Thursday, June 14, 2007

Pulled Straight from VEs Brain

OMG…they amputated my girlfriend at the wrist!!! Then they wanted me to lend a hand! Ok, bad joke. Seriously, she is doing fine. Thanks everyone.

I don’t think she appreciates my humor regarding her lack of opposing thumb abilities though.

So judging from the yahoo news blurbs regarding Paris Hilton, let me see if I’ve got this straight.

- She goes into jail
- She gets out of jail under house arrest
- She goes back into jail sobbing like a big spoiled baby
- She then gets maturity and won’t appeal and its the right thing to do?
- She then claims to have found God?

If those things were really true, then I predict that by the end of the week she will have achieved total consciousness. Assuming she continues on this same progressive improvement scale, we should expect her to cure cancer in the next week or so followed shortly by a healthy non-fat producing dessert line that everyone loves. The possibilities after that are just so large that we mere mortal human beings don’t have to capacity to reason them. God bless Paris for being so strong!

Let's chart this...
Hey, after that incident where the boy in the wheelchair got caught in the grill of the semi-truck and taken for a freeway ride at 50mph for a few miles, do you think Six Flags is going to do a virtual reality ride with the same theme?

Imagine it…you strap into your own personal wheel chair that is hooked up to the front of a large semi. There’s a huge screen in front of you. The semi actually starts and roars its engines and honks its horn and the screen takes you screaming through traffic and freeways on a crazy scary road trip. Sign me up!! Awesome!

13 comments:

Shawna said...

Paris is getting exactly what she wanted out of this:

PUBLICITY, PUBLICITY, PUBLICITY

God I want to punch her in the face so bad...

Anne said...

Healthy Desert? What part of sand and hot air is healthy? Oh, sorry, you meant dessert. Never mind, I get it. (Two S's for seconds, please.)

I can't wait for Lindsay to go behind bars, too, and not the drinking kind. I'm tired of all of young Hollywood thinking they're invincible.

Variant E said...

Shawna - Punch her again for my girlfriend...she cannot punch right now.

Anne - Good catch. See, I haven't achieved total conciousness yet. But I can correct my post ;)

iamnot said...

"The desert is a lonely place."

Yea, she's living in the accelerated time line of Hollywood. Don't worry, just like the portrait of Dorian Gray, they always fall apart before they get anywhere with it.

Jenny! said...

That wheelchair kid story...so don't see how he got caught...but its a good thing he wears diapers as I am sure he crapped his pants!

Paris timeline was fantastic!

Kurt said...

Best post ever!

Variant E said...

iamnot - yeah, yeah...I never could get that whole dessert and desert thing figured out. I keep putting sand on my ice cream...

jenny - Probably some of them astronaut diapers; good for at least 900 miles!

kurt - Welcome back. I'm looking forward to more reality distortion on your site!

littlebirdblue said...

I hope your ladyfriend's cast comes off by the time y'all take the trip to the Caribbean. Cast-tanline...eww.

Diesel said...

Hey, that guy getting caught by that semi happened a few miles from where I was staying on my vacation. Weird stuff like that happens everywhere I go.

ADW said...

Blech to Paris. I am kind of hoping that she starts some kind of prison riot over tater tots and ends up getting another 5 years added to her sentence.

Variant E said...

littlebirdblue - It is supposed to. If not, I'll just paint it a tan color and call it even!

diesel - Aha, so THATS how he got hooked to that semi...

adw - Its hard not to riot over tator tots and even worse if you run out of ketchup!

Shawna said...

dessert and desert, how I learned to remember is that you ALWAYS want more dessert, hence the two s's!!!

It's helped me out every time!

padraig said...

I think your graph needs work.

There's usually a branching right before "Finds God", one branch has a dramatically increasing slope which leads to "becomes enlightened" and the other reaches a maxima at "Finds God" and goes steadily downhill from there.