Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Zen of the Bovine

In another stunning VE exclusive, it has just been determine that cows are actually at the top of the animal intelligence pyramid. According to Maya U. Beestoopid, the leading researcher at the Bovine Education Excellence Force (BEEF), the average cow has an IQ in the range of 450 to 500. “Yes, they’ve had to overcome such daunting obstacles as the lack of opposable thumbs with only their vast mind power” reveals Maya.

Studies by VE’s own top lab rats (a term commonly used to describe top scientists in the research community but since VE is cheap and doesn’t like employee reviews, he has hired actual rats to do the research) reveals that while the cows brain is incredibly small for it’s body it is also firing more synapses than has ever been recorded before. “Think of their brain as an incredibly complex computer that has gotten smaller and smaller but more efficient over time” quotes D. Illusioned, one of the primary researchers.

“With this intelligence, they have moved beyond mere trivial pursuits (I get paid for product placement in my posts now…chalk up two dollars for Trivial Pursuit…make that four now). The fact that they stand out in a pasture and eat grass all day merely proves the zen-like focus they have on higher thought philosophies and problems. They don’t care if they die in a horrible McDonald-esque McMeat Shredder; they are in total consciousness and death is merely a transitory stage.” says I. Wonder, another leading researcher.

An ancillary study is convening to understand the links between methane disbursement (farting) and brain usage in the animals.

4 comments:

Shawna said...

I have no idea how these things sprout up in your mind, but they amuse me to no end.

Kurt said...

Please tell me how I can get cash for product placements.

Scary Monster said...

There be nothing Trivial in the Pursuit of expressing ones thoughts pertaining to either bovine or porcine status within the socio economic intelligencia.

You now recieve another two dollars- go out and get yourself a happy meal.
STOMP.

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