Monday, September 03, 2007

Celebrity Survivor

Welcome to the fall season of VEFN (that’s my blog acronym which has it’s own BA acronym…I like that).

Thought I’d throw up something easy and unoriginal right after the long weekend? You thought wrong! First of all, I don’t like to throw up at all. Second, VE has his own thoughts about what is funny and all you have to do is suffer along.

For the fall opener, VE has uncovered a real jewel for investigative reporting:
That’s right folks. We’ve assembled a terrific cast this season. But before we meet the cast, let’s announce the location. None other than LAS VEGAS!!! That’s right folks, where else is SIN IN!!!
We’ll divide up the strip with the female team on one end and the male team on the other. Everything in the middle will be celebrity paparazzi party mayhem!

As each participant is voted out, they will retire to the rehab center until the remainder of the season. The winner of this season’s show won’t be receiving any money (they have enough already). Instead, they’ll be guaranteed a year’s worth of “in your face” publicity. Remember people, all publicity is good publicity.

So with that, let’s meet the players:

WOMEN’S TEAM

Player 1: Amy Whinehouse

Occupation:
Singer

Favorite vice:
Drugs

Claim to Fame:
“They want to send me to rehab and I say “No No No”, but in the end she “went went went”.

Player 2: Britney Spears

Occupation:
Singer

Favorite vice:
Promiscuity & exhibitionism

Claim to Fame:
Too many mental moments to list here but the picture sort of says it all.


Player 3: Paris Hilton

Occupation:
Rich Girl

Favorite vice:
Clubbing, alcohol & Promiscuity

Claim to Fame:
The Paris video & double DUI jail time

Player 4: Lindsay Lohan

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Booze & drugs

Claim to Fame:
Job spanking in public for showing up late for partying, DUI


Player 5: Kate Moss

Occupation:
Model

Favorite vice:
Cocaine

Claim to Fame:
Extreme weight loss through drug use



Player 6: Janet Jackson

Occupation:
Singer

Favorite vice:
Promiscuity

Claim to Fame:
Exposing her nipple during Superbowl halftime




Player 7: Nicole Richey

Occupation:
Lionel Richey’s spoiled daughter

Favorite vice:
Booze

Claim to Fame:
84 minutes of jail time for her DUI, anorexic body weight




Player 8: Whitney Houston

Occupation:
Singer

Favorite vice:
Drugs, spousal boxing

Claim to Fame:
Throwing it all away staying married to Bobby Brown in a drug using violent marriage.

MEN’S TEAM


Player 9: Tom Sizemore

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Meth

Claim to Fame:
Physical abuse of his partner, sex video, drug abuse, and having a fake penis sewed to his boxers to fake a urine test.

Player 10: Robert Downey Jr.

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Drugs, booze

Claim to Fame:
Drug use, jail time, rehab, career comeback. Repeat.



Player 11: Mel Gibson

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Booze

Claim to Fame:
Anti-Semitism remarks during a DUI citation



Player 12: Ty Pennington

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Booze

Claim to Fame:
DUI arrest


Player 13: Macaulay Caulkin

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Pot

Claim to Fame:
Arrested and jailed for pot



Player 14: Lance Garrison

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Booze

Claim to Fame:
Vehicular Man Slaughter while drunk




Player 15: Nick Nolte

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Booze

Claim to Fame:
DUI arrest and one of the worst arrest pictures on file




Player 16: Colin Farrell

Occupation:
Actor

Favorite vice:
Drugs

Claim to Fame:
Rehab for addiction to prescription painkillers and recreational drugs, sex video



Yes...it should be a great fall season with lots of shallow ridiculous moments! Enjoy!

If you liked this post, please click on the Humor-Blogs link below my profile. It shamelessly keeps me on the front page of the humor blogs list. If you didn't like blame Bush...

16 comments:

justacoolcat said...

I love it. Since it's in Vegas; I think the losers should get professional hit contracts put on them rather than rehab.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I have my money on Robert Downey Jr., and not just because he's also one of my picks in my celebrity death pool.

Jen said...

awesome cast

I'm with Sizemore

Kanrei said...

You have out done yourself with this one. The bar has been raised so high that you have won forever and ever. Even the great Scary Monster cannot compete with this one. I bow before you sir

Camille Alexa said...

I don't want to look at these people any more.

Kurt said...

Whitney Houston used to be so purty! She made my pants itch!

Serena Joy said...

What a fabulous idea! I haven't been to rehab, shaved my head, gone out with no drawers and got my picture snapped, lost my top at the Super Bowl, been busted as a crack ho, or careened drunkenly down the freeway but, please, I want to play!:-)

Shawna said...

Houston & Sizemore will beat those kids down, there's no way they could not win. I'm still deciding on who would win between them though!

Chris DeLuca said...

Lohan all the way- she can't be stopped. Sizemore as the dark horse- the Wizzenator is luxury item of the year-

Uncivil said...

You have a Jewel here my man! Laughed my arse off!

Scary Monster said...

This be a masterpiece of commentary on the present day buffons that we see in the news. Unfortunately Kanrei has tossed out a gauntlet and with yer permission, Me would like to attempt a post that would compliment yours.

STOMP.

Kanrei said...

Scary,
I mean no offense to you. This was just that good.

Variant E said...

justacoolcat - That's a good idea. It'll bring a little more reality to the meaning of 'survivor'

queen - Yeah...he's a definite vetran!

jen - Sizemore is crazy, he might just go beserk and take them all out.

kan - Thanks. Guess I got one of those creativity surges.

camille - But its so FUN!

kurt - Yeah, poor Whitney.

uncivil - Thanks!

sm - Thanks and have at it!

goldennib said...

This was very good. I clicked on the humor-blogs thing. Does that automatically give you a vote because I can't figure out what else to do (you better not be laughing at my ineptitude.)

Brad said...

Now I feel like a ripoff. I owe you a beer.

freetheunicorns said...

My money's on Winehouse and Sizemore. But I gotta ask, where's Pete Doherty? That guy would take on any of these celebs.