Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Whisperers

I know, you’ve heard of the horse whisperer. Perhaps you even tried to see the Robert Redford movie but had to turn it off because you got freaked out either by the horrific horse accident at the beginning or by the horror of how Redford’s face has aged and his hair has not. I know; that would freak anyone out.


You’ve also probably heard of the dog whisperer too. He deals with those poor pets that have picked up on their owner’s neurotic behaviors or have been subject to too much reality TV and picked up a neurosis of their own.

VE thinks we should expand on the whole whisperer phenomenon. I mean, whisperers are good! You can even whisper at the library for crying out loud!

I can see two distinct real world (forget about that nonsense Ghost one on TV) additions:

1. Kid Whisperers.

Johnny acting up because you won’t buy him the $500 18,374 piece Star Wars Lego set that when constructed creates an entire universe that you can live in?

Is he rolling around the toy department floor pitching a fit and screaming?

Time to call the kid whisperers. Using our 1-800-SED-ATES phone number, a kid whisperer can be on the scene in less than 3 minutes.

Our staff is trained to provide empathy and trust in getting to resolve your child’s conflict on the spot. Using devious psychology tricks and equipped with an emergency back up dart system, you child will be on the way to a quieter and calmer path.

Don't believe it could be so bad you don't need whisperer help? Then watch this!

“But VE, my children are teens; they’re wild, evil, and incomprehensible. How can you help deal with them?” you ask.

Yes, we even offer teen services. Our whisperers are put into public school systems to get hands on training in social pecking orders, angst, boredom and lethargicism. They learn to speak teen lingo and can even relate to RAP and Hip Hop music. They employ alluring persuasion techniques designed to turn your teen into that Father Knows Best model child that enjoys conversing with his/her parents and likes to clean their room. As a bonus, the parents get to keep all of the leather restraining devices we may have to deploy in our progress change.

2. Employee Whisperers.

Do you have slacker employees that surf the internet all day and then complain about how much work they have?

Do you have hostile employees that bite your head off at the inkling of a request to do something?

If so, then you need an employee whisperer. For larger businesses we offer an entire department set up.

Bad hecklers in the quarterly meeting? Imagine how much easier it would be to do your staff’s annual reviews with a whisperer convincing them they should be overjoyed for their measly 1% bonus. Then you could spring that 50% reduction in their bonus just so you’re department would look good for the year without having a riot.

7 comments:

ADW said...

I am the cock whisperer.

iamnot said...

um...I can hear adw from here.
Amazing.

I was just going to say something about kids...but I seem to have lost my thought of train.

VE said...

adw - Oh sure...way to distract the attention of all my male would be commenters!

iamnot - I hear you on that!

GC said...

I need a boss whisperer so I can leave early on fridays and get my hair done

Serena Joy said...

I like the idea of whisperers. I wish more people would whisper. Meanwhile, can you work on household whisperers? More specifically, spouse whisperers? To, you know, whisper subliminal suggestions to unruly spouses? I'm sure a lot of people would appreciate it.:)

VE said...

gc - Welcome. That would be a good idea. I could use a boss whisperer too.

sj - Careful though. Spouse whisperers can go both ways! Somebody might whisper in your ear...

Serena Joy said...

Oh, I'm not worried. They'd be whispering in my ear, "Lawyer up!":-)