Wednesday, March 26, 2008

New Amazing Technology

Ok, first things first. Jeffrey Ellis over at The Stinker tagged me for an infernal meme that you probably have seen floating around...the six word memoir. And you know how I feel about memes... But hey, six words. It'll come as no suprise that my six word memoir is "what the hell was he thinking!". And to put this aside, I'll tag iamnot, Kurt, lime, bee, heyjoe because I haven't seen this one at their blogs and misery loves company...

Enough...on to a post...

I like cutting edge things. But they can’t just be some newfangled pda, music, or phone offering. They have to be truly revolutionary. Let me share a few of these with you. Go ahead; you can admit you saw them here first…

1. Forget about getting a flat tire ever again!

The tire industry is about to be revolutionized thanks to a new design that is coming. It's called a Tweel. I know, it sounds like Tweety Bird came up with the name. Very lame name, but pretty cool idea. That’s right; these new wheels eliminate the need for a tire at all! Doing so also allows performance that they were physically unable to achieve before.

- You’ll be able to drive your Ford Focus 189mph on these tires (well…when you install a rocket engine and a Ferrari body to it)
- You’ll be able to drive on water (ok…maybe only a couple of inches of it, but its still water)
- You’ll be able to pick up digital radio stations (ok, that has nothing to do with the tire; I just made it up…)

With the new playing card option you can now have the clothespin and card set up just like when you were a kid. Awesome!

2. Forget about needing a laptop screen ever again!


New high tech contacts in the future are going to allow you to see the screen right in the contacts. This virtual screen will eliminate the need for a physical one.

I can see a lot of fun uses with these. Imagine replacing somebody’s regular contact with a pair of these and they walk around all day seeing monsters, gnomes, or worse: Tom Cruise. This would be just too much fun. They could bring back the Jackass movies just for this concept alone!

3. Laser TVs

Yeah, you’re gonna feel real stupid buying that mega LCD or Plasma screen TV once Laser TVs hit the market. For one thing, traditional TV technology only allows us to see 40% of the color spectrum whereas these TVs allow us to see 80%! That means all those awful colors you try to avoid in houses being sold around your neighborhood are now available on your TV! Yeah.

Rumor has it that 60 inch Laser TVs will be available for $1,000 in the future. They also use way less power than other large screen options. Those two new power plants they’ve built in your area? That’s right, it’s your fault. It’s because you HAD to have that 84 inch plasma TV!

4. Canned Hamburger

And I’ve saved the most staggering technology for last.

That’s right; you can now buy a canned cheeseburger! God bless technology!

36 comments:

captain corky said...

Thank God for canned cheeseburgers! Now I'll never have to leave my house to go to McDonald's, ever again!

VE said...

cc - Yes, I believe the trifecta is now complete. We have canned soda, canned french fries, and now canned cheeseburgers! Now if they could just deliver the obnoxious toys from the happy meals to our house...

leelee said...

canned French Fries?... do tell

Jacki said...

Ummm....canned cheeseburgers? And here I thought Spam was one of the worst things out there.

iamnot said...

Those tires look like they might ride just a tad rough.
Canned cheeseburger? No thanks. I like my spam.

BTW, thanks for the meme tag. I've just been reading that one all over the place and celebrating my good fortune over NOT being tagged for it.
Now, just when I was thinking I was so low on the pecking order as to go unscathed...you step in.

VE said...

leelee - No, I just meant those psuedo ones that are actually just string potato chips.

jacki - Yeah, it just keeps getting worse and worse

iamnot - Come on buddy...I think your my longest reader. I'd have to tag you. Believe me, I hate getting tagged for these things to but I get tagged so little, I feel bad about not repsonding when I do. Oh, and the ride on those tweel tires, it's the spoking system or whatever those things are that keep it from being a rough ride apparently.

leelee said...

oops..blonde moment..Potato Stix...Oh I love those!

I'll pass on the canned cheeseburgers though..if I'm gonna have one, I want the real thing!!

Kanrei said...

It is either a statement on my own gullibility or how weird I think the world is becoming, but I cannot tell if these are VE inventions or real items coming on the market. The tires I do not believe, but who knows just how far those "green people" really will go. That contact and the hamburger...I have seen stranger things in my life.

What's next- a black man and a white woman fighting for the White House or something?

Kurt said...

What if you don't wear contacts?

I like the tire.

lime said...

uh, i think you've been sniffing crayons too much. i did the 6 word memoir on monday.

and i swear, i am thankful i already ate my lunch because the thought of canned cheeseburgers could ruin my appetite for a long long time. i do not want to know what the developer of that technology was sniffing.

Anne said...

no thanks

Matt-Man said...

SPAM Rocks!! With that being said...Canned Cheeseburgers are similar to Canned Laughter.

It didn't work for the last years of M*A*S*H; it won't work for burgers. Cheers!!

Bee said...

I see Tom Cruise all the time, I don’t need no stinkin’ contacts!

Those burgers look as good as spam ice cream. MMMMMM

Six words? I’ll try my hardest!

VE said...

leelee - The idea is if you are out on a backpacking trip and have the craving for a hamburger... presto. The reality is that some things shouldn't be available when backpacking...

kan - Hah. That's great. I'm blurring your reality. No, all of these products are real. You can look up Tweel. You can look up Laser TV. I think the contact might still be mostly conceptual though. I found it on some gadget sight awhile back. The canned cheeseburger...well I'd like to tell you it isn't real...

kurt - Well then you will need to start, won't you!!!

lime - Oh crap. You're right. I didn't go back and veryify I just tried to recall from memory and when I can sometimes read up to 60 blogs in a day, the old brain gets confused. Perhaps I should go sniff some crayons. When you have 72,000 crayons in storage they tend to smell very strong of crayons. Sorry to ruin your appetite by the way...

anne - Come on...I'm sure the lettuce is still crunchy...

matt-man - Canned laughter would make a lovely desert with your canned cheeseburger.

bee - Spam ice cream? I think you have something there! I'll swing by to scrutinize your six words later...

GC said...

Is the lettuce fresh? Will I feel like I've prepared my own burger if I heat this up in the toaster oven? Consumers don't like to feel as if they're eating ready-made meals you know.

Beth said...

Great memoir! (I wish I'd thought up one like that.)
I can no longer tell what gadgets are actually new and usable or jokes. This either says something (negative) about me or about the world today. (Probably me.)

sprinkle4 said...

Great...now all I have to do is sit at home, eat my canned cheeseburger and surf the net with one eye while watching my laser t.v. with the other. I may never leave the house again!

C said...

What a cool blog you've got! Canned cheeseburgers, eh? My cousin came back from France with some canned air from Paris. No joke.

BTW, I'd rather be stranded on a dessert island with anyone BUT Erkel.

P.S. We stayed at Paraiso Tropical in Puerto Plata. Which place did you stay at? Had a blast and we're thinking of going back next year.

VE said...

qc - Good questions, I would think that the lettuce would be quite gross...which is pretty much what I think about the whole concept

beth - Yeah, that is what Kan was pointing out too. I do my share of making it worse because I have a tendency to make up a lot of goofy products for fun. These, however, were real

sprinkle4 - Isolate and control, isolate and control

c - That's funny...no Erkel! I can't even remember what the name of the hotel was. It was very upscale and a smaller sized one they said that celebrities used; not an all-inclusive like the other 8-10 that circled that beach. There was a golf course that bordered all of them in that complex. I really liked the DR. Prices (other than that hotel) were reasonable, the people were friendly, we felt safe, there was lots of fun things to do. Sadly, my world list is too big so I doubt I'll make it back anytime soon.

RED MOJO said...

Lord, why do I insist on reading all those comments and replies, it takes centuries!
Those tweels don't look like they give you much traction. I wonder what one would look like after a nice big pot-hole.

Serena Joy said...

I think that if I ate a canned cheeseburger, put in my high tech contact virtual screens, and took off driving a Ford Focus at 189 mph, I might as well call myself Corpse In A Can.:)

VE said...

red mojo - It because your sick and twisted...like me. Good point on the pot holes, I wonder what a tweel would be like after a lot of them over the years.

sj - You know, I'm sure you can order a can to be buried in...

cathouse teri said...

Oh great! Now I gotta go throw up!

VE said...

teri - Doesn't get much worse, does it?

grover said...

Great!!! Now my car will still be broke down sitting in the driveway.....but it will look good. In my right eye anyway, my left eye will have a virus and I will probably bleed to death from the cut on my hand from opening my cheeseburger can.....GOOD TIMES.....

Jeff said...

The new wheels are cool and all, but the big question is... can you put spinners on them? Because that's a style that hasn't nearly seen its day yet. No really.

Kelley said...

can't wait for those contacts! I can have all sorts of evil fun with my kids then... oh the possibilities are making me positively giddy!

cathouse teri said...

Much worse? How about canned throw up!

Which reminds me of a story. My sister was eating some pork and beans. She was fussing about the piece of pork in it. I said, "What are you complaining about? You swallow cum all the time, what's the big deal with this?" She said, "Sure I swallow cum, but I don't eat it cold out of a can!"

Can't argue with that logic.

VE said...

grover - Glad you took the optimistic viewpoint

jeff - Somehow I can see you with spinners on your car...

kelley - Boy, I cannot imagine you with some of these...sounds dangerous

teri - Ok, you got me on that one!

Alex L said...

Canned Cheeseburgers... well I guess they need to use those old car tyres for something once those Tweels come in.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

The canned cheeseburger needs to be sold in a package along with some Depends and Immodium AD because it looks like an explosive diarrhea accident just waiting to happen.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Tweels will never sell with younger buyers simply because how else will they be able to peel out in front of you and squeal their tires? They enjoy making that black rubber stain on society.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Does it come with the bun?

VE said...

suburbancorrespondent - Yes, unfortunately I think it does. Imagine how un-appetizing it would look coming out of a can?

HeyJoe said...

Damn you, VE. Now I must actually THINK.

I'll get even some day....

tackyraccoons.com said...

Did no one say
"I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?"