Americana Shape Specialists (ASS)

If you are even remotely in touch with the cosmic forces of nonsensity, then you probably heard of the corn flake shaped like the state of Illinois. Yes, like all food products miraculously transformed into amazing things they shouldn’t be, it found its way to Ebay. Actually, they spanked the seller and yanked it off Ebay since Ebay doesn’t allow food products. But those silly sellers, they were so crafty they made a “coupon” for it and then sold the “coupon”. Inevitably, some idiot bought it. The bidding was fierce in fact and it sold for over $1,300. Good grief!

I guess if you look hard enough, you can pretty much make out something from a corn flake. I mean, they’re like clouds except you can keep them around longer.

In fact, I thought this Cocoa Puff looked just like the planet Qwarg from the Outer Andromeda region. Note the brown chocolately desolute look of it… And the Cheerio I found; no that is clearly the 14th ring of Saturn seen from a distance (and with a lot of alcohol consumption prior to viewing).

I’m gonna have to pour through all my cereal and see what turns up. Who know, I might have a Rice Krispy that looks like a giant Chipolte burrito or perhaps the very first amoeba. I might have a Wheat Chex that looks like a wicker basket only square. Oh wait, they all look like that…

The point is, whether my Kix cereal looks like those balls at Chuck E. Cheese or my Capt’n Crunch cereal looking like bales of hay; clearly somebody is going to have to help all of these idiots; I mean collectors out with strategies in finding them, identifying them, and valuating them.

That is why I’ll be opening my new niche market business to help with these evaluations (for a ridiculous sum of money and/or percentage of course). Yes, as a certified Americana Shape Specialist (ASS), I will be able to make those important determinations as to whether your potato chip does look like the Virgin Mary or just has a nasty oil stain and burn mark on it. I’ll be able to help you identify the Cheetos that look like the crucifixion of Christ from the ones that just have unusual appendages on them.

Yes, my trained staff can handle all your food item needs. From the Nestle Tollhouse morsel that looks like Switzerland’s Matterhorn clear up to the divine cases such as the Virgin Mary appearances.

Let us help you identify all those treasures before they are eaten and gone forever…