Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Hey...VE's on Steroids!

Not long ago, I got poison oak while hiking. It got around my eye and I feared it might shut my eye closed so I went to the doctor. He prescribed a steroid called Prednisone.

Steroids? Damn, there goes my baseball career. I was really working on my skills chewing a big wad of gum and scratching my balls out in left field too.

I’ve never been on steroids before. What if I become muscle-bound? Will it affect my dancing career? How will I afford to maintain keeping my buttons on my shirts as I rip them off flexing my jimungus pecs in my favorite Arnold bodybuilding show pose? These are serious questions.

But in reality, this kind of steroid would most likely just make me feel really great and potentially keep me up at night. Up at night? Is it laced with Viagra? Oh, wait, I think that meant sleep…

After receiving my prescription, I took the time to actually read the information they give you. Normally I just chuck that stuff other than to see if I have to eat something while taking it because it’s no fun to be walking in the mall and suddenly have the need to vomit into the wish fountain. Ruins the whole vibe of the display…

The first interesting thing I read was DO NOT STOP TAKING THIS MEDICINE without checking with your doctor. Stopping this medicine suddenly may cause serious side effects.

Holy crap; that doesn’t sound good. Isn’t that a pharmaceutical company’s wet dream: Scare your patients into having to continue to take your medication? They’re bluffing. It’s not like my muscles are going to suddenly shrivel up like male genitalia during a glacier lake swim or something. Or will they? I did once go off medications from a broken arm and developed withdrawal symptoms that kept me up without sleep for 57 hours until my co-workers had to escort me to a doctor because I was twitching and blabbering incoherent things like needing to call in a pre-emptive strike because there were too many blue vehicles assembling in the employee parking lot. Would that happen again?

IF YOU ARE BREAST FEEDING check with your doctor to discuss possible risks. See, damn, I knew it! All those low fat chicken breasts I’ve been eating for dinners are now going to be a liability to my being healthy again! What was I thinking?

Check with your doctor as soon as possible if you experience bone problems.
Wait a minute, what exactly is a bone problem? Will they be sneaking off with the car at night while I’m sleeping? Are they going to suddenly pop out of my skin while I’m trying to read my blogs? It would be nice to have a few more specifics here…


Contact your doctor immediately if you experience….black, tarry stools
Again, this one has me perplexed. Now if I had lime green stools with sprinkles that might be quite disturbing. But wouldn’t I want a darker stool? Ok, licorice black might not be a good sign; I’ll agree with that. What the hell is tarry? Am I the only idiot to have to look this up? Oh…wait, they don’t mean tarry in the sense of “to tarry on his way somewhere”; they mean tar-like. I get it now; they’re saying if I take a dukie and the toilet looks like the Labraia Tar Pit then that is not good. No shit! (pardon the pun)

Contact your doctor immediately if you experience…skin growths
Exactly what would I be growing on my skin as a result here? Would there be like a new sub-development sprouting up on my arm? Or would I find a bunch of mushrooms forming on my back? I find this possibility a bit disturbing…thanks for the warning.

All in all, I’m about done with the damn medication. It did turn my eye back from looking like I got bitch slapped over at the women’s abuse clinic to normal again pretty quickly. All the itch went away fast. I did end up waking up for several hours each night; pondering ridiculous ideas and blog posts when I should have been unconscious and drooling but it’s a small price to pay to get back to normal again.

40 comments:

iamnot said...

Increases your appetite too.

VE said...

iamnot - Really? I thought that double-rack of beef ribs at Busters was just a fluke...

Jeff said...

Good lord... it's hard to believe that guy's picture is even real. And I can't even describe how disturbed I am by his marble sack. Thanks for messing up my lunch VE.

VE said...

jeff - Always a pleasure...

Sornie said...

Finally I don't feel alone in wondering what's up with all the blue vehicles in the parking lot. And here I thought I was losing my mind.

VE said...

sornie - You saw them too? See, I knew there was more too it. I've examined photos of the World Trade Center parking lot right before 911 and there was an inordinate amount of blue cars gathered...

GC said...

that guys pic was real?!!!
augghhhh!!

VE said...

gc - I don't think its real. At least I hope not...

ChristineEldin said...

I had that photo of steroid man on my blog a long time ago. Everyone wondered how he could move....

VE said...

christine - Yeah, it sure is the obvious choice to make a statement with, isn't it?

cathouse teri said...

I hate stools that tarry!

ANYWAY, per your comment at my blog ~ are you saying you don't know any women like the one described? Not at all?

sprinkle4 said...

My husband was on some medication that had some bad side effects. He called his doctor to get it switched to something else and the doctor told him "Whatever you do, don't stop taking it all at once. It could stop your heart." Thanks for the info beforehand doc!

The visual of your patella and perhaps your femur sneaking off with the car had me laughing so hard I was snorting. Dag, that's funny!

VE said...

teri - Welcome. That's a tough list to hit all of. I'd say I've known women close but they always seem to hit one of those to a degree that you cannot say that.

VE said...

sprinkle4 - Wow, yeah, heart stopping = Bad in my book... And if you see my femur cruising out around the strip clubs, you send him back right away!

cathouse teri said...

Of course, no one is perfect. But some are purrrrrrrrrfect. :)

Jacki said...

That is one disturbing picture.

VE said...

teri - Well...can't argue with that!

jacki - I always go for the cheesy shock value don't I? It disguises my inability to be funny....

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Register an e-mail with Blogger!

Thanks for your comment - I may just try that the next rainy day with the kids. It's time they started pulling their own weight, anyway.

Love the song parody...

lime said...

my son took prednisone for a month one week...yeah, you read that right. it felt like a month because it sent him into orbit. i used to have to peel him off the ceiling each night to put him to bed. the human pinball...that was the boy on prednisone.

also, i am seriously very glad i already ate my dinner because that body builder is disturbing.

lime said...

ok i just read through some of the posts you have up here. damn you for being so funny. now i will be compelled to return....as if i don't have enough blogging to keep me from cleaning the kitchen!

Kurt said...

Black is bad enough, but tarry?

RED MOJO said...

Ah, side affects, you gotta love 'em. No anal leakage is a plus though. That body builder is so odd looking. His head doesn't see to belong to his body, in fact, it made me think about using it to photo-shop different people's heads onto it. That could be funny...

Beth said...

First visit to your blog - and if that's a picture of you accompanying this post, I'm a little leery....
(thanks for visiting mine)

NYD said...

Ummm, you're taking this stuff to help you with a problem or to create one?

The bodybuilder looks just like a superhero- hemorrhoid man!

Serena Joy said...

Glad you're feeling better and escaped without black tarry stools, lactation, or weird skin growths. As long as it gave you blog ideas instead of 'roid rage, it's all good.:D

Jeffrey Ellis said...

LOL! This post really made me laugh.

Damn you for getting more comments than I ever do. Bastard.

leelee said...

For real, that was one funny post..

still laughing here..or perhaps I am laughing because I am sitting in a Comfort Inn just off interstate 95 somewhere in South Carolina....and it happens to be the very same Comfort Inn we stayed at the last time we drove North. What are the odds?

HUGS!!

VE said...

suburbancorrespondant - Thanks. Glad to know somebody reads my parodies...

lime - Yikes...a month? You'd have to rent another house lest your own be destroyed. Sorry...I can't help trying to be funny...

kurt - Exactly. Thanks for being descriptive, huh?

red mojo - I think that body builder is fake (I hope so)

beth - Are you referring to the bodybuilder? Oh, that's just shock value fun for the post. If you are referring to the profile pic that is just me and I put a Howdy Doody crayon box over my face because I don't want my employer tracking down my blog. But welcome...don't be afraid of my juvinile antics.

nyd - Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I don't take it lightly but it really did help the poison oak.

serena - Other than the awake at night, it's all good!

jeffrey - I buy commenters like you would purchase itunes. One buck for every comment...

leelee - Thanks. Comfort Inn huh? Well, I certainly hope it was comfortable...

cathouse teri said...

Okay... these people are funny!

VE said...

teri - They really are. I enjoy their comments and their blogs.

HeyJoe said...

I'm down to 1/2 tab of Pred a day; been on it for about...4 weeks or so for a colitis flare up. Yes, makes you eat a lot and keeps you up at night. At least for the first week or so.

VE said...

heyjoe - Hey...another fellow user. How's the tarry stool? ;)
Wow, I don't know if I'd want to be on these for four weeks. Do you do Incredible Hulk impersonations yet?

Carla said...

Is that pic of that guy for real? It looks like he has balloons under his skin. It's quite disturbing actually.

Alex L said...

Well passing that pictured black stool would no doubt bring its own problems one would think.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

The photo of that guy is disturbing...what the hell happened to him? lol...

Kelley said...

Bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa!!! *applauds* you managed to get me to spurt my double shot skinny latte all over the screen. And then lick it off while still reading and giggling.

That, my friend, is a first. I am thinking of making a blown Easter egg in your image. How exactly to you do brown and shriveled on an egg?

(and as an aside, how the hell do you manage to reply to every single comment individually? Are you surgically connected to the freaking puter?)

quilly said...

I always read the possible side-effects of my prescribed meds. Sometimes the cure is worse than what ails me!

VE said...

carla - We'll just call him balloon man...how about that.

alex - Hah. That's for sure!

arizona - The usual. Big muscles, small brain, big ego, small...

kelley - Screen latte licking is a new one for me. It's an honor, thanks. I'll have to see what you come up in an egg in my honor. Yikes.

quilly - But doesn't that just freak you out more? They are obviously written to prevent being sued but it's ridiculous.

Billy said...

Most ballplayers today are taking homeopathic hgh oral spray because it's safe, undetectable, and legal for over the counter sales. As time goes on it seems it might be considered as benign a performance enhancer as coffee, aspirin, red bull, chewing tobacco, and bubble gum.

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