Sunday, September 03, 2006

The Match Game Part 4 - Lifestyle

That’s right, we are still building a Match.com profile together. Isn’t it fun? If you missed earlier parts of this, scroll on down!

Part 4: Lifestyle…

How often do you exercise? Careful, put too much and they’ll think you’re a gym rat. Put too little and they’ll think you’re the Pillsbury doughboy. Since you can only put down the number of days per week and they don’t specify how long, or at what intensity, hey, it’s totally up to your interpretation as to what “exercise” means to you. I mean, you pay for that gym membership that you used only twice because showering with other men after a sweaty workout wasn’t what you considered a benefit to exercising. And, hey, during those two sessions you did at least use the treadmill for a whole hour. Never mind the fact that it was going so slow that the employees were concerned you were on a machine that wasn’t working. Oh, and let’s not forget that those hour marathons were really just an excuse to watch the aerobic and kick boxing class that contained 99.99% hot women. Yeah, nothing like them getting sweaty and kickin’ ass! Oooh, hurt me, hurt me.

Which best describes your daily diet? Ok, you’ve only got a few choices here. Always put “Meat and Potatoes”. Never put fast food. You can always describe your McYuck burger and fries as “Meat and Potatoes”. Avoid the “Vegetarian/Vegan” one. Like you’d ever check it anyway… You’ll want to avoid this one when you’re searching too. Those are the women with the braided armpit hair too and only bathe weekly to conserve our city’s water supply.

Do you smoke? They’re talking tobacco here. The NSA is already monitoring your porn so you don’t need to be divulging your other recreational activities.

How often do you drink? “Continuously” is not an option. While you may have a martini IV drip, always put “Social Drinker, maybe one or two” or five, or ten…they did say “maybe”. Avoid the “I don’t drink alcohol” one. Those people are on a soap box. Either they will be selling you some Amway and getting you to convert to their local cult group or they were a former serial killer that got off because they had a dependency that took over control of them and they couldn’t help it; they were the victims, not the butchered bodies in their fridge and basement freezer.

Are you a 9-to-5er? Your own boss? What kind of job do you have? I’d always put “Executive Management” for anything. It’s vague; that’s what is so great about it. Pump gas? Executive Management for that particular pump. Dust plants? Biotech management. You get the idea… Don’t have a job? You’re an entrepreneur!

Current annual income? I’m sure this is linked to the IRS somehow. Don’t answer it. It’s a losing proposition. Either you’ll get scammed by some guy named Ivan that posted a beautiful woman’s picture and made up some profile that uses English grammer like it’s a second language so that this person can con you into sending money to them to help get them back from visiting their grandmother that somehow happens to be in Rhwanda vacationing because it’s such an incredible tourist destination. The other possibility is that it’ll turn many women off because you’ll either be making too little or too much.

Do you live alone? Ok, put down that you live with your mother and you might as well go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200 women. You will be the major loser geek then. Also, don’t count your homies even though they spend an obnoxious amount of time watching sports, playing poker, playing video games, going to the strip clubs with you. No, you need to be sure to put “live alone”.

Do you have any kids? Those ghastly teens that keep leeching out your drinking money? Your call on whether to mention them or not. On the one side mention them to show you actually have been laid. If you are a bit older, then 80% of the women have kids either at home full time or part time. That percentage diminishes the younger you go for. On the other side, don’t mention them. Then you can hook up with one of those few that didn’t want kids; they are much more fun anyway; they have lots of time to go out and don’t have to deal with transitions and homework and Check E. Cheese – which, by the way, is a deal breaker if they insist on meeting you there!

Let’s talk pets. No, you cannot count that stripper you were seeing that had the IQ of President Bush. They break this down by pet and let you check either “I have”, “I like but don’t have” or “No opinion”. They don’t let you talk about how you swell up like a hot air balloon at the nearest hair from a cat. No, I’d go with the 5th on this one (not alcohol…amendments; focus!!). The reality is that 99.99% of single or divorced women have some sort of pet and that precludes them from taking that “15 weeks of NFL, 15 different city stadiums” vacation with you. In fact, it’s highly unlikely they can go across the street for groceries because somebody will have to take care of their pet. It’s a reality, so just live with it. Oh, but the big one to avoid is “Horses”. Don’t ever go out with a woman that has horses. First off; they’ll live out in the middle of nowhere because that is the only place anyone not wealthy can afford to house horses anyway. That means an ugly monster commute to date. Then, they’ll be spending all their time grooming those beast rather than grooming your beast! Oh, and if they are REALLY into them, you’ve got all the riding contests and shows. Come on folks, the wild west had it’s time; it’s time to move on, fire up that gas guzzlin’ Hummer and get over it!

Next part is on Background/Values and is such a small snoozefest, I’m going to go ahead and throw caution to the wind that your brain can handle two sections in a single post and I’ll include the section after that which is called Express Yourself. Yes, we should worry about that one…but all in good time. See you next post

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