Thursday, January 24, 2008

Parenting Teens the VE Way

Now that I have a daughter that is officially a teenager; it’s time to upgrade the old parental toolkit.

The trouble with teenagers is that they are aliens. Sure, secret scientific studies have been suppressed for years showing that your offspring are actually abducted and replaced with these lookalikes and then every oddity is attributed to being a “teenager”.

Look at the signs:

- Inability to communicate except with their own species
- Constant eye rolling
- Not tolerant to early morning hours
- Junk food diet

Alien, alien, alien

Of course, the way the deal works is that you have to love and protect your alien replacement just as much as your actual offspring or the exchange back is null and void. And these alien creatures are not going to make it easy for you.

They are going to want to go to parties, cruise around with their friends, even date! God, what has gotten into these aliens? Isn’t some popcorn and a nice Disney movie at home good enough anymore? Who wouldn’t WANT to make their rooms all neat and tidy and then play a rousing game of Life with the family?

So the reality is that you are going to eventually have to let them out on their own to prepare for that time when you kick them out, sell the home, buy the RV and travel on their inheritance.

Sure, cell phones are a good way of keeping track of your alien teenage children but what about those darn no coverage areas? What about dead batteries? What about the reality that they’ll probably ignore your call if they’re doing something they aren’t supposed to?

But fear not, thanks to technology, you can keep track of them using the VE patented TEEN-PORTA-CAM.

That’s right, simply stick this convenient wireless camera to your teen’s heads and you’ll have 24/7 security in knowing exactly what they’re doing.

Here we can see a couple of teens enjoying a safe walk home from school. Note the relaxed expressions on their faces secure in the knowledge that Dad is safely watching over them.

Got a test question they need help on? No, no, no, that would be cheating. All Teen-Porta-Cams come equipped with state of the art moral/ethic logic databases to prohibit unethical uses of said device.

Look how happy these teens are with their Teen-Porta-Cams!

Order now and we’ll throw in the TEEN-CAR-GOVERNOR for free. That’s right, you can ensure your teens don’t drive over 40mph EVER!

20 comments:

Kanrei said...

I got scared and could not finish this post so I will have to come back later.

What scared me? YOu have a daughter?!

VE said...

kan - Yes, it's true...VE is breeding...and you thought global warming was the biggest problem out there...

Jeff said...

Can I get a bulk discount if I order 3?

VE said...

Jeff - Sure, we'll even throw in the "fake refrigerator shelf" screen where you can hide stuff you want to eat before they do.

Nessa said...

I wish I had this when my daughter was a teen. I relied on physical spying.

GC said...

my only problem is how funny this device would be to teens who think phallic jokes are sophisticated

Shawna said...

The "suction device" is the best part.
My advice? Remember, you were a teenager once yourself. You were a pain in the ass too...

Kanrei said...

No past tense needed. I am pretty sure VE is still a PITA*.



*PITA=Pain In The Ass

VE said...

nessa - Physical spying is still a good exercise program...

gc - You have a point there! But everything is subject to a phallic joke at that age so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

shawna - I think not, I was model and pillar to my community and genration. Wait...maybe I was modelling to buy some pills...nevermind.

kan - Hah! Takes one to know one buddy!

Kurt said...

That last photo is a classic.

VE said...

kurt - I think my boss is dumb enough to wear one too if I tell him it'll help him climb the corporate ladder.

Serena Joy said...

Dang, why couldn't they have had the Teen-Porta-Cam when I was raising my teenage alien? I'd have paid big bucks for one of those.:)

justacoolcat said...

Stylish and totally impractical, I wouldn't be suprised to see teens buying multiples so they could post multiple angles to Facebook.

VE said...

sj - Technology is always making life easier...unless its making it more confusing

justacoolcat - Teens love impracticality!

Theresa said...

I think I'm going to need one of those...can I buy it on Amazon?

Uncivil said...

VE
And she can get you one of these to wear on your leg!
http://www.prankplace.com/dog.htm

or just google
HUMPHREY THE HUMPING DOG

Maureen said...

I'll take one please....plus one of those fake fridge shelves.

Thank you.

BrentD said...

I'll take a three pack.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Excellent idea - I cannot wait to give my daughter hers! Do they come in different colors?

Queen Goob said...

That CRACKED me up! Daughters are frightening creatures....I got spayed once I threw my first girl-child. Take a look at my "Why Irish Mommies Drink Heavily On St. Paddy's Day" blog; you'll probably appreciate.