Thursday, June 28, 2007

Charlie the Unicorn Demythed

You've all seen it. You've all enjoyed it.

Sometimes it is called Candy Mountain
Sometimes it is called Charlie the Unicorn

But after 15 months of intensive investigation, VE investigators have exposed the trail of lies behind the video.

The first shocking revelation is that Charlie is not a unicorn at all. "He's actually just a white horse from a farm outside of New York" cites D. Tox, chief investigator. "We even found a white plastic unicorn horn and evidence of two sided sticky tape in the stall."

He's got a history of scrapes with the law too. Breaking out of his meadow and wandering the streets of town at night without securing a proper pooper scooper prior to said incidents.

But further investigations are continuing and leading to an even darker reality. There may be evidence that Charlie is merely an animated horse. While we cannot completely confirm this accusation, our research is continuing along this line.

"A digital analysis of the voices of said unicorns have determined that they simply do not match those of any of the horse family of animals. Also, animals can't talk." stated Don Dusk, from the ministry of unusual animal requests (MUAR).

Investigators have also concluded that through their research (looked it up in Wikipedia) the notion of the unicorn itself can only be classified as a legendary creature and that there is no substantial evidence of unicorns ever existing.

While the Leoplurodon did in fact exist, research scientist Y. Me points out "Well, you certainly wouldn't find a Leoplurodon laying on a rock in a meadow. They were water creatures. Oh, and there's also the fact that they have been extinct for millions of years..."

The question as to the authenticity of the scene on the bridge has led our investigators to conclude that was staged as well. Of the 785 actual foot bridges across canyons, no such bridge actually produced splinters and the majority of them were simply unsafe to cross.

As to Candy Mountain itself, well, evidence is pointing to that being a stage prop as well. "If you look closely at the mountain, you'll note that the candy laid out around the mountain is simply too uniformily disbursed to be a real candy mountain" concludes Gene Splicer, candy mountain expert. "I just don't buy it..."

As to the Kidney incident; according to the Urban Legend Website, Kidney stealing for monitary gain has no evidence whatsoever. The Kidney Foundation has not had one unicorn or horse step up to claim involuntary removal of their kidney.

Investigations continue...

7 comments:

Arlene said...

I feel so lost right now...

Kurt said...

I've never seen the video, so thanks for the link!

Serena Joy said...

If there are pirates afoot thieving the kidneys of unicorns (and plain old horses), something needs to be done ASAP. I propose a benefit concert with all proceeds going to a unicorn retirement farm. Save the Unicorns, damn it!:)

Variant E said...

arlene - It's ok...I have a map to a place full of magic and wonder...

kurt - Watch it immediately. It will be an adventure of hope and wonder

sj - Good call. Let's add unicorn horns to certain products so if you buy those, it will go to the cause.

littlebirdblue said...

The world is a safer place for your diligence, E.

Jenny! said...

Never seen the video before either. Can I go with Arlene to the place full of magic and wonder???

Variant E said...

lbb - Thanks. I'd also like to thank the letter 'Y'...only because they did so in the video too. But now that I'm thinking about it the 'C', 'A', 'N' and 'D' all got snubbed.

jenny - Sure! We must consult the leoplurodon first though.