Monday, February 25, 2008

Work Avoidance techniques

You know, before I came up with the ingenious idea of exploiting errr, I mean incorporating all global holidays into my schedule I had to utilize other untapped methods to yield the fewest possible work days per year.

It’s not easy to be that creative you know. The year before, I took advantage of flex hours and a combination of alternative workers to assist in my work. But my company had strict contractor and non-employee personnel policies I had to work around.

One way to do this was to actually use non-human assistance. It also made me look good to the diversity group. They liked the statistics I helped generate. Let me introduce you to my former staff:

VE Cat was my fill in for January and February and was pretty good but my co-workers didn’t much care for having to change his cat litter box.

VE Dog was my March fill in. No litter box issues here; they just let him roam around outside when he had to go. There were issues around getting the internal mail routed properly; he had an affinity for postal delivery (as in attack). Rumor had it that office refrigerator thefts were up that month as well.

VE Turtle came in April and while he didn’t have the same problems as VE Dog, he was simply too slow. He could only type 14 words per hour and soon it came obvious that my work was suffering. As I didn’t want to jeopardize my mid year review, I had to let him go. Rumor has it he’s finally packed up his stuff and has made it out of the building after almost a year.

VE Bunny finished up April and even stayed through May. He was so fast that even he didn’t have to work much in May. Unfortunately, I was getting a lot of HR complaints of humping incidents with fellow female employees. This wasn’t good either.

VE Guinea was pretty capable although he always seemed a bit nervous. He came in for the month of June. His Timothy Hay lunches were a nuisance though as they kept embedding themselves in the keyboards and ruining them.

VE Mouse was speedy also and lasted for the month of July. Ultimately though, my mouse just never lasted and he was accidentally upgraded with a Microsoft optical one. I still miss the little bugger.

VE Iguana handled the months of August and September. He wasn’t exactly fast but because he was cold blooded, none of the managers messed with him. The employees liked him because he kept the insects around the office to a minimum.

VE Frog just barely made it through the month of October. We had some offshore employees in from Asia and they got hungry and well…it was just too late to save him from the office kitchen. I still miss him too.

VE Puppet was a disaster. He essentially just sat there and did nothing the entire month of November. I could have done that! Granted, I was having more fun hiking and skiing while he did nothing but it wasn’t helping my credibility.

VE Bear wasn’t any better. I pretty much had him work from home as he was much more comfortable working from the bed; although I swear I never saw him accomplish anything. He did look like he was deep in thought all the time and I hated to interrupt him.

So the year turned out pretty good really. I only had to work ten days. One day to replace each animal substitute and then one day for my employee review. Oh, and those once a month computer shipments that I was supposed to make? I subcontracted that to VE Donkey.

17 comments:

iamnot said...

I just put a blow up doll at my desk...no one notices.

VE said...

iamnot - Oh, they are noticing the blow up doll, they're just not admitting they've been 'borrowing' it...

leelee said...

RE VE Guinea:

His Timothy Hay lunches were a nuisance though as they kept embedding themselves in the keyboards and ruining them.


HYSTERICAL...

great post..

Matt-Man said...

Donkeys shipping computers? You are such an ass. Cheers!!

VE said...

leelee - Welcome. Thanks.

matt-man - Yes I am! But what's that saying...takes one to know one. Hah! Cheers.

Serena Joy said...

I like the looks of your former staff much better than much of the staff I work with.:)

Kurt said...

I like how you experiment with different photography techniques - color, black and white, flash, natural light. Also, your bunny is cute.

VE said...

sj - And they rarely complain...

kurt - If you're going to have a bunny on staff, it had better be a cute one

RED MOJO said...

If only I could find a bunny who could do carpentry, I'd love a year to play!

Maureen said...

Hahahaha!!! Loved your fill-ins! I'll have to remember that...

That was too cute, there VE.

VE said...

red mojo - Bunnies with wood skills is hard to come by.

maureen - Work avoidence is a primary consideration in life!

Diesel said...

I once suggested to my employers that they get a trained monkey to go around and refill the employees' coffee cups.

I got fired from that job.

Jacki said...

You know, instead of outsourcing all their work to India, maybe companies should use this method. I would MUCH rather talk to a rabbit than someone with an accent I can't understand when trying to solve technical problems with my internet connection. It really irritates me when I am asking legitimate questions and they just repeat things from a script.

the frogster said...

I find it a little unsettling that you have pictures of my entire blog posting team up on your site.

VE said...

diesel - Did you say that to your boss? Were you calling your boss a monkey? Were you saying your boss should be replaced by a monkey? Well, if you were fired from that place, you're probably a better man for it

jacki - Yes, amazingly, my bunny had no accent at all. He's never been a cab driver either!

frogster - I suspected you'd been using non-human writers for some time but what with the writers strike, I didn't want to borrow them until the Academy awards were over...

Anne said...

How do you account for a different computer each month?

VE said...

anne - It's like socks. I like fresh new ones when I type...