Monday, March 24, 2008

Americana Shape Specialists (ASS)

If you are even remotely in touch with the cosmic forces of nonsensity, then you probably heard of the corn flake shaped like the state of Illinois. Yes, like all food products miraculously transformed into amazing things they shouldn’t be, it found its way to Ebay. Actually, they spanked the seller and yanked it off Ebay since Ebay doesn’t allow food products. But those silly sellers, they were so crafty they made a “coupon” for it and then sold the “coupon”. Inevitably, some idiot bought it. The bidding was fierce in fact and it sold for over $1,300. Good grief!

I guess if you look hard enough, you can pretty much make out something from a corn flake. I mean, they’re like clouds except you can keep them around longer.

In fact, I thought this Cocoa Puff looked just like the planet Qwarg from the Outer Andromeda region. Note the brown chocolately desolute look of it… And the Cheerio I found; no that is clearly the 14th ring of Saturn seen from a distance (and with a lot of alcohol consumption prior to viewing).

I’m gonna have to pour through all my cereal and see what turns up. Who know, I might have a Rice Krispy that looks like a giant Chipolte burrito or perhaps the very first amoeba. I might have a Wheat Chex that looks like a wicker basket only square. Oh wait, they all look like that…


The point is, whether my Kix cereal looks like those balls at Chuck E. Cheese or my Capt’n Crunch cereal looking like bales of hay; clearly somebody is going to have to help all of these idiots; I mean collectors out with strategies in finding them, identifying them, and valuating them.

That is why I’ll be opening my new niche market business to help with these evaluations (for a ridiculous sum of money and/or percentage of course). Yes, as a certified Americana Shape Specialist (ASS), I will be able to make those important determinations as to whether your potato chip does look like the Virgin Mary or just has a nasty oil stain and burn mark on it. I’ll be able to help you identify the Cheetos that look like the crucifixion of Christ from the ones that just have unusual appendages on them.

Yes, my trained staff can handle all your food item needs. From the Nestle Tollhouse morsel that looks like Switzerland’s Matterhorn clear up to the divine cases such as the Virgin Mary appearances.

Let us help you identify all those treasures before they are eaten and gone forever…

28 comments:

cathouse teri said...

You simply cannot get better than to find a way to be called an ASS and have it be a good thing!

Good job! And all the best in your future endeavor!

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

VE said...

teri - Thanks. It's all how you spin it, isn't it?!

iamnot said...

Jesus Cheeto in the news recently.

I'm searching cheeto bags now for the image of Scarlet Johanson naked.
When I find it, I'm keeping it.

VE said...

iamnot - I would too!

RED MOJO said...

The top chip in that 4-way intersection of Marys looks more like Jeff Daniels to me. Does that mean he's a God, or I should see my optomistrist?

VE said...

red mojo - He's obviously a God too and therefore can do your optomotrist work as well...

justacoolcat said...

A $1,300 coupon?

I'll be your coupon vendor.

VE said...

justacoolcat - Amazing, huh? Why didn't I think to make coupons for useless crap and sell them on ebay?

lime said...

perhaps once you have valued people's geographical and religious themed snack foods maybe i could provide archival services. it doesn't give me a great acronym to call myself an ASA but it might make me a buck or two off the suckers who buy this crap.

Jacki said...

You mean someone paid $1300 for a corn flake that looks like the state of Illinois?? Like, probably the whole box of corn flakes looks like Illinois!

Kurt said...

Hey - it was an investment! And $1300 isn't that much money.

The Attorneys for Ass Acne said...

We are checking with each other to decide if a copyright infringement lawsuit would be appropriate.

Beth said...

I'm going to be peering at my Special K very carefully tomorrow morning - I may have to call an ASS.

VE said...

lime - Good idea. A fool and his money are soon parted. Sounds like there are still a lot of fools with a lot of money out there

jacki - Yep, that's the stupidity of it all

kurt - Great, send me that much and I'll find you a corn flake for every state!

attorneys - Bring it on! I've retained the late Johnny Cochran to handle my legal representation! Ha ha

beth - Obviously special K would mean Kansas!

leelee said...

I'm searching cheeto bags now for the image of Scarlet Johanson naked.
When I find it, I'm keeping it.


hmmm...I might too..and I'm not even on that team (not that there's anything wrong with it)

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

We have a salt stain on a retaining wall down the street from my house that looks like the Virgin Mary. Everyone leaves flowers and candles. If I find a Jesus Cheeto I'm going to sell a coupon for it on eBay. I could use a few bucks.

Serena Joy said...

Well, you know what they say about a sucker born every minute. I see shapes in my food and specters on my walls all the time. I think I'll open up an eBay account and just forget about job hunting. I'm going to check my cereal and chips now and see who's in there.:)

ChristineEldin said...

LOL at the cornflake! But what a great marketer to sell the coupon. I wonder if he/she is going to try to sell a whole box?
:-)

theoffendedblogger said...

I sold a grilled cheese sandwich coupon on ebay last week.

My grilled cheese had an almost perfect image of Larry King breastfeeding Michael Bolton on it.

I sold it to some collector in Norway, he paid $47.50 for it!! :)

Matt-Man said...

Ha...When I first looked at the Cheeto picture I thought it was a big deep fried cheese dork coming out of the guy's pants.

Am I the only one? Cheers!!

The Stinker said...

Reminds me of the time I wiped my ass and the stain on the toilet paper looked exactly like Mickey Dolenz. Does that kind of thing go for big money?

VE said...

leelee - Ha. The search is on...

arizona - You should sell maps to the salt stain! Sort of like homes of the stars...

sj - See, another entrepuener idea for ya! Glad I could help, lol.

christine - Yeah, the whole box, one flake at a time. Talk about milking your cereal (no pun intended...well, maybe)

offended - That is offensive! And funny... Those darn Norwegians...

matt-man - You are the ONLY ONE that would see that, ha ha.

stinker - Depends on whether you used two-ply or not. Also, if it had a nice tarry look to it; probably a higher value...

Dee said...

this was a great post, I just wanted you to know I enjoyed reading your blog.

Dee

VE said...

dee - Thanks. Even I don't know what I'll write about from day to day...

Marie said...

That one on the right is Jesus, not Mary.

I saw this thing the other day that said something like "I have a miraculous picture of Jesus. If you look really close at his face you can see a burnt tortilla!"

VE said...

marie - Jesus...you are picky! LOL Jesus, Mary, Buddah, that Dianetics guy...it's all close enough...

Kelley said...

I found a likeness of George Dubbya in my bathroom.

Alas Boo flushed before I could rescue it.

Sans Pantaloons said...

It actually was a miracle.
Thanks for the comment. She was just a humpa humpa burnin' love.