Friday, October 12, 2007

The Cat in the Hat Comes Back Again

Time to plunge my readers off the deep end of reason...

Here's a faithful page by page translation of this famous sequel Cat in the Hat book but....
as told to a robot learning artificial intelligence from a police officer

How might that work? Read on ('s long...just read what you can tolerate, unless you too need some artificial intelligence)

Two children are subjected to child labor abuse shoveling snow in front of their house. Their parents have abandoned them without proper adult supervision for the entire day.

A large feline animal approaches on pre-production snow blades.
The children recognize the animal is bad and employ an avoidance strategy.

The strategy doesn’t work and the feline animal commits a trespassing offense.
Said feline is found bathing naked in a bow tie and hat.

Said feline is consuming a cake. It would appear to be a vanilla cake with unknown filling.
The shower water is bouncing off an umbrella and flooding the floor.
There is a floating miniature boat in the bathtub.

Slave boy shuts off the water and takes possession of said umbrella.
Threats are made to the feline animal.
Said feline’s bow tie submerges under the tub water.

After the water has drained a pink ring stain in the tub is discovered.
The stain is transferred onto a white dress through a swishing action by said feline.

Slave girl is peeping in the window and discovers the stained dress.
Hypothesis and speculation on the outcome of said dress are formulated.

The stain is then transferred onto a wall through another swishing action by said feline.
It is then scooped from the wall onto slave children’s biological father’s foot devices.

Said shoes cost $10; a fact that seems to emphasize the gravity of the situation.
The stain is transferred to an elongated stain on a hallway rug through a sliding technique by said feline.

The rug is transported to a bedroom by said feline.
Slave boy is thrown off balance from rug pulling and into a possible injury situation
The feline boasts of his stain transference abilities.

The stain is transferred onto a bedspread via a whipping action with the rug by said feline.
Slave boy questions the feline on projected next steps.

Confidence in transference from the feline diminishes.
A single person discussion is had on bed types and their ability to have stains removed.

A miniature feline appears from under the hat of larger feline.
This smaller feline has the first letter of the alphabet embroidered on its hat.

A smaller feline appears from under the hat of the feline with the first letter.
That feline has the second letter of the alphabet embroidered on its hat.

This same process is repeated to reveal the third feline.
These felines collectively employ a multi-stepped stain extraction process.
This process transfers the stain from the house and onto the snow.

It is then identified that the overall objective was not the removal of the stain from the house but removal of the stain from existence.

The smallest feline produces four more subsequently smaller felines via hat exposure.
Slave children display bug eyes in bewilderment.

The seven smaller felines collectively strategize and break down snow stain spots into smaller spots through the use of children’s recreational firearms with corks and cord.

Slave children seek immediate dismissal of their services.
Instead, the workforce is expanded exponentially into a 22 feline working crew.

This feline working crew employs a strategy of spot expansion through a variety of common household items such as a lawnmower and bats.

Praise is extended to the feline working crew for their effort by the original feline.
Four more felines are introduced through hat exposure.

The last feline is not observable through the human eye.
This last feline holds an unfamiliar substance known only to the original feline.
This substance has stain removing properties.

The substance is employed and tornado like reaction is experienced in the area.
The result eliminates the stain completely.
It also puts back all the devices taken out to make the stains in the snow.
It further finished the snow shoveling of the walkway.

Said original feline departs with the promise of returning if said feline work crew is needed for subsequent services.
The feline work crew is given credit at the end of the story.

We will return to your normal sanity next week....or not!


Kurt said...

Read it again!

Ed said...

kurt - Huh?

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

NOW I know why you've named your blog the way you did. Fantastical nonsense indeed. :-)

Serena said...

Yup. Yup. I'm over the edge of the deep end. LMAO, though.:-)

Jenny said...

I've long wondered if Dr.Seus did a lot of acid, now I'm wondering if YOU do too.


Ed said...

jeff - Yep, it wasn't just some catchy title; this stuff is truly nonsenese!

sj - Sometimes you just need to take a left turn!

ab - I've been accused of that before and the scary thing is this is me without drugs!

Camille Alexa said...

Man, YOU should write reviews. Brilliant.

Ed said...

camille - Yep, it's off the deep end a bit. I'm so literal :)