Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Random Superbowl thoughts

I never watch football. Ok, I used to but I just got out of the habit and it lost any meaning to me long ago. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it if I happen to watch a game though. But seeing as how I have to actually not ski, skate, run, bike, hike, or anything else with these broken ribs then I might as well have it on for the commercials.

While I was secretly rooting for the Packers to storm the stadium, take over, and win the game illegally that just didn’t happen.

Frankly, up until the last 5 minutes the game was a snoozer. Between commercial breaks when the actual game was on I found it more amusing to look at the fiber on the carpet through a high powered microscope. Wow! I should vacuum more often…

Why is that 5 minutes in football equates to about 3 hours in real time? Can’t I get that same concept to apply to other things: vacations, hot tubs, orgasms, you know…stuff like that! Why if I were using ‘football time’ I could run a 5 minute mile and get a nice Scooby nap in as well! Instead, it usually works the other way…meetings that are an hour but feel like 114 hours, stupid commercials that last longer than the programs that are on. The usual…


What’s with this guy named Plaxico? Who names their kid Plaxico? I thought it was some kind of new toothpaste and they’d figured out how to sell their product by changing the actual names of players. Can’t you see it coming?

Here’s the lineup in the future:

Pepsi Peterson – Quarterback
McDonalds Foster – Running back
Donald Doritos – Center
Depends Walker – Wide Reciever

And on and on and on… It’s the latest thing in personalized advertising. Talk about product placement!

But you know, Plaxico is probably a good name to have on a football team. It avoids confusion like when eight of the players are named “John” and the quarterback calls a play to throw to John and everybody runs out for a pass leaving you staring at some big defensemen. Not good. You tell them that the pass will be to Plaxico though and it’ll be no confusion. Crystal clear!

And that virtual first down line they put on the TV; that is awesome. I have a line like that at work that shows my next promotion. The problem is that the line is so far away, the curvature of the Earth prevents me from actually seeing it. Instead, I see a line that is five feet away with a note that says “Objects in view are farther away than they appear.”

I could go on about the commercials but some many others have already. I will say that that E-Trade stock broker baby is doing my taxes this year. Hey, who else will work for a pacifier?
Oh and what about this new Terminator TV show? I’ve heard its actually pretty good. But the problem I have with anything Terminator is that I’m just not sold anymore. I mean come on, how many failures at terminating can somebody have?
These terminators have a worse winning streak than when the Philadelphia Sixers went 9 and 72 for the season. At least THEY won nine times. These terminators, they just keep coming and keep failing. It’s like the old Police Academy!
Sorry Sarah Conner…I WON”T BE BACK.


Schmoop said...

Super Bowl Sunday has lost its meaning. It has become so commercialized.

Hell before you know it, those damn secularists will want us all to star saying, "Happy Last Football Game of the Year".

Calling the game "Super" makes the other sports leagues champioships feel diminshed and left out. Cheers!!

Ed said...

matt-man - Good call out there. Damn elitists and their "super" Sunday! Go Cricket league!!! (that is a sport still, right?)

Dee said...

good one
I hear Plaxico is named after his uncle
I'm guessing it's some great Latin orator or warrior or something

Unknown said...

Broken ribs? What did I miss?

Super Bowl...missed it.

Terminator- one would think that the events of the second one would just repeat in an endless cycle. Bad guys send robot back to kill good guy while good guy is still a kid. Good guy lives so the bad guys decide to send a robot back to kill the good guy while he was young. It makes no sense for them to keep sending new robots back considering they already know they fail based on the fact that the kid does not die, does become the bad guy creating their need to send a robot back to kill the good guy while he was still young...


Ed said...

gc - Taxi driver maybe?

kan - You know, I slipped in Sun Valley and broke three ribs. A little over two weeks later and I still cannot do anything. Healing time is 4-6 weeks. It sucks.

Memarie Lane said...

I'm pretty lucky, I married a man who doesn't care about sports. At some point Sunday he was readign something online and said, "oh, is it Superbowl today?" And then logged into his video game.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

My last name is Lee. Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't sue them for all the years I've been advertising their jeans for free!

Ed said...

marie - I'm the same way...I only had it on for background noise and to see the commercials

jeff - According to my calculations, they owe you $283,042 for a lifetime of advertising. Of course, I could be off a billion either way...

Serena said...

I guess my main concern is whether someone named Plaxico might ever hope to have a hot tub experience. Or an orgasm.:)

Kurt said...

I like the robot girl on the Terminator TV show. She is entertaining in a Seven of Nine way.

Ed said...

sj - Poor Plaxico

kurt - Is she fully functional?

Anonymous said...

What your orgasms don't last 3 hours?

Man, you are doing it all wrong!

American football? I tried to watch it once and it seemed to me it was more like American Stand Around and Smell Each Others Arses....

Jen said...

there's a guy on green bay
named "Atari Bigby"..
that name
beats "Plaxico" any day

Gnomeself Be True said...

Hey, my favorite baseball player name is "Coco Crisp."

Anything is possible.

Ed said...

kelley - Darn, I knew I was doing something wrong! I guess you see American Football in the same way we see Cricket ie "what the hell?!"

jen - Hah! Atari. That's funny. A guy named after a game company and his job is playing a game. Only in America.

iamnot - Seriously? Now that's a cruel name to give your kid...