Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Marketing Fecal Murals

Ok, part four in the improv festival here at Fantastical Nonsense. I must admit all of these have been a challenge and they’re not getting any easier.

Here’s what’s still in the queue:
1. Filling in for the writer’s strike: What happened on 24, Heroes, and Lost? (kanrei)
2. UFOs (Unusual Feminine Objects) (nessa)

But for now, here’s Kelley’s request “Marketing Fecal Murals

A quick look at the goings on at the Fourth Fecal Festival in Fargo (the 4F consortium)

As we sit in the back of the jam packed session on “Up Shit Creek with Lots of Murals” it occurs to us; ANYTHING can be bought and sold!

We hear the speaker….

“Welcome to my 927 step plan toward marketing fecal murals. Not only will you hear tips and strategies for effective fecal sales but with this many steps you’ll benefit from a great aerobic workout as well.”

Sure, we learned a lot and had a lot of fun. We avoided the facial mud packs (that wasn’t mud, folks!) they were offering in the lobby. Serving hot chocolate at this place was just a cruel joke by the way. But what could we really share with our readers to help them on their way to fecal sales success…

The hard cold reality is that you will be selling SHIT! Call it what you like; dress it up however you like, you cannot escape the fact that you will be selling a human waste product. There are certain realities you are going to have to address. Don’t even get me started on the challenges of international sales and customs declararation…

No, you will have to go down either two paths: deception or reality


Strategy 1: Build an image so big that you can’t help but sell fecal murals through sheer media interest.

First off create, pay, or find a unique and unforgettable logo. You’re going to need this to be successful.

Bad logo:

While it does an accurate portrayal of the poop to art story, note that it’s too complex, uses a trademark logo, and well, looks like a juvenile had fun with clip art and photo shop.

Better logo:Simple, easily recognizable.

Then, what you do is take your fecal murals (these should be reasonably small murals) and start leaving them in museums and art shops and restaurants. You know, sneak in with them and put them on display without anyone seeing. Leave a simple business card with your new logo. Eventually people will notice, the news will get a hold of it, it’ll get on all the blogs and sent around in email and you’ll have instant brand recognition. All you have to do is set up the selling structure to order. Of course if you get caught, the couple of years in jail will be worth it for the money and recognition you gain.

Notice how I’ve placed my fecal mural inconspicuously in this museum to achieve maximum eye traffic…
Strategy 2: Out and out lie.

Sell them as “thick brown paint” finger paintings done by homeless children in war ravaged African villages and that a percentage of the proceeds go toward restoring their village. Ok, bad. Very, very bad thing to do but hey, this is sales!!! Anyway, you get the idea…


Ok, face the facts. You are selling shit! But that doesn’t have to be a negative. Turn it into a positive. You just need to find the right audience. You need to think to yourself:

“If I were a mural made of shit, where would I most likely be displayed and by whom?”

I can think of a few options right away:

1. Revenge. There’s a great business in revenge (just watch Princess Bride). Look at the start up companies that are happily taking your money to send dog shit in a bag to your least favorite people on Earth. Why not push into their market. Disguised as cute art pieces, they purchase fecal murals and have them sent to their boss, their ex, or some other loveable person they feel needs to have a fecal mural on display without them realizing it.

2. The Fetish and the Weird. Hidden in the underground of the porn industry is a bizarre group of individuals obsessed with feces (or so I'm told). Sell it to them! Think of all the non-comformists and trend starving teens and twenty year olds that would probably turn this into the next anti-establishment fad (meanwhile you rake in the profits)!

I mean, really, do you think you can’t convince this person that fecal murals are totally it!!

Yes, it’s a fecal world out there and you can be the one profiting!


Serena said...

I have only one thing to say: Eee-yewww! Yuck! Ugh! Pee-yewww! Gross! Merde! Okay, so I had six things to say. Merde!

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Once again, proudly living up to your blog's name. And yet one more reason I stop by everyday.

I think I may need help.

Uncivil said...

Are you shitting me???????

Anonymous said...

Ah, come on. Give the guy/gal a break. Who amongst us didn't go through a "pierce my entire head" phase in college??

(But yes, you could totally convince that person to purchase a fecal mural.)

Kurt said...

I didn't know Star Trek was full of so much wisdom!

Nessa said...

Very funny shit.

I always knew modern art stank.

Anonymous said...

Lets start a movement.....

That was brilliant. Sorry I wasn't clear but I was serious, I need to find a way of paying for all the bleach I need to clean the actual fecal murals off the walls. So now I will just cover the house with artist canvas, hide the toilet paper and make my first million!

Thanks VE, I will remember you in my memoirs 'A shit load of cash'.

Scary Monster said...

Where is Dirty Sanchez when ya need him??? Snacking out on Juanita's bean dip.


Ed said...

sj - I never said it would be pretty...

jeff - Well don't ask me, I need more help than you...

uncivil - I gonna have to; I need the mural material...

kev - Yeah, that was an awkward phase...

kurt - Star Trek is da bomb!

nessa - art is as art does...and I never even met Art

kelley - Nice book title. I hope I get a signed copy

sm - Not an attractive image...