Sunday, September 23, 2007

Welcome to California: Next smoking stop 415 miles

In the category of bizarre but almost believable (meaning the new laws are true; the rest is just a fabrication from VE’s disturbed brain so don’t go writing your congressman)…

This news just in….smokers in California will now have their own designated smoking area within the state. Yes, lawmakers concerned about second hand smoke lobbied to enact laws further restricting where smokers can smoke.

One portion of the law requires that there will be no smoking within 200 feet of a bus stop. “It’s sort of like basketball where you cannot be inside the ‘key’ or you’ll get a foul. In this case if you smoke behind the line, you’ll get a citation.” commented an unsympathic non-smoking blue collar voter that has to take the bus because they cannot afford gas prices and also put food on their family’s table.

Once these laws are enacted, smokers will be able to go to a tiny bit of de-militarized nuclear testing desert in Southern California to smoke freely. The location, known among non-smoking lawmakers and lobbying zealots as “Area 2bad” could be a slight hardship on both smokers getting there and back on their smoke breaks but also on the transportation systems needed to complete said journey.

“It makes it difficult to schedule meetings when they’re commuting 850 miles for each smoke break” laments one executive manager at a big money-grubbing company in the Northern part of the state.

And they’re not even out of the criticism there. Already dozens of desert zealots have come forward to complain about the environmental impact on an area just coming back to its own: “I go out there to look at random rocks and cracks in the sun baked mud. Now all I’m gonna see is cigarette butts!” cries an enraged hermit.

“You can govern all you want, but the smokers are going to find a way” warns one cancer-ridden chain smoker when speaking about the lack of legal smoking options. Indeed, it would seem this is the case.

Smokers are now banding together underground. Rumors of secret “smoke houses” have been circulating. These are residences rented by a group of smokers for the intent purpose of having a place to smoke without getting arrested. “I went through three coats of paint and 16 cans of Fabreeze just to get the smoke residue out of the property” complains one property owner.

California deputy Tom Tom warns smokers “We treat these almost as seriously as crack houses. If we catch you there, well, no telling when an officer might have to draw his/her weapon and empty the full cartridge, reload and empty a second one in the line of defense.”

There are some technological advancements that might help alleviate the situation. Several companies are meeting with NASA to develop smoking helmets. These bubbles can be worn and will filter and clean the smoke inside the bubble thus allowing smokers to freely smoke and look stupid anywhere they would like.

12 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Yeah, I can see a budding underground smoking movement. I wonder if the dark-corner cigarette dealers will join the Resistance or just ... deal? Next, of course, legislation will have to be enacted to designate an area for exhaust fumes. Since the desert is already taken, that'll be a logistical nightmare.:-)

Nessa said...

You beat me to the bubble head idea, but I think this is a good solution. Since ciggies are so expensive this will allow smokers to breath their own second hand smoke thus getting more for their money. They could smoke at their jobs thus putting a stop to all those damn cigarette breaks and increases productivity. And the helmet can have a filter on it to clean and circulate the air. A win-win for everyone.

Scary Monster said...

Looks as if the Monster won't be visiting the great state of California in the near future. It's almost as bad in NY. Me can't even enjoy a cigarette with me whisky anymore.

Kurt said...

Love that designated smoking area map.

Jeff said...

I love sweet tasty sarcasm and this post tastes good, like a cigarette should.

Kanrei said...

Just be thankful they are not forcing all you nasty smokers into Death Valley!

I am kidding. I am not one of those ex-smokers. I am still that pissed off demanding smoker's rights ex-smoker. I think those helmets should be given to anyone who thinks second hand smoke might be harming them. I hate crying babies in restaurants when I eat. It disturbs me and prevents me from enjoying my food. I have left places because of the crying babies. Can we pass laws placing limits on where crying babies can be?

iamnot said...

Of course...there are plenty of places where you can legally smoke dope.
I'd get a prescription and just go that way instead.

Theresa said...

Way to go bubble heads! The desert sounds just fine to me.

Diesel said...

I couldn't even believe it went they outlawed smoking in bars. Although I have to admit it's nice to be able to go to a bar without coming out smelling like a bar.

Logophile said...

I'm loving the bubble idea, because ya know, lighting things on fire and then sticking them in your face doesn't look stupid enough.

VE said...

sj - The resistance is growing; they will not win though; they'll all die of cancer before that

nessa - I secretly read blogger's minds and steal their ideas just before they post them. Muh ha ha

sm - Oh, you can buy Whisky at a 7-11 in California. Hell, they have converted supermarkets with nothing but liquor in them. No second hand smoke with DUIs you know.

kurt - Thanks; I cannot guarantee it is within 20 miles of the actual designated area though.

jeff - Unfortunately all my posts have that hacking yucky aftertaste

kan - Crying babies? That's what ipods and headphones are for!

iamnot - What's the fun in pot? You can't get cancer nearly as quickly.

theresa - Yes...and it's lovely weather in the winter. Hey, so it's 124 in the summer but at least your cig will just self light in that heat!

diesel - I know; pretty soon smokers are going to have to buy spray on smoke scent so they can exit a bar properly

logophile - Stupid is as stupid does

Camille Alexa said...

Well, everyone knows Menthol cigarettes don't count.