Monday, April 23, 2007

Bring it on bird!

I know. Let's have a theme week. I'll take on the wild kingdom this week. Let's start with birds.

Birds do not like me. I don’t know why. Maybe in a past life I was the Hitler of the bird species and now they are paying me back. You’d think in their minds that I was responsible for the demise of the Dodo or something.

Long ago when I was in the Bay area in California I was attacked by a Falcon in a neighborhood in Alameda, CA. We are talking a normal neighborhood on an island in the middle of a metropolitan mecca. As I ran haphazardly from tree to porch trying to avoid from this winged menace from giving me a deep root hair cut, I’m sure the neighbors were calling 911 about the lunatic in the street for each time I sought help that damn bird would hide in a tree and I’d look like an idiot screaming about a vicous attacking bird that was nowhere to be found.

Flash forward many years and picture a lovely spring day with the birds chirping sweetly. Yeah, I used to think that too on those kind of spring days. But in reality, these birds aren’t sweetly chirping, they’re in a “do or die” defend the nest mood. That isn’t a welcoming song your hearing, it’s a “stay away from junior” threat.

I had been running along this golf course and sure enough Spring rolls along and damn if I wasn’t swooped at each and every day by one or two birds. They had their warning panic song blazing as I ran by as if I were going to whip out the George Foreman portable omlette maker right there on the spot and take advantage of the opportunity with future junior. Give me a break. I tried running on the other side of the road but they even followed me over there.

Now flash forward to today. Riding my bike along a country road and sure enough some bird is standing there right in my path on the road staring me down. Cue up the Spaghetti western music… “Bring it on bird” I yell as he makes his move. Little did he know I brought along my weapon of mass bird destruction, the Blackhawk Industries AKA 420 Wide Spread Automatic Assualt Weapon. Designed to spray mini bullets that then explode into shrapnel across a two foot range, this 16,000 bullets a minute baby will disarm an entire acre. Sure enough, bye bye birdie. Ok, that was just what was rolling through my mind. In reality it was another swoop and dive encounter with a bird.

I don’t know what it all means, but I’ve got Jessie Jackson negotiating a peace treaty between myself and the bird community.

5 comments:

Your Girl Friday said...

And I must be Hitler of the birds wife.

They hate me, I hate them.

Its harmony.

Actually, it's a phobia!

iamnot said...

I once had a seagull shit on a book I was reading at the beach.
Ok...not as big a deal maybe...but I was traumatized!

Good you've got Jesse on the case. Inside of a week, the CEO of Birds, Inc. will issue you a public apology and Jesse a very large check.

Shawna said...

OMG, I am terrified of birds, for the exact same reason. I grew up on a farm in Oregon, our neighbors "down the way" were weird, had a bunch of exotic animals. They had a parrot that flew freely through their house. It hated me, it pecked me, it dive bombed me. I hate birds, especially parrots. I also had to collect the eggs from our chickens every morning...man when it was time to slaughter the chickens I was RIGHT there with my Dad, knife in hand, ready to slit their pecking little necks off...I know, disturbing, but true!

Kurt said...

Perhaps you have seeds in your hair.

Scary Monster said...

Me figures that you be guaranteed a part iffin they ever decide to re-make the Hitchcock classic again.
stomp.