Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Alternate Endings

Every so often a movie starts with it’s original ending but based on audience feedback sometimes ends up with a completely different ending. “Pretty Woman” is one such movie. I guess the original had Julia Robert’s character not ending up with her prince charming and instead went back to a life of drugs. Now why did they change that original happy ending? I just don’t get it.

That got old VE a wondering about other movies that had alternate endings that weren’t quite so upbeat and that we haven’t heard about. I immediately sent out the investigative staff. Here’s what they came up with:

******* WARNING: SPOILERS OF MOVIES YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN BY NOW BUT WERE LIVING IN A CAVE OR WATCHING REALITY TV *******

Shawshank Redemption – The original ending didn’t have “Red” strolling up to a tanned happy Andy Dufresne working on his boat. Instead, Andy lost all his money on an outdoor flea market business selling trinkets to American tourists only to be later captured by “The Dog” and extradited back to the USA for bounty money. Red had to succumb to 17 straight hours of timeshare condominium presentations and went mad.

Pulp Fiction – It didn’t matter; nobody could figure out where this movie ended anyway since all of the pieces were out of time order. They simply swapped pieces in every single theatre just to have some fun with the audience.




The Matrix – Neo doesn’t place a call through the Matrix phone booth and then “superman” away into the digital atmosphere. Instead, it turned out he didn’t have change for the phone call and Agent Smith hits him with a Microsoft Error Message which causes him to be in a perpetual “running” mode and unable to do anything ever again. Eventually Morpheus determine he couldn’t be the “one” (he was probably two or five or something) and unplugs him. The “one” is ultimately outsourced to a third party provider in India who isn’t as good, doesn’t have the cool leather clothing and ultimately causes the demise of human kind.

It’s a Wonderful Life. Interestingly, the original version doesn’t end with George smiling while Zuzu points out the ringing of the jingle bell. Instead, the original had subsequent footage of the IRS coming in and seizing 60% of George’s newly acquired income. This causes George to take out a no-money-down loan with a variable interest rate balloon payment at the end at which time he is unable to make having squandered all his money finally traveling around and his friends don’t bail him out again since he’s been selling them LP Siding all these years. Apparently they dropped all this subsequent footage due to movie length and the lack of Astronaut diaper technology at the time.

American Beauty. Instead of getting a bullet in his head by his neighbor, the original version had the neighbor tricking him by shooting him with a squirt gun acquired from the Third Reich (a rare collectible indeed). They became close after that and eventually he divorced her and married him during the legal Gay marriage window and went on to open his own chain of restaurants featuring real Nazi china. The neighbors son videotaped the wedding.

23 comments:

Kanrei said...

You suck! You really really suck! I have been working on this exact same idea for two days now. I was going to post it today. I have like seven movies I had reworked the plots to. Now I will just be a VE clone if I post it. I need a new idea now. I'm gonna cry.

justacoolcat said...

I wonder how Leaving Las Vegas should have ended? Happy, I'm sure.

VE said...

Kan - Great minds think alike! Post 'em anyway and just say we collaborated on the same idea or I stole yours through mental telepathy and posted early! I'd still like to see 'em.

And besides, I have a post already written (I have a stockpile of almost 20 pre-written now) about song parodies and it looks a lot like your recent post (different songs...). So you suck too! LOL

Kanrei said...

OK, We suck. I think I am mainly bitter because yours are so much better and funnier than mine.

I am starting to think you, me, and Scary need to write something together. We are missing our calling.

VE said...

justacoolcat - It doesn't end. Thanks to suburban sprawl you can never leave Las Vegas as it's now interconnected with every city in America through a series of identical strip malls

kan - Yes, we should collaborate with SM. Got a concept in mind?

Kanrei said...

Just world domination right now. Its details I need =D

Mine are pretty bad. I am going to add one here instead.

28 Days Later- Sandra Bullock plays a newspaper columnist forced to enter a rehab facility only to find the world overtaken by zombies upon her release.

iamnot said...

Gee thanks...I WAS going to rent American Beauty some day.

VE said...

iamnot - Don't say I didn't warn you about spoilers!

Shawna said...

I need to take a few of your stockpiled blogs, so that I can get the gumption to start writing again, before you guys all take me off your lists....

I know, I suck. I actually sat down to write last night, but fucking SPADES got me again, was online for like 4 hours playing spades...so fucking lame, I'm not even 32 yet, WTF is wrong w/me?

Serena Joy said...

Most of the new plots, I like better than the originals. I particularly like your new ending for 'American Beauty.' LOL.

You, Kan, and Scary should seriously collaborate on some project. That would be great.:)

Theresa said...

So, tell me how The Lord of the Rings ends. Does Sam declare his love to Frodo, and then they have a big Hobbit wedding?

Kurt said...

Thanks for spoiling the endings of all those movies - I was planning on watching them someday.

VE said...

shawna - I don't charge that much for ghost writing blog posts either! Of course...you end of coming off weird, like me then.

sj - Yeah...and did they even consult me during the screen writing? Noooooooo!

theresa - Funny you should ask about LOTR. Stay tuned...

kurt - Five words: Read the spoiler warning first!

Nessa / Goldennib said...

It's a shame they changed the movies. These versions would have been more realistic.

Jeff said...

That Microsoft Error Message is a bitch!

I'm glad you stopped by my place - I had no idea you were out here writing funny stuff - and I've been missing it!

Scary Monster said...

love the song parody!
Me be wonderin what ya might have done with the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy just might have gotten knocked up by the wizard himself and never made it back to Kansas.

STOMP.

VE said...

n/g - I find it a bit scary that I would be the voice for realism!

jeff - Welcome. Yes, I prefer writing to no one; it's less demanding that way!

sm - Hey, somebody saw the parody. Thanks. Wow; now we'll have to change that "There's no place like home" thing to "there's no place like home berthing" based on your ending!

Camille Alexa said...

I like spoilers. Now, I apparently even like spoilers that aren't.

kev said...

Hey, VE. First off, thanks for visiting my site. Secondly, this post was very funny. I especially liked the "It's a Wonderful Life" one.

I'll have to check out more of your site tomorrow, when it's not so close to my beddy bed time.

VE said...

kev - Welcome. Yes, best not to read my stuff late at night...it could lead to despair.

Uncivil said...

Could you rewrite "Old Yeller" for me. It really traumatized me as a child!

"Yeller, you’ve been so good to the family but you’re sick now
so we’re gonna blow your damn brains out!"

Tammie Jean said...

I sooooo want to see Dog bring down the Shawshank guy - that would be awesome!

I wish they went with an alternate ending to Pay It Forward (I suffered through that over the weekend). A bad ending can really ruin a so-so movie...

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