Tuesday, August 21, 2007

FUPWAB

VE is concerned. Concerned on the scale of the baby boomer’s taking all of the social security and leaving me with nothing scale.

First, it’s global warming and now it’s looking like a shortage of FUPWAB. What is FUPWAB you ask? You guys are so clever. Of course; it’s Fucking Useless Products We All Buy. FUPWAB!!!
I’ve been charting the trends:
- Ebay, down 18% on the sheer volume of FUPWAB auctions
- Nickel Ads, a whole page had to be removed due to lack of FUPWAB postings
- Antique Stores, slashing their epic prices of FUPWAB by over 400%
- Garage Sales, neighborhoods grouping together to have enough FUPWAB to sell
- Pawn Shops, having to put bars over their windows to protect their FUPWAB
- Home Shopping Network, viewship has dropped below the Country RAP channel

I know! This is serious. If we don’t reverse this trend, Americans everywhere are going to be able to park their cars in their garage!

The public storage market will collapse!
China will have no jobs!
Where will Goodwill and Value Village get their product?
But like global warming, you can play your part in this crisis. Why every time I buy a garden gnome or wooden giraffe for the living room I feel like Johnny Appleseed spreading the seeds of future FUPWAB. So go out there! Consume! Collect! Gather! Use those hunter/gatherer genetics! Save FUPWAB!




10 comments:

iamnot said...

Trying like hell to keep my kids from buying for the sake of buying.
Tough job though.

I'm really jones'n for a gnome now.

Kanrei said...

I love crap. FUPWAB is a great term for 90% of my possessions. Never fear for the future of junk dealers because there will always be PackRats like me out there more than happy to have, hold, and keep everything they want to lose. The China thing may not be all that bad though...

Serena Joy said...

I'm doing my part in the great FUPWAB war. I refuse to give up my gnome, though.:)

Jenny! said...

Gnomes scare me...they are like leprechans but different...but still creepty!

Variant E said...

iamnot - Yeah, how can I do that with my kids when I cannot even keep myself from the FUPWAB!

kanrei - He has the most possessions in the end wins!

sj - Keep hold of that gnome...but watch out; they can be quite tricky

jenny - They do look like they just flushed all your cash down the toilet, don't they?

Kurt said...

My titanium Beanie Baby carrier is NOT useless.

Variant E said...

kurt - An excellent use for a rare material..A FUPWAB holder! I like it!

Jill said...

I have to say, I have a lot of crap.
But it is all crap I use on a regular basis.
I like my crap. I embrace my crap.

Variant E said...

Jill - Welcome! You know what they say...use it or lose it.

Camille Alexa said...

Embrace the crap you like, sure, but ditch the crap you don't. C'mon, people; a little selectivity, here.