Friday, January 18, 2008

Death Diet

Are you overweight?

Would you like to be the lightest you can possibly be in the fastest time you can possibly get there?

Well thanks to our patented Death Diet, you too can achieve your weight loss goals.

Yes, the problem with most other radical diets is that while they remove the stubborn belly fat that isn’t your fault, there are still internal organs, muscle, and skin that weigh you down.

“Muscle is quite heavy actually” quotes our 15 year old quack doctor.

Sure, you can use age old techniques of bulimia and anorexia but these take time and they still don’t address all the internal organ weight. That’s gonna be around to hold you down!

But thanks to our technique, in a matter of days you can look like this:

“I lost all my weight on the Death Diet…and I didn’t even have to give up smoking!”

That’s right folks, act now and we’ll send you a number of our favorite recipes.

Frog Legs. These frogs are so lethally potent you’ll experience the weight loss faster than you can say “rigor mortis”

Chicken and Night Shade Salad. For those of you that prefer a lighter meal, our night shade salad should do the trick. Act now and we’ll even through in some Hemlock to add to the salad!

Don’t have time for a meal? Try our sulfuric acid tea. It’s quite wholesome!

Are you a snacker? Don’t worry, we’ve got chocolate! Our chocolate covered black widows are just the right combination of poison and sweet.

Yes, think how light you’ll feel as a skeleton out on the track. No more muscle pulls. No more beer gut. No more anything! No diet in the world can provide as much weight loss. And finally…a diet where your weight loss won’t vary! It’s the same for everyone.

(Those of you that have never taken calcium supplements will experience better results through loss of skeleton mass..and with any death diet, ask your mortician before proceeding).


Nessa said...

And it sounds so simple: no calories to count, no brutal exercising.

Serena said...

No fuss, no muss. I like that. Of course, I guess we'll all be on the Death Diet sooner or later.:)

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Couples can do it together, you know, after death does them apart.

Kurt said...

I weigh 190 lbs.

Anonymous said...

Damn! I'm suddenly hungry for pie!

Carla said...

Why didn't someone come up with this sooner? I just don't get it.

Anonymous said...

Then there is the 'Bitter Almond Torte' diet that I am trying to convince my well off rellies to try. After I have helped them rewrite their wills of course....

Schmoop said...

I drink nuclear haevy water with a couple of grape fizzies. Dee-Lish. Cheers!!

Ed said...

nessa - That's why its so popular

sj - Except me; my resolution is to live forever

jeff - You need something to spice it up once in awhile

kurt - Well good...we can drop that by about 170...

pp - Pie is on the program; it's yummy with battery acid...adds that special burn!

carla - You're just dieing to try it, aren't you?

kelley - Good for you; we'll make you our top salesman

matt-man - Sounds yummy!

Mother Theresa said...

We used to find black widow spiders all the time in California, but I never would have thought of using them as a diet aid. ;)

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