Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Big House

I’m going to build a big fucking house. Costco size it baby. I want so many rooms that there will be a room just to hold pictures of all the other rooms!

I want secret exits and hallways. And tunnels out to the property. In fact, tunnel it all the way to the local store so I can ride my go cart to get more ice cream.

I want one of those stairways like in Harry Potter that connect up at random.

I want an elevator that opens up at different places because that section of the house along with adjoining sections all rotate so you never quite know where you'll end up.

I want some of the hallways to be full screen monitors with displays of hallways and doors to make people mistakingly try to use them. I’ll have video cameras recording their embarrassment and putting them out on YouTube.

I want a water tube that takes me down to the pool in the yard; which means I’ll need to build at least four or five floors to this place.

I want a round room that as you walk the furniture and furnishings come to you and aren’t necessarily on the floor but fixed so they might be on the ceiling or walls; sort of like being inside a mouse ball directing the area of the room to come to you.

Instead of a tree house, I want a house tree. It’ll be on one side of the house but inside and it will use hydroponics to grow so that I can see the roots from the basement and all the way up to the fifth floor at the top of the tree.

I’m going to build in a small private urinal right into the wall in the bedroom and then conceal it so nobody knows. That way I don’t have to really get up and walk all the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. While you females think that is gross and boo hoo my audacity, the males reading this are going…damn, that would be awesome!!

Don’t forget the spiraling three story bowling lane I’ll install; with video cameras and monitors to see how the ball progresses down the lane of course.

I’m going to have a golf driving range right in the house. No, I don’t need length here. It will go out and up a shute that steers the driving ball virtually straight up and behind me and then back down another shute so that it rolls right back to me. I’ll keep an antenna with sensors to guage just how high (ie far) I’m hitting the ball.

Yes, I’ll have a moat. It keeps the solicitors and paparazzi at a distance. Plus, I can hook up one of those automatic ski cables above it and go water skiing all summer. In the winter, it can freeze and I can go ice skating. In the fall I can drain it and turn it into a great half pipe for skateboarding.

Who said I ever grew up!

11 comments:

Theresa said...

You should talk to Diesel, it looks like he is building your house.

ADW said...

Wow!! I have never put that much thought into my dreamhouse other than the required staff of forty-five so that I no longer have to lift a finger to do anything.

iamnot said...

I had that house in the 70s...at least that's what the mushrooms told me it looked like.

Jenny! said...

Can you order two please!

Kurt said...

Why not one of those outhouse wall urinals right next to the bed? Just roll on your side and empty out.

Serena Joy said...

Wow, that's some house! I don't know, though -- I have a recurring dream about a house with tunnels and passageways and stairways that go nowhere. I just know there's something bad behind me in there.:-)

Anne said...

Can I come over?

I'll bring the secret hidden attic steps, and the peep-hole portraits of very old pompus people.

littlebirdblue said...

Heck--you live in Portland, why not get you one of them sky trams? I hear they're all the rage.

Variant E said...

Theresa - No fair, he can't build my house!

adw - You forgot - that's a free staff of 45!

iamnot - You did a lot in the 70s!!

jenny - Sure. We can even build a tunnel between them and race go carts!

kurt - Excellent idea. You shouldn't have to go far to pee at night!

sj - Well I wouldn't make it creepy scary; maybe some shag carpet back there. Wait, that's scary in itself.

anne - Oh, I forgot about the peep holes. Come on over then.

littlebirdblue - I could do a sky cam...as long as it's like a zip line ride...really fast!

Serena Joy said...

Oh, geez -- shag carpet. NOW you've scared me.:-)

Shawna said...

You

Crack

Me

Up