Thursday, March 27, 2008

New Diseases

Thanks to the unlimited amount of money the drug companies have and their ability to advertise, we are now subjected to an amusing amount of diseases I never knew existed. It’s so entertaining:

“Do you find yourself drowsy driving to work at 4am on a Monday?”Is your skin pale in January?” You could be suffering from a seasonal work disease called Itsfuckingwinterandyouhavetowork syndrome. Of course they have pills for this. Be sure to ask your “on the take” doctor about this syndrome.

Seriously, did you ever hear of Restless Leg Syndrome prior to drug company advertising? WTF? I’m worried I’ll be watching reruns of The Office and suddenly my legs will get restless and walk away and onto some freeway while I’m desperately clawing for something to hold them back. This is scary!

Oh, and have you heard the latest one? The newest syndrome is the False Cell Phone Vibrate Syndrome. Yes, that’s right. People experience vibrations on their body as if their cell phones are going off but in reality they are not. I’m sure it’s a debilitating disease!

I predict the following disease/syndromes coming to a TV ad in your future:

Shuffle Leg syndrome – Caused from boys wearing their pants too far down and forcing them to shuffle along in an abnormal walk which continues on until the subject can no longer walk at all.

Palmitis – Overuse of the muscles in the hand in males caused from the unnatural squeezing of hard silicone breast implants. A debilitating disease that leaves the patient unable to use their hands except in kung-fu like karate chops.

36 comments:

RED MOJO said...

I have a rule about that: I won't date a woman whose breats are bigger than her head. That's just me.

Jacki said...

LOL on the breasts. I have often thought about getting implants, but then I think....I am all of 100 lbs. soaking wet. Anything bigger than what I have would probably look retarded. Then I'd look like that chick.

Oh and have you seen the ads for the newest RLS medication? It may cause an increased desire to gamble and have sex. How is that a bad thing?

Sornie said...

Hell, if the side effects of the RLS meds are ture, sign me up!

VE said...

red mojo - That seems like a good rule...LOL

jacki - Really? Gamble and sex huh? It's a wonder they don't hand them out at the airport when you arrive in Vegas

sornie - I hear that...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm looking for a cure or some sort of remedy to relieve my butt-numbing symptoms. If I sit in one place for hours on end, my butt cheeks get all listless and I can't feel them when I'm doing my Saddlebag Cinch exercise while sitting in my computer chair.

Is there no end to my derriere pain and misery?

Kurt said...

Itsfuckingwinterandyouhavetowork syndrome, indeed!

Anndi said...

I heard shuffle leg syndrome can be cured with suspenders... or a really violent and sudden wedgy.

VE said...

kurt - I have immunity from this and like the Omega Man, I'm going from town to town with samples of my blood

anndi - Welcome. I don't know. Suspenders seem like a bad side effect, not a cure. Now wedgies, that's a good one. I knew a few people at school with skills to pull off violent sudden wedgies.

leelee said...

I'm also bothered that the advertisers use animated characters to "push" their drugs. Like that cartoon phlegm family or the little horned monsters that pick up toe nails start burrowing...they freak and gross me out..

leelee said...

now that I think of it..if any of those characters took up residence on or in me, I'd have to kill myself.

Qelqoth said...

There is a syndrome for everything, isn't there? What on earth is this world coming to?

WA said...

Funny stuff. And I see you're in the wonderful Portland, OR so you're funny AND damp. (And I'm speaking as a UofO graduate.)

You should Google "Sans Pantaloons". He's a blogger whom I think you would like.

VE said...

elasticwaistbandlady - That could be serious...look at that gal that sat on the toilet for 2 years and her skin grew around it...

leelee - Yeah, some of those characters are pretty creepy. Well, all of them are.

qelqoth - It's all coming to a Starbucks in every home. Then the world ends...

VE said...

wa - Welcome. Ah, UofO...those beavers are great, aren't they; just kidding. I'll check out the site, thanks. And don't even get me started about being damp.

Kanrei said...

Restless Leg is actually a very real thing. I work in sleep disorders, remember? The phantom vibe thing I also suffer from and it drives me nuts.

On the subject- companies should not be able to advertise directly to the public. Most drugs are used to treat specific problems and nobody, NOBODY, can self-diagnois. All this does is create public panic over things they think/ want to have.

Kanrei said...

For example, my sister is convinced she is suffering from anxiety and wants the pills to battle it. Everyone who knows and deals with her are trying to tell her it is not anxiety, but probably just stress. She refuses to listen to anyone.

VE said...

kan - Yeah, I hear ya; you are right, they word the ads in such a way to convince everyone they must have it. It's the old "let's bandaid it" and not worry about the source because we can't sell that mentality.

Qelqoth said...

Oh don't get me started. We've just had Subway from you guys. Subway this, Subway that. They're popping up every bloody where, faster than McDonalds too.

You know, back in the ancient times, we used to have these things called Fish 'n' Chip shops and they were bloody awesome. But no. It's all Turkish kebab stores and American fast food franchises now, innit?

Our country has gone straight to hell. For your country and its crimes against humanity, I've linked to MeatSpin.com - enjoy it. :)

HeyJoe said...

Believe it or not I suffer from that cell phone thing. I constantly think my cell phone is vibrating in my pocket when it's not.

And I also wish I had those tits, but that's another affliction.

damon said...

I'm gonna go ahead and ignore all warning signs of 'Palmitis'. Sometimes it is better to have squeezed and lost, than to never have squeezed at all.

VE said...

qelqoth - I'd hoped Europe would avoid the damn franchises from America. Apparently that isn't the case anymore.

heyjoe - It's probably a conspiracy set up by the phone company; they have it randomly buzz without us knowing about it.

VE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
VE said...

damon - Go ahead my friend. Live on the edge. Take a risk.

Serena Joy said...

I've had that it'swinterandihavetoworkitch. I wish somebody would come up with a cure for it. That one's a bitch. The phantom vibrations aren't so bad, though. Sometimes it's even fun. I am SO glad I don't have breasts down to my waist.:)

VE said...

sj - I thought you might appreciate that disease. I was waiting for the one that might think the vibration was a good thing...

Beth said...

Re: the last picture.
Do guys actually want to touch those THINGS?! My God.

HeyJoe said...

In answer to Beth, maybe not every DAY, but sure, I'd give 'em a squeeze.

Wait, did I really just say NOT every day?

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

What scares me is that my 3 yr old son is sitting on my lap as I read this and he just asked me to "click on the big nummies." I'm guessing when he's older he might get palmitis....

VE said...

beth - Not me...I've got my girlfriend; no artificial sweeteners there

heyjoe - You're living in denial...

arizona - Sorry...I try to keep it fairly respectible around here...

Carla said...

I don't know...I bet there are guys out there that would get a real thrill from that vibrate syndrome. I can hardly wait until you get to the list of side affects from taking meds to keep these knew diseases as bay.

Matt-Man said...

Those tits are just way too big...Hahahahaha, yeah right, like I really meant that. Cheers!!

Kelley said...

Wow that chest expanding from allergic reaction to bee stings is like at epidemic proportions!

Seriously, her tits hit her navel. That is all kinds of horrible.

iamnot said...

In all my years I think I came across just one really well done boob job. By well done, I mean it took close inspection and confirmation by the woman that they were indeed "enhanced."

"Go big or stay home," is just the wrong attitude to have going in to all of that.

VE said...

carla - Yeah, that's the trouble, you take the pills, then you have to take more to counter those side effects, then more, then more. Then...you're just like Elvis was.

matt-man - Why does that not surprise me in the least!

kelley - Bee chest reactions is a serious problem that many man seem to enjoy

iamnot - It's not all vanity though. Women that have had breast cancer use the technique too; and there is where I think its more important.

Maureen said...

Some of those ads are absolutely hilarious. They are hawking a pill for the slightest condition, and the potential side effects are much worse than the reason you're popping the pill for!

Yeah, you may have a heart attack or brain aneurysm, but thank goodness your leg doesn't twitch anymore!!!

VE said...

maureen - Good point...they can have that put on their tombstone