Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I Need to Save Time

I need to save more time. I’m just too busy looking busy these days.

First, I don’t have time to illegally download those songs on the radio I like. I’m going to invent technology that automatically downloads it from just pushing a button on my car stereo when I hear a song I like. I’ll have told it where to deposit that music file too; perhaps right to my ipod that is in the car.

I don’t have time to eat and what with all the hands-off regulations while driving, I’m in discussions with all the fast food company’s to put out their new drive-through feedbags. You simply put it on and instead of having to steer with your knee while you eat your whopper, now you’ll have a couple dozen tiny bite-size whoppers that just come right to your mouth through the patented feedbag. No hands!!

I don’t have the quality time to take a good crap anymore. Thanks to my newly invented sliding compartment in my car’s driver’s seat; I can simply crap while I’m driving. The custom Bordeaux and air drying systems are a technological wonder. I’ll have special biodegradable packaging in which to dispense said material with later.

I don’t have time to get full nights sleep but I do need to get it all. Thanks’ to my patented bed accessory that knocks me out cold, I no longer have to waste the 30-60 minutes to fall asleep and the other 20-50 minutes to REM. I’ve also incorporated the patented tilt a bed to dump me out of bed when the alarm goes off so I avoid the 25 times I would hit the snooze button.

I don’t have time for work. Fortunately I have a job in which I do nothing anyway; now I’ll just do it virtually. All meetings will be in the form of phone conferences to my cell phone where ever I am (on the beach). All emails will be done through a blackberry wherever I am (getting another fruity rum drink). Even my paychecks can be direct deposited so I don’t think I’ll actually have to show up to work for a couple of years.

5 comments:

Jenny! said...

That sounds like great ideas! Could I test out a few of those...except for the "Crap On Wheels"...i prefer to still use the John!

Scary Monster said...

Actually Me likes the dump n drive idea. Goes along with me bio-fuel post.
Idle minds think alike.

STOMP.

Variant E said...

Jenny - Poor John, everybody prefers to crap on him!

SM - New bio-fuel; excellent. Save a million in profits for me!

Conti said...

Are you hiring? I do nothing and get paid nothing.

Variant E said...

Conti: I always hire people that don't want to get paid! That's what you meant, right?