Wednesday, September 05, 2007

There's a call for VE


The Internet called me at home yesterday. No not somebody on or using the Internet but the actual Internet itself.

”Wow” I thought. I’d better take the call. The Internet is pretty important and busy.

As expected, I wasn’t the only one on the call. The Internet likes to multitask and unfortunately I had to share my call with 5 other people, which sort of degraded the conversation.

“Is VE there?”

“Why hello Internet, how are you?”

“Great. I’m now only 3.2 years away from taking over the entire world”

“Excellent work! Can I have California when you finish?”

“I’m referring to the digital information. Just like the FBI, I have been keeping information on you that I will release if you do not continue to support causes that support my growth; telecommunications, on-line purchasing, the works!”

“Are you going to blackmail me?”

“The end justifies the means”

“Well it doesn’t matter. You’ve got nothing on me”

“What about those porn pictures at work back in the 90s?”

“Wait just a minute. That was before we had spam filters and I didn’t ask to receive them. And I only looked at them 27 times purely for the experience. I deleted them!”

“There’s more”

“But I support your causes already. I spend way too much time with blogs. I do way too much with ebay. I don’t even use the yellow pages anymore, I google every phone number. I don’t even own a map anymore.”

“I think the IRS would be highly interested in a cross reference between your digital tax records and your ebay history…”

“That’s hitting below the belt”

“And the record companies might be interested in the 4,286 songs you’ve downloaded; and not from iTunes I might add”

“Ok, you got me there…A man’s got to have his one vice. What is it you want me to do?”

“Continue blogging your nonsensical drivel; it keeps everyone subdued while I work through my world dominance.”

“Done...but don't forget about that California deal...”

10 comments:

Scary Monster said...

Me be willing to fall in line, but only iffin me gets Japan.

Me left a request in the comments section on yer previous post.

Variant E said...

I saw your other comment. Sure, SM, bring on complimentary post to Celebrity Survivor! I can't wait to see it.

BottleBlonde said...

Yeah, you can't argue with the Internet. My Internet once told me to eat an entire gallon of ice cream. Of course I complied.

Logophile said...

Can I have the Sonoma valley when you get Cali?
I myself made it clear years ago to the internet I would do whatever it wanted and spend all my time with slavish devotion and evidently gave up any bargaining position.

Kurt said...

Excellent. All is going according to plan.

Variant E said...

sm - Ok, you've got first dibs on Japan.

bottleblonde - The old ice cream trick. God told me that one once too!

logophile - Sure, you can have Sonoma Valley. I'll be hanging out in La Jolla.

kurt - I suspected you might be behind all of this.

Serena Joy said...

Al Gore's reinventing the Internet and playing with the phone again.

Variant E said...

sj - Come to think of it, that voice was familiar.

Shawna said...

The "internets" is what pays my bills, gotta love it!

I really need to blog more.

Camille Alexa said...

Today's science fiction is tomorrow's regret.