Saturday, October 21, 2006

Supersize my New and Improved digitally enhanced life!

Is it just me or is nothing good enough anymore? I was fine with blueberry Pop Tarts without the frosting and then along came the frosting ones and I guess they were so much fucking better that they discontinued my favorite non-frosted ones (ok, they left a token Strawberry offering but that’s not blueberry damn it!).

Do you ever wonder that as products like Tide or Windex keep offering “New and Improved” versions of their cleaner, what the hell were you using before? Plain old water? Were they flippin’ ripping us off saying it was the greatest cleaner ever?

Why does every product have to be bigger? Supersized fast food, meals that come on plates that are bigger than the serving plates your grandmother would use for the Turkey at Thanksgiving, bottomless drinks. The whopper at Burger King wasn’t enough so they made the double whopper. That wasn’t enough so now they have the triple whopper. Hell, why not add another and go for the “Home Run” whopper. Now that’s good value! No wonder we are an obese, TV watching, lethargic bunch of spoiled stupid people. I don’t think my cup is half full right now, what do you think?

CDs aren’t good enough. They had to go and add secret bonus tracks. In fact, CDs are just too limiting, we need 800 terabyte ipods that contain 418,237 of your most favorite songs which if you played them all, you’d have to live to be 132 years old. Why not? Everything else isn’t good enough.

DVDs, yep, they too cannot escape. Now they re-issue them as “digitally enhanced”. What the hell? Can I be digitally enhanced? I mean for a guy to make it in the porn industry now, you have to be hung like a horse (no exaggeration there either). And the women in porn need a boob job that is at least a double D cup size (and those will come in handy in the event of a water landing because you can use them as a legitimate flotation device).

Movies are longer, coffees are stronger and larger, TVs are bigger, I could go on and on. Is there not something that bucks this sickening trend?????

But wait, after 750 intensive hours of studying commercials and infomercials I think I’ve found it: mattresses! According to the commercials, they never change mattresses. How could they? Every year they have those mix-match sales where somehow they have mysteriously sold the fabric of one part of the mattress but not the other. Is this like socks lost in the dryer? Anyway, they tell you right on their commercial that the only thing that has changed from the prior year is the color/design. They’ve been telling us this for at least 10 years now! What the hell are the people at Sealy thinking? Don’t they know they must improve and enhance? At least come out with a 2x Super California King size mattress offering; the one you have to have the wall removed to place into the bedroom. Now that’s what I’m talking about!

5 comments:

markjamesmurphy said...

Over the years, they've added more and more orangy cheese powder to Doritos. I predict that eventually they'll phase out the corn chip entirely and just offer a snack made of the compressed orangy cheese powder. Fuckers.

Variant E said...

Didn't they change that Nacho Cheese formula awhile back? I swear they just intensified the cheese taste so that it felt like you'd gotten the double espresso of a Nacho cheese chip after that. So then, if they do keep adding more of that powder. Yikes. Agent orange! Somewhere in that corn chip there is actually a natural ingredient...they're probably just saving money and eliminating nature completely from their product and compensating by adding more powder! Good call out.

Starlet said...

you forgot about Rockstar. They sell those things in 36 ounce cans all of a sudden. I mean, 12oz will give you a heart attack alone, but 36 is just insanity. I hope pretty soon they make it into powder so we can just snort it and be done.

Anonymous said...

The only thing wrong with this post is that it's too short! Get with the times man!

Have you ever eaten at the "Claim Jumper?" I like to call it the "Hungry Heffer."

Variant E said...

Rockstar? Yeah, there training them for meth use later on with those sized ones.

And oh yeah, I suck too because I have short posts! Damn I hate me! I'll send myself an email to do better next time.