Monday, October 23, 2006

Theme Week with VE

It’s theme week here on Fantastical Nonsense. Why? Because these days you have to have a theme or a cause. I’ve decided I will add some theme to my normal everyday get up-get ready for work-work-go home time. Here’s how the week is shaping up:

Monday – Spy Theme. I’ll use the secret exit from the house and start off with the stealth car (it’s disguised as a 1974 Pinto) until I can proceed to the pre-designated rendezvous point (public garage or park-and-ride lot) for a strategic car switch. After about three of these, I’m off to work. While waiting for my morning bagel and drink, I discretely make the first of two laptop bag switches upon which I receive my instructions for the day. I’m to train 15 of our elite reconnaissance leaders on the proper instructions for our mission (ok, it’s a powerpoint presentation to middle managers on our upcoming software release project…but that sounds way cooler). On the way home I’ll use my James Bond rotating license plates to confuse prying eyes.

Tuesday – West Side Story Theme. I’ll duck in and out of the alleys on the way to work (ok, they’re running paths and suburb streets) calling out Maria. There’s really nobody at work named Maria but nobody at work really knows everyone anyway so that’s ok. Then, we managers will start hanging out together and talking about the engineers and how they’ve really tried to invade our turf. We’ll start singing:

When you’re a manager you’re a manager all the way
From your first interview to your last bonus pay
When you’re a manager you’re the cream of the crop
You tell others to work and you make sure they don’t stop

You’re never alone
You’re always in a meeting

You’ve got your cell phone
And projects your completing


Later, in a big employee relations showdown with the Engineers, we’ll all be dancing and singing:

The Managers are going to have their way today
Those Engineers are going to pay today.

They thought they could pad the estimates, how bleak
But now we’ll enforce overtime, all week

And in the end I’ll be screaming “Chino, Chino. Give me a bad review Chino”

Wednesday – Yellow Submarine Theme. I think I’ll be Ringo. Why? Because John and George died early and Paul’s getting reamed in a divorce case. All my upper management will be Blue Meanies. They are naturals. I’ll decorate my office with black holes. All my management peers will be those creatures that point…because they are good at point the finger at others. Occasionally HR will come along as one of those guys with the giant toothed stomach that eats things that get in the way. Oh and that guy with the nose that sucks away everything; that’s the finance budget guy.

Thursday – Scooby Doo Theme. I’ll find a green shirt and brown bell-bottomed pants and then not shower or comb my hair (and not shave) as I head to work. I’ll drive a rented 1976 Chevy Van to go to work in. I’ll borrow a friends Great Dane to be Scooby and then I’ll just do some ventriloquist tricks to make Scooby speak. They’ll let me keep him there at work because I’ll tell them he’s a seeing eye dog. Never-mind that I’m not blind, that usually impresses everyone to stop asking questions. Our mystery to solve will be to figure out why nobody actually gets anything done. It will ultimately come down to my co-managers in a conspiracy to hold so many meetings, nobody has time to get any work done.

Friday – Military Theme. I’ll dress up in the full camo outfit complete with the Ray Ban mirrored sunglasses (even though it’s raining and cloudy). I’ll get a number 1 razor hair cut and shave to the point of puberty. I’ll rent the Hummer and take the power line roads into work (because they’re the only unpaved roads around). All work will be done in the War Room and I’ll expect everyone to talk in “CB mode” and use military time. The bathroom will become the “head”. The toilet the “latrine”. The cafeteria food will be “Chow” and will be taken at thirteen hundred. Those late for my meeting will drop down and give me twenty to the point where there nose goes right into that Pepsi puddle I created just to make their lives hell!

4 comments:

Starlet said...

naw, Thursday is hip hop. HIP HOP DAMMIT!!!!! You dress in a starter cap and baggy pants. Every time you speak to someone it must be in the form of a rap poem. You drink hennessy and pay for everything with exact change and talk about how the cops are sweatin on you. Drive in a black car with tinted windows and spinners. Get in fights with your hoes in the parking lot. Now THATS a theme!!!

Variant E said...

Well tinted around here right now you wouldn't get 10 blocks without hitting something because it would be so dark out with all the clouds and shit. And do you start with a starter cap but end with a finisher cap??? Damn I feel old.

Starlet said...

well if you hit people it would all the more HIP HOPPY-ish. That terminology is all wrong. I'm going to have to ask my homies about that at work tonight because as you know, it is now Thursday. I am going to start calling it glorious thursday.

Variant E said...

Well thank God Thursday only comes once a week then!