Saturday, February 09, 2008


I don’t know about you, but if I were rich, I’d wear only new socks. That’s right, screw sustainability; I’ll donate all my used ones to somebody that enjoys selling them in their garage sale but there is nothing greater than wearing a brand new pair of socks.

All right, there are many things greater than that feeling, but narrowed into the “sock pleasure” category, that one takes the cake!

Speaking of socks, who duped us into tube socks anyway? Like THAT was a good idea.

“Hey…you can wear them anyway you want”
Translated from stupid sales pitch babble to real world language:

“They aren’t going to fit any foot comfortably…your heel will stretch the fabric and your upper ankle will have this excess material bubble like you’ve had some sort of third degree sock burn.”

“It keeps them from wearing out in the heels”


“That nasty almost hole you had going in the heel area is now a nasty bubble on top.”

Oh, and let’s not even go to those cutesy socks with individual toes. That is just WRONG people. You don’t see male underwear with separate compartments for each ball do you? That’s because they’re a team! They like to be together. So do the toes! Sure, gloves are ok because I can operate my fingers to do useful things such as pick my nose, sign for a purchase, or eat with chopsticks. You don’t see me doing those things with my toes so I don’t need individual compartments there, thank you.

Then there is the mystery of the sock disappearance. You know, it’s all those single socks you see at the end of your dryer stage of laundry. Where has the other gone? According to VE’s Book of Unconfirmed Statistics, Vol 7 the following chart applies:

As you can see, very few things are more misunderstood. But thanks to technology, VE investigators have been deep under cover, disguised as ordinary socks, and are closing in on this laundry ring of sock thieves. They scored some really good sock contraband with some sock stings they set up, but that is just the tip of the iceberg.

They were last seen in a warehouse in Brazil. It’s taken many tough years to blend in, to infiltrate this ring.

Finally, thanks to technology, we can offer up a new service. For a minimal monthly fee, we’ll tag all your socks with individual GPS locators to help track them. Also, our new Twinkletoes Alert System will report any missing socks in 3 county area; focusing on thriftshops and garage sales.


Kurt said...

I didn't know about individual toe socks. Very nice.

Gnomeself Be True said...

My dog eats socks.
The boys leave them places.

I now charge the boys 50 cents a pair for socks that have to be replaced for any reason other than wear or outgrowing.

Suddenly, they don't disapear so often. Mystery solved.

Memarie Lane said...

I've always wondered why socks come in resealable baggies.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the clarification about tube socks. I had no idea. Why would anyone wear them?

Even the hot chick in 'Teenage Dirtbag' should know better.

And socks with toes? That is just wrong. And uncomfortable. Perhaps made for those freaks that wear socks with thongs (or as you US weirdo's call 'em flip flops)

Serena said...

Socks with toes? Gross! I wonder if my washing machine would eat those. It tends to eat one of every other kind you put in there.

Ed said...

kurt - I try my hardest to bring you amusing content...

iamnot - What have you done to supplement the dog's lack of sock diet now?

marie - Eww...that's not right, is it?

kelley - Don't laugh but there are a ton of people that do the whole sock/sandal thing here in the Pacific NW. I have to hide my face in shame...

sj - Please...have your washing machine eat them all

Mother Theresa said...

I'll tell you where they go: The pair sends off one of its members in search of a better life, or at least a foot that's not quite so smelly, and the other one stays home to wait for a reply. But, the missing sock usually gets captured by naked Tunisian sock merchants, who then sell them into a life of slavery as rags.

All-Mi-T [Thought Crime] Rawdawgbuffalo said...

id have to save m money, but i would invest

Ed said...

theresa - It sounds like a tragic story...I'll watch you when you get your Oscar for best original screenplay

torrance - Welcome. Hah! Investing in me is like investing in Cold Fusion. Sounds like a good idea; but no follow through; I'm too busy doing nothing!