Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Italy Doesn't Convert

I love being in Italy. I can’t speak the language at all but it doesn’t matter; they know I am an American idiot tourist. Since I have low aspirations and don’t mind that fact it all works out.

But try as I might, Italy just doesn’t translate here in America. Here’s what I mean.


Italy: That romantic candlelit dinner for two with your sweetheart. The house wine is perfect, the Italian food is exquisite, the ambiance divine.





America: Ok, I take my girlfriend over to Chucky Cheese for a romantic Italian dinner and WTF; we’re surrounded by screaming kids? And there’s this damn oversized rodent running around trying to hug everyone. Talk about rude! And take it from me; that Italian food they are serving there just isn’t up to par with Italy’s finest cuisine. I just don’t understand it.

Italy: That outdoor café where we sat and just people watched and sipped our espresso coffee and had some wonderful Italian sausage as an appetizer and we had the table all day and night without a second thought.



America: Well, I again take my girlfriend out over to the espresso cart at the local Home Depot. There we were, sitting on stacked up cement retaining wall blocks. It’s just not the same as those petite metal chairs in Italy. And those hot dogs we got that had been spinning around in the rotisserie for two days just weren’t quite up to par with our Italian snack. Frankly, it was quite irritating too that people kept asking me about how many feet fence poles should be put apart or whether or not they should use metal or wood screws. In Italy, everyone knew I wouldn’t understand them in their native language. Here, they just seem to be oblivious to the fact that I’m just trying to sit back and enjoy the ambiance of the man stacking 7200 pounds of roofing shingles into the back of his Ford Escape. I just don’t understand.


Italy: The vibe you get from being escorted along the canal way in Venice. The feel of the old buildings as you silently slip under a stone overpass and down the canal.




America: Ok, I did have trouble finding some canals. Somehow my girlfriend didn’t seem to appreciate that open sewer we floated down in Detroit. “Yes, but the buildings are old” I retorted but she quickly snapped back “No, they’re abandoned and run down!” Ok, I had to give her that; but it didn’t change the fact that they were old! Sure, we had to duck under several wooden planks slapped across the sewer so people could cross. In retrospect, it just wasn’t the same experience. I just don’t understand

Yes, sadly, Italy just doesn’t convert to American.

21 comments:

Kanrei said...

Or you just need a different girlfriend. Sounds like she is bad mojo. Was she with you in Italy for all those things? See?

Kanrei said...

PS- Great Wayne that was good!

Theresa said...

I haven't been in Italy, but Spain is alot like that, sans canals. I guess you'll just have to take your girlfriend to Italy every year. Maybe you should stop going to Chucky Cheese and start saving. ;)

ADW said...

Um, not to point it out, but you were BOTHeating the Italian Sausage? Man, they're better over there than I thought they were.

justacoolcat said...

What? Are you saying the ambiance and pizza at Chucky Cheese aren't as good?

Impossible.

Grannys.Myth.Peeler said...

"And mama used to say all da time
What's a matta you, Hey ya gotta no respect
Whatta you think you do Why you looka so sad
It'sa not so bad, it's a nicea place
Ah Shuddupa ya face"

just remember, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, thats unlucky.

Granny

VE said...

kan - Nah, she's actually a keeper. I'm just messing with you as usual

theresa - Yeah, all in good fun; but really, the vibe is very different in all of Europe. You know, the notion that you could have the table at a restaurant for the entire night...that is not the case here in America. But then again, I'm GLAD they're their own style; I hate that Asia has cloned so much of the American chains and fast food and stuff like that. Uggh.

adw - Come on now...you were looking at a whole different kind of Italian sausage, weren't you?

justacoolcat - That's what I thought too! WTF?

granny - I see you've been around Italians (or are) before. And that moon incident; that would be bad luck.

Nessa said...

I don't see the difference.

ChristytheWriter said...

Hey, I'm from Kansas. I can't say anything. About anything.

VE said...

nessa - You need to translate first and then convert from metric; that should help

christythewriter - Welcome. Isn't Kansas somewhere in the middle?

Mr. Fabulous said...

Your Home Depot has an expresso cart?

Score!

Nessa said...

Now I understand, thanks.

Kurt said...

America is not "user friendly," as they say.

VE said...

mr. fabulous - Welcome. Well, I am in the Pacific NW; land of Starbucks every block and brewpubs every other. Double score!

nessa - Excellent!

kurt - That's why we should all move to Mongolia; lots of land there to sub-develop...

Diesel said...

We have canals in CA. But Splasher says we can't swim in them, the bastard.

Jenny! said...

Itally sounds wonderful! America sounds like crap!

Jenny! said...

Although...if you drink enough wine...you could pretend your in Italy!

VE said...

diesel - Does Splasher condone Wake boarding in the canals?

jenny - With enough wine, ANYWHERE will feel like Italy...I think...but I can't remember and now I have a splitting headache.

Jeff said...

Ok, you got me. But in my defense, the Home Depot guy ASSURED me my car could handle it.

Camille Alexa said...

You have aspirations of being an American idiot tourist?

And did you realize your dream?

VE said...

camille - Turns out I'm a natural!