Friday, March 14, 2008

Never Again Land Ranch

Damn. Just my luck. Right at the last minute, Michael Jackson and his lawyers saved the Neverland Ranch from auction. I had it all worked out to purchase that property too.

The value would have been about 24 million dollars. Taking a 50 year mortgage (which I could dump on my children after I die) and putting $100,000 down, I would only have 600 easy payments of $117,073 a month based on a 5.5 percent loan. I’m not sure what taxes are on the place, so I’d have to factor that into my budget too.

I had a lot of plans for the place:

The seventeen loop-de-loop roller coaster that takes me to the mailbox everyday won’t be built now.

The mini-bowling alley shaped like a putt-putt golf course won’t come to fruition either. I especially liked that one alley shaped like a giant swirling spiral with the pins right in the middle.

Damn, and that rock climbing wall that is built using that really slick whiteboard material and features pockets for hand and foot holds that randomly collapse to flush so that you have to react to the random program of holds materializing and dematerializing to get to the top; yep, that won’t happen either.

I’m sad that the room with the giant sized foam padded pick-up sticks cannot be built for the kids. I could see them climbing around and playing on that; trying to get to the various levels of forts built on it.

They won’t get to play in that new foam pad room when you can jump from wobbly object to the next wobbly object, higher and higher and try to make it around the course without falling to the padding below.

They won’t enjoy the 75 foot fabric slide that you could jump onto and then slide down from.

I won’t be able to modify the rec room to include that golf driving course where you drive the golf ball and it curves up through a plexiglass tube until it goes straight up into the air and is then measured for height using a series of observation sensors rising out of the house. Dang…I wanted to challenge Tiger Woods to beat my record.

I’ll especially miss the house of confusion. It’s a six by six grid of round cylinders that you go in from one end and try to get to the other end. Each cylinder has four identical doors and the whole thing is computerized to randomly rotate either clockwise or counter clockwise and then stop; allowing you to move to the next one all the while you try to get to the other side. Each cylinder would have a special key that allowed you to indicate that you had been there already. I was going to invite friends over and make up games like putting everyone in pairs and then having them try to find their pair by each going in one end and then trying to connect up together first.

But nooooo...Mr. PS (plastic surgery) had to go ahead and save the ranch and foil all my plans!

22 comments:

Kurt said...

Why did Michael Jackson run all the way to Mervyn's?

He heard boys' pants were half off.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

maybe it should become a rehb center LOL

VE said...

kurt - That's funny. Did you think of that all by yourself?

torrance - Good idea. I fear it isn't big enough. There are a lot of screwed up celebrities out there to rehab. It would be a start though.

leelee said...

I'll bet Willy Wonka is one of the people you admire most VE.

I'm pretty disappointed you didn't get to purchase the Neverland ranch. Your plans sounded like fun! I would so totally have paid an admission to go.

ChristineEldin said...

Oh man....Kurt's joke was pretty funny!

Where is Michael living these days?

Theresa said...

What a disappointment. Just look what the world will miss out on. Maybe you should just build your own ranch, that way people won't have to give up their dream of playing with foam padded pick up sticks. And that cylinder thing sounds like something from a Japanese game show...twisted. Hey, I know, why don't you start your own game show, and that way you can have your ranch, and not even have to pay for it.

Marie said...

I was wondering what on earth anyone would want with that place. It only has value intrinsically and as a curiosity.

RED MOJO said...

Well, the payments would have been tough, what with you screwing around on the computer all the time and everything. Maybe it's for the best!

VE said...

leelee - Yes, but only the original Willy Wonka, not the Johnny Depp version.

christineedlin - Michael's hiding out in the Middle East I heard

theresa - Hmmmm...my own game show. That's an idea.

marie - I just need the 2000 plus acres for my goofy ideas, that's all

red mojo - Well, the money is rolling in from my teen port-a-cam, the exercise bubble orders and my Driving for the Sexes classes. I could have managed a couple hundred a month...

Serena Joy said...

It's just a shame and a travesty that you won't be getting the place. You could have done so much with it.:)

VE said...

sj - I know, I know and Michael told me to "Beat it, beat it" from his property too.

Barry Nong said...

shit! you's have got 5.5% mortgage rates....our are getting close to 10%

leelee said...

Of course the Gene Wilder Willy Wonka!!!

Jeff said...

I'm sure Mikey will let you play with him if you ask nicely.

HeyJoe said...

Guess all you can do is drown your sorrows in ye old Jesus Juice.

Diesel said...

I bet you can get the elephant man's remains cheap.

VE said...

barry - Yikes. We already have a crisis in prices; that kind of interest rate would just seal the coffin

leelee - Yep, the old school Willy!

jeff - I think I'm about 35 years too old for him...

joe - Is Jesus Juice organic?

diesel - Really? I'll look into that

Matt-Man said...

I'm sorry to hear that your plans for your dream house have been shattered.

Maybe the major award that you won on my site today will ease the pain. Cheers!!

Jacki said...

That sucks. I was hoping for an invitation to come visit you at your new ranch.

But seriously, at $100,000+ a month? When you think about it, that is just sick. Considering the average person in the US makes what, $45,000 a year?

NYD said...

I feel really bad that you didn't get the property. I was going to drop by and offer to pick up the mail every morning for you.

Winter said...

That's horrid that your plans were foiled! Fucking MJ. Someone needs to put him on the death list with Oprah and Dr. Phil. The nerve of that pedophile! BTW, congrats on winning the COW! Mooo!

VE said...

matt-man - OMG! I won a major award. I'll be right over!!

jacki - Yeah, the cost is high, but it's an American value to be way into debt!

nyd - Sure, you can get the mail on the roller coaster. Just be sure to get the Fast-pass ticket as I think there will be a queue for that one.

winter - Thanks. I just found out about the award myself. There's a death list? Well, if you think about it, ultimately I guess we're all on a death list given enough time...