being an adult and having some intelligence, I’m smart enough to know what I don’t like; such as Apple Jacks. I get a couple of boxes of this stuff – quality sugar crap but just not my kind of crap – and I use these to distract those crafty kids away from my really good stuff. Yeah, me and Tony the Tiger….we gotta thing…goin’ on… Come on, sing it with me, you know the words… Oh, and Captain Crunch? Let him go down with the ship, just rescue those damn crunch berries, that’s all I fucking care about.

Notice how just the mere posting about sugary cereals increases my use of profanity exponentially? Why it reminds me of the time when my 4 year old nephew came into the living room full of adults and said “Where’s my fucking flakes?” We were appalled! What have you been teaching that kid? Of course, we figured out later he wanted Frosted Flakes and couldn’t quite make that key pronunciation…

But honestly, I’m just gonna use the fuck word all over my cereal post. That’ll keep those crafty little shits away from MY cereal.

- Tricks are for kids? Fuck that!

Let’s go for the emphasis:
Fuck, where is my box of Fruit Loops?
Where in the fuck is my box of Fruit Loops?
Where is my fucking box of Fruit Loops?
Where is my box of Fucking Fruit Loops?
Where is my box of Fruit Fucking Loops?
Why are you fucking with my box of Fruit Loops?

And of course…

Fuck, where in the fuck is my fucking box of fucking Fruit fucking Loops, fucker!

That should be enough to keep those crafty little fuckers out of MY CEREAL!!!!


Kurt said...

I always like Captain Crunch, except that it tore up the roof of your mouth.

Anonymous said...

Dude...you sound like my wife.

Ed said...

See what sugar does to your mental state!!!

House of Suz said...

No more sugar for you, buddy. You're scaring me---and I don't scare easily.

Vivalacrap said...

Since your sharing an apartment you should just leave fruit loops in the bed.

Anonymous said...

Once upon a time I was dating this girl who had a 6 year old daughter. I was over for dinner and the little girl walks into the kitchen, looks at her mom and I, then asks "what is the big fucking deal about fucking?"
Mom was shocked and I just cracked up so hard. Not having kids, that was not something I was prepared for.

Unknown said...

Fuck, why have I fucking been missing you fucking funny posts?! I don't plan on fucking missing another fucking one.!!! You're one funny fucker.