Sunday, November 11, 2007

Man Eating Aardvarks

If you missed my Saturday challenge, I was looking for subjects to do humor blogs about; sort of an improv. You're free to add more but I'll be working from first to last. So far, I've got the following...

Matt-man came in first with "Man Eating Aardvarks" and is thus the recipient of today's post.
Uncivil is up next with "Global Warming and Hard Nipples"
Serena Joy, Jeff, and Scary Monster have now created "Ill fitting Women's Underwear I have worn and then sold online"

Wow, you guys can pick some tough topics. Sheez! Want your own post? Leave a comment. The above three are locked down now. Let's start with Matt-man's...

Man Eating Aardvarks

This just in….

VE investigators have been tracking a disturbing phenomenon that has been plaguing Central and South Africa. Aids? Nope. Ebola? Nope. Famine? Nope. Natural Resource pillage? Nope. Overzealous wooden giraffe sellers? Nope. No, the latest epidemic that seems to be plaguing the areas is a horrific case of man eating aardvarks.

VE scientists, hired on the promise of future grant that I’ll claim the Bush Administration cut, came back with the following report. “The rumors are true. Like the Sasquatch of Europe or the Big Foot of the USA, there have been reports of oversized aardvarks in Africa for years, but there was no conclusive evidence to substantiate them. Oh sure…a college kid would throw on a big snout every few years. But that was it.”

That was it until this year when they began appearing like maggots from rancid meat, like roaches from the trailer court, like…well, you get the picture. “At first they seemed alarming with their size but still cute.” We were calling one of them Big Arthur after the kids show. It was a lot of fun.

Fun until in a real live version of the movie Gremlins, they turned evil and began their attack on human beings. “It was ok when they were eating the other animals. Disturbing, but ok.” recounts one local that survived.

This amazing shot of an elite runner in Africa being attacked by a huge aardvark was taken under great peril.


Here we see another blood thirsty aardvark finishing his evening snack.

The battle has begun though and it has taken the form of some unlikely ideas. One of the more intriguing battle strategies is the hiring of Barry Bonds. “We’ve got Barry doing double and triple doses of steroids and since the aardvark’s noses are very similar to that of a bat, Barry is quite effective at swinging them around and disposing of them.”

But the latest victory seems to come from the science community. In a bizarre twist, they have been feeding one of the aardvarks recalled toys from China. It appears that the toxics in the toys have actually had a docile effect on the aardvark. He's now quite playful as we see in this photo

These oversized creatures would make great circus exhibits" chimes in one greedy opportunist, "Hopefully we can turn them all into these docile spectacles and make a nice profit and end this horrific turn of events” Well, whatever happens, you heard it here first...

17 comments:

Scary Monster said...

Iffin ya got aardvark trouble then ya gots ta call the Pink Panther.

STOMP?

Kelley said...

Yep. You are certifiably insane. With fabulous grammar.

Lovin' it.

Matt-Man said...

Has National Geographic contacted you yet? If they haven't, it's only because you didnt have any naked natives in the background. I was riveted. Cheers!!

Jeff said...

Oh god, I can't wait to see what you dream up for our post. How does that go again?...

Oh yeah, be careful what you ask for?

Uncivil said...

Standing ovation! Amazing!

As for mine,
I was thinking along the lines of the warmed up globes that the nipples were attached too! And if you took it in the weather direction, I guess it would make more sense for cold weather to make the nipples hard?
I really don't know what I was thinking, cause I still haven't gotten over Bottleblondes nippley post? That was my inspiration!

Shawna said...

I may have to come back and give you something, all my creative juices were used over the weekend when I actually posted 2 blogs in as many days! Yay for me!

Kanrei said...

Cute.

I posted an idea btw. I can't believe I missed the open forum. I hope I'm not late.

Jesus Budda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jesus Budda said...

The double "A's" in aardvaark are realted to it's alchoholism and it's fondness for flying American Airlines.
You do know that one of the 9/11 terrorists was an aardvaark, don't you? Yes, it's true. I have pictures.

Lick me,
Jesus Budda

PS: hi, VE

Kurt said...

The aardvark with the foot sticking out of his mouth is funny.

Serena Joy said...

I barely knew what an aardvark was before your expose. Now I'm scared. As if man-eating bacteria, terrorists, and pissed off teenagers with guns weren't scary enough, now I have to be on the lookout for starving mutant aardvarks.:)

VE said...

sm - Real men don't do pink! But I like the cartoon and movies...

kelley - Yep, the internet is weird and I greet everyone at the door!

matt-man - I know, I know. Naked natives would have been good but it would have violated National Geographic's copyrite for naked natives in a electronic medium feature. I didn't want to get sued.

jeff - Oh don't worry. I will be WRONG! VERY WRONG!!

uncivil - Thanks. Now you know that VE will have his own bizarre view of your topic!

shawna - My God, two posts in a row? That's IS weirder than these topics...

kan - Cute? Cute??? Kittens riding tricycles are cute. Way to slap me down!!!

jb - I suspected the 911 connection but just couldn't prove it. Unfortunately all the aardvark DNA got destroyed and/or mixed up with Tour de France doping tests

kurt - Thanks. It was my favorite photo too. It just looks so tasty I don't think it needs Heinz 57, do you?

VE said...

sj - You can't hide inside; that lethal black mold will get you...

justacoolcat said...

Damn Aardvarks. Devouring men now?I blame my aunt.

VE said...

justacoolcat - Your aunt is breeding mutant aardvarks? Damn her!

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