Monday, February 18, 2008

The Academy Awards

The Academy Awards….I watch it every year. I’m doing the definitive work on acceptance speeches. My bubblegum card series will also be out this year.

It allows me to dazzle you with facts that nobody else has:

817,336 “thank yous”’ have been said in the history of the award show

Joan Rivers has attended every award show since it’s inception in 1929.

Winners have worn 47 different “cause” buttons/pins/accessories

Pete Rose gambled on the outcomes of the winners but claims his innocence to this day

127 speeches have been considered nearly too “awkward” to watch

Roger Clemens “didn’t” take steroids in the 28th row during the 1992 ceremony

The ceremony was considerably shorter during the silent film era; the actors having no lines to say.

The streaker during the the 1974 ceremony was actually a much younger Bill Clinton

Anyway, with the Writers Strike over, it looks like the show will go on as usual. Of course, they are way behind on writing the introduction speeches and hosting jokes for it. I’ve submitted a couple of mine to help them out:

"During the technical awards ceremony, held far away from the real stars and in some nerd pleasing hotel, Best Photoshop Editing went to the team from Roadkill Electrogeeks and their work making Robert Redford’s face recognizable behind the wrinkles. "

“Oceans Thirteen”, like its prequels earlier, won in the category “Movies with actors that will make People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year Award.” barely edging “The Bucket List”

Of course, though I will enjoy this year’s show, it’s just a tragic shame they didn’t nominate these movies:

Best Picture:

Blades of Glory. Come on, a satire comedy about men ice skating? How could they have missed that one? The drama is heavy and sincere...

The Itty Bitty Titty Committee. “Itty Bitty Titty Committee is a rockin love song to the heady rush of sex, freedom and rebellion that happens when an everyday girl discovers her own strength and the righteous indignation needed to take action and change the world.”

Damn, what’s not exciting about that??

Best Actor:


Robin Williams for his role in “License to Wed”. Come on now, Robin is SOOO convincing in this movie. It’s one for the ages. I see Robin following the path to greatness with recent movies like “RV” and “Man of the Year”. I can’t wait for him to team up with Cuba Gooding to start in “Daddy Day Care Camp III” Awesome!

24 comments:

Theresa said...

You're making those films up, right? Tell me they're not real.

VE said...

theresa - Sadly, they are real.

RED MOJO said...

Seriously, those movies aren't up for best in their catagories? Who are these "academy" guys?!

VE said...

red mojo - I know, I know. I only watch to mock their snobbishness and laugh at their over dramatic award choices. Ok, maybe I tear up when they show all those that have passed on from last year...

Jeff said...

I can't believe Nicholson didn't win for Easy Rider. You mean to tell me the Academy didn't recognize a bike-ridin, pot-smokin lunatic as Oscar material?

VE said...

jeff - I know, I know. They had to wait until he played a lunatic 6 years later in One Flew Over the Cuckoos nest. Apparently you can get an Academy playing a lunatic, but not if you're on a bike.

Serena Joy said...

I'll be boycotting the Awards this year and watching a rerun of yours instead. I'm also rehearsing my rejection speech just in case I win anything.

VE said...

sj - Excellent. Rejection speeches are important...

Alan Smithee said...

The Itty Bitty Titty Committee starred the delightful Melonie Diaz (of the upcoming Be Kind Rewind), reason enough to watch it.

Kurt said...

re: BofG: I liked Will Arnett and Amy Poehler as the brother/sister skating team. They were funny.

Marie said...

I still haven't seen Blades of Glory yet. It looks hilarious, but I'm afraid it will turn into either a Zoolander (just plain supid) or a Van Wilder (so disgusting the very name in my mouth makes me run to the bathroom and hurl, which has nothing at all to do with being pregnant).

VE said...

alan - Is that Cameron's sister?

kurt - It looked funny; I've seen snippets while on a plane before

marie - What are you saying, Van Wilder got you pregnant? You got pregnant while watching Van Wilder? Hurling is an Olympic sport? I'm so confused. Zoolander did head down the too stupid road though, I'll give you that

Serena Joy said...

Oh, yes, I think protests, declining tacky gold statues, and rejection speeches are de rigueur for the Awards show. You don't have to lay out thousands for a dress, either.:)

NYD said...

It takes the academy years to recognize greatness. Then after everyone else realizes just how good an actor or actress is; they finally decide to give them the award.

Same for the Grammy's A couple of years ago Brian Wilson, (the Beach Boys)after more than a decade of hits, he got one for a shitty little acoustical number.

VE said...

sj - That would be an interesting show...watching people reject their awards and make statements on why they didn't show up...

nyd - Yeah, they failed to recognize Hitchcock with a directors award if you can believe it.

Barry Nong said...

Why is it that these awards always look like they could be easily inserted?

Matt-Man said...

I know she is young, but I think a Lifetime Achievement Oscar is long overdue for Paris Hilton.

Her work in the Carl Jrs. Hamburger Ad was a stroke of genius. Cheers!!

VE said...

barry - Wow, I never thought about it that way. Good point...or should I say smooth point.

matt-man - I think so...and maybe a Tony for that off-broadway slutty thing she's doing on Vegas right now...

Diesel said...

We were watching Zathura with the kids yesterday and at one point I said, "If they pick up one of those cards and Robin Williams shows up," I'm outta here.

VE said...

diesel - That's weird...we were doing the same thing on Saturday. Occasionally they sedate Robin, have him grow a beard and he'll do a good movie...like Goodwill Hunting.

GC said...

omg
Cuba Gooding Jr.
wow
could you have found a Samuel L. Jackson movie to squeeze in? He's always good for a shockingly bad choice of script.

VE said...

gc - Yeah, throw them all in together...maybe they could revive the Police Academy series...

Theresa said...

Funny, we saw Zathura a couple of weeks ago and said the same thing Diesel did.

VE said...

theresa - You did? You started a comedy publication? ;)