Thursday, November 02, 2006

Early New Year Resolutions

There are two reasons why VE is working on his New Years resolutions already.

1. There are too many holidays in a row right now and poor VE will be just too tired to deal with making resolutions by the end of it all.
2. This year the resolutions are a tad more challenging

Here they are:

1. To live forever

I know, I know; it’s a long term goal! Forget for a moment that everybody in the history of mankind has failed at this very straight-forward resolution. What’s the big deal? I’m just going to refuse to die. But I promise to put flowers on your tombstone should you not have the same lofty resolution.

2. To achieve total consciousness

This one will be tough too; I’m barely conscious at all most of the time. I’ll probably have to start with some baby steps like having some momentary flashes of consciousness every so often and work up. I know; I’ll plot it out on a spread sheet. I’m sure that will allow me to achieve it. Besides, I’m sure there are businesses or cults that can assist me with this one.

3. To have absolute power

I don’t know why I would want absolute power but I keep reading how all these people struggle to achieve it. There’s probably a correspondence course I can take or some community college degree or some shit like that. I could look toward the Government sector too.

4. To get laid by every beautiful woman in the world

This one will take awhile too. It’ll help when I achieve resolution 1. It will also help when I achieve resolution 3. Of course, I reserve the right to define beautiful…because, well, because I will have absolute power! Please RSVP if you want a spot in the front of the line.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mine is the same year after year. It is easy to keep and does me well. It is simply "This year I will try and maintain everything I built up last year. If I add to who I am great, if not, great as long as I do not regress."

Starlet said...

I think you should throw a totally pointless one in there. You know, just to throw people off. Something like "eat more cheerios."

Variant E said...

As long as they are Honey Nut Cheerios I guess that might be ok. Cocoa Puffs? Now that's a worthy resolution!

House of Suz said...

#3? You want to be Pope or Hitler? Which is it?

Variant E said...

You know...the little mustache is too dorky and I'm really not into genecide. As to the Pope...well...he is just too religous for me. I would like to be towed around in the glass booth and wave though.