Thursday, January 10, 2008

Potty Talk

What is the problem with technology in the area of bathrooms? If you are not a guy, you probably cannot relate to the typical public restroom layout but here’s a basic graphic to help you understand:
That’s right, designers of men’s restrooms must have had some voyeur sense of humor because they ALWAYS put the urinals in a direct viewing line with the opening of the restroom door.

Worse case scenario? One time in a Dairy Queen, I went to use the restroom for the sit down need and low and behold the door opened wide to reveal a single toilet straight across with no stall around it and no lock on the door. Right! I think Guantanamo detainees had the same set up…

Another thing about bathrooms; what’s up with these new building code rules that they have to put in energy saving toilets? Do you know what this really means? It means that you will have to flush the toilet three time in the hopes that you either won’t clog it (the proactive approach) or that you’ll get it all down (the reactive approach). In either case, you’ll probably still have to end up using the plunger. Do you really think three to five flushes from a “water saving” toilet is less than one flush from the older models? New houses with these toilets should just install a plunger in each bathroom…you’ll need them!

I think a new design is in order. Forget just using the flusher lever. First, there should be a setting that controls the amount of water you cycle through based on the circumstances. You know, sort of like the Norad warning levels

Level one (green): You only peed
Level two (yellow): You poo’d but it was one of those round ones that looks like Milk duds
Level three (orange): You had a nice solid tapered poo…good for you
Level four (red): You ate an entire cow the day before and are now dealing with the after effects

Ever noticed that they place those stupid motion sensitive paper towel extractor machines right where you walk by to get in and out? That’s right, twelve miles of unused paper towels are hanging there because of the bathroom traffic. Boy, that’s an improvement.

Ok, I guess it would actually be an improvement on those old cloth towel machines that were basically just one large loop of material that really just went around and around. Given that they really didn’t clean them much, you can imagine how much bacteria those devices held? That was probably the real cause of the black plague…


Also, when in a public restroom in the stall, make damn sure it isn’t one with nice shiny waxy floors like the one I have at work. You’ll inevitably be sitting there when somebody goes into the stall next to you and suddenly to your horror that nice shiny floor acts like a mirror and you both have an awkward angle of view into each other’s stall. I recommend pulling the fire alarm as a distraction and going behind the bushes instead…

15 comments:

Nessa said...

I like your color coded system. That actually makes loads (yeah I said it) of sense.

iamnot said...

In many restaurants, I’ve just started pissing under the table. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but they mostly throw you out before you get a chance to pay the bill.

Bonus!

VE said...

nessa - Hah! Good one...

iamnot - That's a good plan...until you run out of restaurants that is. Here in Portland, that might not be possible though.

Anne said...

i've seen lo/hi flush toilets in europe, I don't know why the us doesn't have them too.
there's a rocker-type lever on the top, one side flushes "green" water and the other side flushes "orange."

VE said...

I hadn't seen those in Europe. I guess all the times I've been there I was doing what the other Europeans do; pee along the roadside...

Kurt said...

That diagram is a classic.

Speaking as a former bathroom cleaner, I can guarantee you that those cloth towels go from one roll to another and are then replaced.

justacoolcat said...

I am so glad I have the older toilets in my house.

As for public restaurants, I should take a picture of one restaurant around here for you. The wall of 10 stalls has a window in front of the urinal and on the other side it's a hall to the girls bathroom.

So as you're relieving yourself the ladies walking by can look into your eyes.

BottleBlonde said...

I'd be horrified if the chick in the next stall could see my vaginer from its reflection on the shiny floor. Now I'm going to make sure I wee solely in bathrooms with dirty floors.

Serena Joy said...

All in all, I hate public restrooms, but I'm proud to say I've never seen a urinal up close and personal. Color coding -- great idea!

VE said...

kurt - Perhaps, but just the thought of it gives me the willies

justacoolcat - That sounds crazy! Might have trouble going...

bottleblonde - You'd let me peek though, right? Wait...why would I be in the stall next to you..that would mean I went into THE WRONG BATHROOM...aaaaaaahhhh

VE said...

sj - There's not much to a urinal...no need to worry.

Jeff said...

I love the fact that they put all these hygiene mechanisms in place such as automatic flush, sinks and towels - but then you have to pull on the bacteria infested door handle to get out. D'oh!

Kelley said...

Well my dear VE you already know how I feel about public 'rest' rooms.

But here is another one for you. Why do the doors to restrooms open IN. No freaking point in washing your hands if you have to touch the fecal contaminated handle to get out! If the doors opened out you would kill two birds with one stone, not as many voyeurs and no fecal matter with your dinner.

VE said...

jeff/kelley - Sounds like you both have "touching the door" syndrome. As your doctor about medication to relieve that symptom. Side effect may cause restless leg syndrome and random urges to shop online...

Carla said...

A pox on all public washrooms. I avoid them like the plague.

Oh, and if you missed the hi/low flush toilets in Europe, it was probably because it costs so friggin much to use public restrooms there (that's the real reason everyone's peeing alongside the road.