Monday, September 04, 2006

The Match Game Part 5 - Background/Values and Express Yourself

That’s right, we are still building a Match.com profile together. Isn’t it fun? If you missed earlier parts of this, scroll on down!

Part 5: Background/Values and Express Yourself

Which ethnicities describe you the best? Don’t worry, “Alien”, “mutant” or “mongrel” are thankfully not on their. They are simply looking for what race you are so that everyone can be their stereotypical selves and avoid any cross breeding. Just be honest on this one.

What is your faith? This is a tough one. Whatever you do, don’t put down any actual religion. Jesus; what were you thinking? Ok, on the one hand, you can go the strong route if you are not religious and put atheist but then you’ll be flagged as “God angry” and good luck finding anyone that isn’t also so politically charge that they aren’t out there hugging trees and picketing every weekend. You could put “agnostic” but then you’ve wimped out. No, the ultimate neutral Switzerland type choice here is “Spiritual but not religious”. Then you have that mystic around you that you might just be so cool that you have transcended above all the religious drivel and have attained total consciousness (got that one from Caddyshack…).

How would you describe your education? “Long and painful” isn’t on there. Neither is “Expensive and a waist of my prime sexual years”. I’d again plead the 5th on this one. If you put some college, it implies you can’t finish, which then implies that you can’t perform in bed either, which implies that you can’t get it up, which implies that….you get the process.

Where do you sit on the political fence? I know, a barfingly (that’s my word… can’t use it) cute question. Just go middle of the road. Who knows what that means.

Ok, part 6 is Express Yourself. It’s a new section. Thank god they added more to fill out. It’ll weed out all those ADD, premature, and impatient types from actually completing a profile.

Where is your hometown? Live in a small town? Don’t list it; somebody might recognize you or track you down. No, just put the closest urban area. If there isn’t one close; hey, you’re pretty much SOL for dating anyway.

Tell us about your brothers or sisters. Don’t worry, it’s just a check box to know if you have any or not. You don’t have to divulge about the time you stuck the fork into your brother’s leg or any of the devilish but creative pranks you performed.

Are you an early bird or night owl? Who are they kidding here. Unless you want to hook up with a competent housekeeper, of course you won’t be checking early bird. That’s a one way ticket to early morning starts at small weekend getaway trips and bedtime before even CSI is over. No way!

Do you sing or play a musical instrument? Don't bother to count the piano lessons your mother forced you to take for 6 months before you insulted the instructor to such a degree that you got blacklisted from the entire musical teaching community (nice job by-the-way). Sure, it would be nice to jam on that guitar; but women know that those type are already married to their music anyway and their working hours are even worse than your video gaming hours!

What is your favorite color? Thank God they added this one. I mean, it could all come down to this… “Sorry…you were perfect in every way but you selected ‘blue’ as your favorite color which indicates a repressed depressional outlook that might manifest itself down the road”. “No, I'm going to take my perfect body and avoid you now”. Nope, just put “No Answer” on this one.

Congratulations, you’ve now graduated from the mundane ‘me’ stuff and can move on to the ‘about my date’ section with the next post. It’s gonna be a tough one to get through so get lots of rest in the meantime. See you at the next post!

5 comments:

cyn said...

jeeeeeezus harold keeerist, this is a detailed bit of information they are requesting... takes the fun out of finding 50 new ways to hate your lover to me... besides i don't really want to know all this shit about someone let aone reveal it about myself... thank heavens for my dyfunctional marriage.

markjamesmurphy said...

Do you think maybe we could somehow use this to get me laid?

House of Suz said...

Dating, it's all smoke and mirrors.

Kurt said...

I would never date a purple. They are crazy!

Conti said...

WWDPD? What Would Dr. Phil Do?