Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Extreme Bachelor Pad

Welcome to the New Year. Hope you had a fantastical New Year. Let's get on with the show:

I don’t know if they’ve done it; but Extreme Homes needs to do the ultimate bachelor pad. Here are some suggestions:

Built-in Keg storage unit. This should easily accessible so the local microbrewery can simply swing by periodically and fill it up just like they do with gas at the stations. You don’t even need to do a beer run! Then, you should run that straight into the fridge so you can get beer right on the outside of the fridge. Also, a tap out on the patio is mandatory.

Convert the Living Room to a media room. That front window? Forget about it; real men don’t look out the window. Wall it in so you can put a mega HD projection screen right there on the wall. Arrange the Easyboy chairs and then plumb the room so that the keg has a tap at every chair.

Built-in Barbecue grill. That’s right, not just the mega one outside, but put one right there in the kitchen. You can remove the stove; there’s nothing you need that for. Instead, just switch to 5 inch high oven; big enough to slide two large pizzas into.

Guy toilets. These should have seats that automatically spring up. I mean come on. Guys know that the seat should not automatically be down; we could accidentally pee all over the place! No, these you have to sit on in order for them to stay down.

Poker Room. Forget the dining room table and china furniture. Replace it with a full size poker table and then buy a fold out ping pong top for it in case you want to host beer pong.

Batman Pole. You’ve got to have one of these because:
It’s cool and fun
Provides great entertainment for all your lady friends ;)
Friends you’re not friends with anymore?…oops…they just slipped…

Urinals abound. They’re just convenient; have one in every room!

Hot Tub. Remove the bath tub. Real men don’t use those. What a waste of space. Instead, put in a hot tub that you can push a button and have it automatically roll inside or outside to the deck through a special resealing wall. They are more fun and function like a bath anyway.

Backyard. Real men don’t want to do yard work. Cement in the entire thing so that you can skateboard and ride dirt bikes around it.

Central Gaming. Remember the central vacuum? You know, the concept - pipe the whole house so you can plug in your vacuum hose anywhere. But real men don't do vacuuming either. Let's convert this to a universal gaming system. All the possible game consoles out there are centrally located and then you just have wireless ports and a universal gaming device so you can play any game anywhere! Of course, all the walls will be LCD screens....


Unknown said...

I love it! It sounds like where I already live without the wheels, but I love it.

On a sort of related note, why do women insist on the seat being down on the toilet, but they get pissed when you also put the lid down. The way I see it if I have to lift to pee, so should they. Equal rights suck, huh?

Kurt said...

I'd rather have a model train that runs from room to room than the gaming stuff. I'm old school like that.

Serena said...

Holy crap! Can I get a ride in that thing? I don't want to see the urinals or the keg unit or the poker room, though I wouldn't mind playing with the bat pole. Mainly, though, I just want to be driven around in that amazing contraption.:)

justacoolcat said...

Don't forget the music! The place would need a stereo to rival a thunder storm.

Memarie Lane said...

I totally agree on the hot tub and the Batman pole. And with girls around you can use the pole for other stuff too.

robkroese said...

Man, I was so tempted to put a urinal in the addition to my house. You know, for those times when you get up in the middle of the night and you have a... well, anyway, it would be convenient sometimes.

Ed said...

kan - Yes, I suspected this might be your daily pad...

kurt - Trains are fun. Can I blow them up like in Adams Family?

sj - It's hard to do a U-Turn in it though...

justacoolcat - How about I let you DJ? Yes, there will be sound.

marie - You mean that pole has other uses?

diesel - You mean you caved in based on good taste and Mrs. Diesel? Doh!

Schmoop said...

Where can I buy one? When I was married I used to love doing yard work. I made sure it took me seven hours to mow the grass. Kept me from the "we need to talk" situations. Cheers!!

Ed said...

matt-man - 8 hours mowing the lawn? Wow! Of course, that had better be one damn nice landscape job to cover up your real intent!

Camille Alexa said...

Whee! I want one! That thing looks ready for the apocalypse.

Ed said...

camille - I'm always ready for the apocalypse...I have reservations.

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David Oylear said...

I would love to drive it around town...