Thursday, February 21, 2008

Health Club Blues

Call it whatever you like: Health Club, Athletic Center, Gym or Spa. No matter what you choose, the fact remains that these are goofy places and great blog fodder.

Now VE has been there. He’s seen that Stair Master with its endless stairs that go nowhere. He opted for the Elevator Master instead…but alas, they haven’t done that one yet. Just the term ‘stair master’ confuses him. He thought it was for those that could check out the hot bodies without getting caught.

He checked out the treadmill with its endless walking that gets you nowhere. The Club Enforcement Officer (CEO) didn’t think kindly when he strapped the water ski rope to the front and got on with his roller blades and cranked it to full speed…

He saw the spinning cycles but couldn’t find a place for the clothespin and playing card so it didn’t seem much fun.

He took great joy in those machines that have a + or a – to increase the weight of each rep right from your fingertips. He liked to do 20 curls with only 3 pounds and then just before he got off he upped the weight to 180 pounds so the next guy could clearly see how buff and strong he was. He could laugh at their inferiority as they had to set the weight back down to something more mortal.

They wouldn’t let him stay on the indoor basketball court with his circus bounce boots because apparently there was no sitting on the basketball rims nor was it allowed to jump over people…

They didn’t like his motorized self winding machine he attached to the indoor rock gym ropes so he could climb the hardest routes by having it just pull him up while he pretend to strain and groan through one armed pull ups from a hold the size of a nipple.

The CEO suspended his membership for several weeks for filling the squash court with those Chucky Cheese plastic balls and then diving in from the upper observatory.

Apparently there is a limit to the amount of “guests” you can bring in to their outdoor hot tub and hosting unsanctioned “Wild On” parties there violates the membership bylaws in some way. Promoting it as Ladies Night is also apparently a violation of some human resources fairness act they have.

Just where is the fun in fitness?

24 comments:

Kurt said...

My gym only has treadmills and another machine I don't understand, but it's only $99 a year.

ps: It's Chuck E. Cheese. Not sure what the E stands for.

RED MOJO said...

Health clubs do suck! Talk about feeling like a rat on a wheel. Unfortunately, at least here in New England (booo) you do need some kind of exercise euipment, or a club to get you through the never-ending winter without becoming a couch-wad. Think of the fun part as the sex you get to have as a result of looking and feeling good from suffering through it. ;)

VE said...

kurt - I know the E doesn't stand for edible

red mojo - Are you saying I can get sex at the health club if I work out real hard?

Kanrei said...

Now this is just bursting with great ideas. I love "he strapped the water ski rope to the front and got on with his roller blades and cranked it to full speed…" and am thinking if I know anyone with a home tredmill so I can try this.

The 20 reps at 3 pounds is just so...VE as well. Great post!

VE said...

kan - Thanks. Yeah, I thought this was deep in VE waters, wasn't it? Nonsensical crazy uses of ordinary things and done in a juvinille way. What could more VE than that?

Carla said...

Where can I get me one of those elevator masters. That's what I really want.

justacoolcat said...

I have no idea where the fun is in fitness. I use that Stairmaster-to-nowhere 5 times a week and fun is the last thing tht comes to mind.

Kanrei said...

This is so deep in VE waters that the walls of my office are caving in due to the pressure. This is worthy of your "Greatest Hits" wall and a classic example of your work. Bravo and 11 stars!

VE said...

carla - I'll add that to my list of get rich and famous ideas; you can get my first one

justacoolcat - 5 times a week? I'll bet when people suggest to take the stairs you just roll your eyes at them...

kan - Gracias. Now you need to go back to your world domination theme; that one was sooo Kan! I was enjoying that thread.

GC said...

but where can I get a pair of those boots?

Also, my healthclub may have hit an iceberg and sunk. I'm not sure. I haven't been there in a long long time.

VE said...

gc - Sorry, I'm afraid boots are not included. Those damn health clubs...they don't give you anything but sore muscles and a lighter pocketbook.

RED MOJO said...

ve, yes, that is what I mean. You mean you don't have sex when you go to the health club? Huh? I thought everyone did...Oh, there's some blog-bling over at Halfabubbleoff for you.

VE said...

red mojo - I knew my health club was substandard! I hate that...

Serena Joy said...

I'm glad I stay away from gyms and other health bastions. I think I get plenty of elevator exercise.:)

NYD said...

Now if I could find a health club with some of these attractions I might find it worthwhile to go and work up a sweat every now and again.

VE said...

sj - See, that's the advantage of working where there are elevators; it's like a workout already provided!

nyd - They just don't make it enjoyable. Imagine the things I'd put into a gym without liability clauses and order!

Jeff said...

There IS no fun in fitness. Why can't our bodies just leave us alone!!!

Dorky Dad said...

Did you talk about the locker rooms where the old guys walk around naked? I hated that about my gym.

Barry Nong said...

Maybe exremeironing.com is for you

Theresa said...

It's not supposed to be fun. Fun isn't healthy, haven't you heard that? Now, where can I get a pair of those boots?

VE said...

jeff - Yeah, can't they just be self maintaining without all this work?

dorky dad - Now that's a good point. The locker room part could have been a whole separate post

barry - Hah! But it looks dangerious. I once burnt my arm on an iron...I still have the mark

theresa - Is it like going to the dentist then? That's not fun either.

BrentD said...

My invite said it was at the YMCA. No wonder I missed the party. You guys are mean.

VE said...

brentd - Sorry...but we have a great video out on YouTube where you're wandering around the Y trying to find the party. We laughed for hours....

VE said...

brentd - Sorry...but we have a great video out on YouTube where you're wandering around the Y trying to find the party. We laughed for hours....