Wednesday, April 25, 2007

New Pets, New Pets

Welcome to round three of our mini-series on the wild kingdom. In this episode we find VE contemplating on getting a pet. The cameras zoom in...


I want a weasel. I’ll name him Booregard. It’ll have to be a him because women keep telling me all males are weasels. I’ll spray lots and lots of cologne on him and we’ll go down to Nordstrom’s and scare the snobby people. Later, we’ll go to the park so everyone can stare at me and say “what a weasel”. Plus, he can steal Hostess Berry pies for me from the Chinese man at the overpriced mini-mart…because he’s a weasel! I want a sloth. I’ll name him Simon. I’ll put a pole right there in the family room and we’ll just hang out together for like 58 hours straight and not move. Him on the pole, me on the sofa. We’ll watch bad movies and obnoxious reruns on TV and eat lots of chips and guacamole. I’ve bought a supply of astronaut diapers for myself and some newspaper below him just for the occasion.
I want a Hippo. I will name him Henriche. I’ll build a big pond for him out back and we can cool off together in the summer time. I’ll wheel down to the Wild Water World and we can do the wave pool together. For lunch it’s over to the Kings Table Buffet for all-you-can-eat salad bar. I’ll get a year’s coupon book at the Shell Car Wash and take him over there every other day for a nice shower. After Christmas, he can eat the tree!

4 comments:

Scary Monster said...

You could just get yourself a tamagotchi and save yourself a whole lot of trouble. Ther's nothing Trivial about the Pusuit for the perfect pet.
Keep ringing that cash register for ya. Cha-Ching$

STOMP.

iamnot said...

Just how long have you been off the meds?

Shawna said...

I vote for the sloth!

iamnot - i was thinking, what meds is he ON?!?!

padraig said...

I want a salamander. I will name him "Seamus". I want a frog, and I will name him "Fergus".

Because I like the names "Seamus" and "Fergus" and my wife would consider neither in the naming of our children.

Not even the girl! Imagine!