Sunday, October 08, 2006

Modern TV

Congratulations, you have just been thawed out of an iceberg after being frozen since 1965. Relax, there is no knob on the TV anymore that has all the 5 stations that you could click to. You’ve got a remote. Well, actually you have three.

First there is the TV remote; you can’t seem to get the TV into the right mode to be able to actually watch TV without this remote. Then, you’ve got the Cable TV remote. Don’t confuse this with the DVD/VCR remote. That one won’t help you; it’s simply there to confuse you more. Oh, and don’t be fooled by grabbing the universal remote. That only works partially if not at all; and the partial part is a mystery – nobody knows which part works and which won’t or why. And don’t even try to figure out the sound. Home theatre? Right. You’ll be lucky to get any sound out of the damn thing; and be lucky if you can figure out how to get even one speaker working.

Ok, hmmm. There are something like 200 channels on this thing. Awesome; that’s more TV than I could watch in 10 lifetimes! I wonder what is on?

Wait a minute here. What in the hell are all these shows and these stations?

Travel Channel. Why don’t they just rename this to the Vegas channel. All they ever seem to feature on this is gambling and “the best of” for Vegas.

Golf Channel. Are we in hell? An entire channel with golf??? Playing is one thing but watching…puleeze! The only modern advantage is that with Tevo you can actually now capture that shot of the ball against a cloudy sky just to prove through feeze frame that the ball really is in the camera shot and that the camera man isn’t actually scratching his balls and aiming somewhere else in the sky entirely. God damn, isn’t technology amazing?

That 70s Show. Do we need to be reminded of the 70s? I’m still trying to pretend they didn’t happen…

MTV. Do they actually play any music videos anymore?

Ok, but there are tons of movies on. Wait a minute here. With thousands of good movies produced over the last 75 or so years, why do they only show stuff like “Mr. Dillards Dead Possum Part 4”. Where do they find this crap?

C-SPAN. I thought it was going to be just boring governmental proceedings but I quickly flipped it on and all I got were scandals. I had to make sure I wasn’t on E!

Nick, Nick-Jr, etc. What happened to cartoons? It seems shows like Sponge Bob or Fairly Odd Parents have only about 3 or 4 episodes and then they just keep repeating them so often that even I’ve seen them all and I only catch snippets while I’m making the kids turn it off to get a life!

Reality TV. Ok, this isn’t a show or a TV station. It’s a genre. It’s a plague:
Survivor – hoping they don’t
Project Runway – can we change it to “run away” instead?
The Amazing Race – Ahhh, it’s called the rat race; why are you celebrating it?
Big Brother – Big deal…isn’t that why we have soap operas?

Extreme Makeover OMG. I don’t even know where to begin. I hope that there is a Narcisstic Anonymous organization and that everyone on this show is required to enroll. Do we really need to be spending $10,000 on some idiot’s teeth just because he didn’t floss or brush for his entire life?

Those shopping channels would be interesting if they weren’t always trying to sell me stuff. Those 500 ESPN channels would be interesting if they didn’t have all those sports. Those financial shows would be interesting if I had any fucking money – and let’s face it, those with money aren’t watching TV to determine how to keep it…

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have mastered the television. It took me years, but I have finally done it. My secret is the holy three: History Channel, Discovery Channel, Fox.

History Channel and its sister, History International are my most watched channels and they take up 75% of my Tivo's todo list.

I have tried numerous times to just cancel my dish, but I cannot go without those three.

Starlet said...

I told you I only moved to Vegas because CSI was here right? Yeah I have not seen those crime scene bitches ONCE. I have seen more midgets and crackheads and gambling addicts than usual though...

Holy shit I totally need to start watching the travel channel to find out what I should do in Vegas!

Anonymous said...

On the good side...it's incredibly easy NOT to waste hours of your time in front of the tube these days.