Monday, November 12, 2007

Global Warming and Hard Nipples

Ok, part two in the improv festival here at Fantastical Nonsense. You can still join in on the fun. Just leave me a comment with a subject you’d like me to humor post about. Here’s what’s still in the queue:
1. Ill fitting women's underwear I have worn and then sold online (serena joy, jeff, scary monster)
2. Marketing fecal murals (kelley)
3. Filling for the writer’s strike: What happened on 24, Heroes, and Lost? (kanrei)

But for now, here’s uncivil’s request – Global Warming and Hard Nipples

I’m worried. This whole global warming thing has really taken drastic turns. Sure, there’s the upside in that I’ve got a wonderfully sunny timeshare overlooking the beach in Greenland. Baseball season can now last almost the entire year; but is that a good thing? We’ll be celebrating the 7th month stretch, not the 7th inning. But I digress…

What’s really at concern is a growing problem related to hard nipples. That’s right, while it might be fun to make the “a tit bit nipply out isn’t it?” jokes, the sad fact is that naturally hard nipples are becoming extinct thanks to global warming.

Sure, Olga the former East German swimming star now turned body builder can still punch her name into a board with her nipples. But she’s an exception and thanks to steroids, they are always that hard!

What’s all the fuss? As nipples grow softer and without extension, the ability for moms to breast feed is diminishing. If we do not curtail this phenomenon soon, all babies will have to be fed with formula. This will spiral into them becoming an evil monopoly and wearing strange white plastic uniforms and calling their CEO Darth and such. It will take a band of rebels to….but I digress.
Being a guy, I’m not entirely sure what about how all these hard nipple mechanics work in the first place. How can nipples get excited about breast feeding? If I were a woman, that wouldn’t sound exciting to me. Of course, then if there is no excitement, why have hard protruding nipples in the first place? I mean guys don’t have hard protruding erections while getting a tax audit. Isn’t there some consistency here? And I’m not even going to talk about male nipples; that’s just wrong! Obviously it is a human biological oversight that they have no purpose. Sort of like a brail manual for your new binoculars. Weird! But I digress…

But there is hope. Through our new group “Soft Nipple Action Program” (SNAP) there has been a variety of new developments to counteract this problem. One of the most exciting is the women’s version of Viagra. Initially called Wiagra, the product is getting its FDA approval next month under the name Niagra (Nipple Viagra). Warning though…if you experience hard nipples for any duration longer than 5 hours and are not a former Eastern block swimmer on steroids, please consult a physician immediately.


justacoolcat said...

Titillating solution.

Camille Alexa said...

I couldn't even get past your title.

Anonymous said...

ryc: You know, my getting parachute pants isn't such a bad idea. I could also follow Allison's advice and change my name to Kev.C. Hammer.

I've always said I was Too Legit to Quit, and this way I'd be able to back it up.

Uncivil said...

Woooo Hoooo, I can't wait till tomorrow. "Ill fitting women's underwear". I hope you don't wear a bra that chaffes your nipples!

Schmoop said...

HA...Very Good. I like the way you keep abreast of the world's problems. Cheers!!

Carla said...

Titillating, indeed. The nipple graphic illustrated the issue perfectly. Can't wait to see the next story.

Nessa said...

Global warming is ruining everything. I need an electric car.

Can you write about UFO's (Unusual Feminine Objects)?

Serena said...

We don't need that Niagra stuff here in the Virginia mountains in the winter. Nature kind of takes care of the situation, if you know what I mean.:)

I'm looking forward to seeing your take on the problem of poorly fitting undies.

Ed said...

justacoolcat - Good one

camille - It's probably better that way!

kev - And good luck with that! Funny...

uncivil - A lot of pressure on me for the next one, huh?

matt-man - You guys certainly know how to PUNish me

carla - I'm glad the illustration helped. That was the eductional portion of my blog so that I can continue to get government funding

nessa - You got it. I'll add it to the list

sj - Are you saying ill fitted underwear is your problem too? I thought it was just my problem. No pressure here to deliver, huh?

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