Monday, October 02, 2006

Spam and other Inconveniences

Do I have “Stupid” on my forehead???

I have a legitimate web site. Of course I’m not going to tell you…that would violate the homeland security act. It’s actually for collectors to use and I keep an email address that then forwards to my own email. Well, it looks like some sort of spam generating monster has been using it because every day I get like 20 emails now. Here’s the subject lines of the ones I got today:

I’m sorry
Check this out
Regarding last night
How’s everything
Just wanted to say hi
Can you help
What’s up

Of course, they are from Nikki and Lori and Tami and Bunnie and Teri and… Did I go to sleep and suddenly wake up as Hugh Heffner or something? Damn, I’m popular. Strange thing is that they want to all sell me Viagra. I may be old, but I’m fully functional baby (remember, I am Hugh Heffner now) so thanks, but I’ll pass. Besides, who wants to walk around with a hard on for 8 hours. I already went through high school.

Then I get this call today. I used to be on a state call list and never got solicitors, but now that I live alone with a new phone number; guess I’m back on the sales to-call lists. I love to play with them though. This one was from some on-line grocery service. He kept mentioning ‘healthy delicious’ every time he’d mention their groceries. Damn, and I wanted the lard-induced pungent groceries. Anyway, the conversation goes like this?

“Hello there, Mr. VE”
“Hello”

“Are you in the market for healthy delicious groceries delivered right to your door?”
“If groceries were delivered to my door, why would I be in a market?”

“Our healthy delicious grocery delivery can save you a lot of time. How many family members are at your home?”
“It’s just me”

“Well, you certainly must have friends and family that could use healthy delicious groceries served right to their door”
“I’m an orphan and a loner”

“Thank you for your time.”
“Here’s to your health….”

2 comments:

Kurt said...

A long distance company once called me and asked me how much I pay per minute for long distance, and I said "I don't care." "Thank you very much," they said, and hung up.

screetus said...

Ah, spam. Of course, we all want to buy things from companies who misrepresent themselves in email.
Hey, surprise, I'm not really Teri and I'm not sorry about a goddamned thing. Wanna buy some pharmaceuticals?

I get Chinese spam every so often. I don't know what they're selling, but it goes a long way towards explaining why that baby elephant was delivered to my door last week.