Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Stupid Music Industry

I think I can pull it off…

I think I can win a Grammy…

I’ll be going for one in the BEST CONTEMPORARY DOO WAP PERFORMANCE FROM A DIGITAL SOURCE WITHOUT VOCAL – PRIMARILY NOT FOR JAZZ OR FOR DANCING category.

I mean really, how much competition do I really have? How many artists really compete for BEST HEAVY METAL POLKA ACAPELLA PERFORMANCE WITH ORIGINAL COMPOSITION?

The Grammy Awards and Billboard Charts are weird.

Remember when we could just count on the Top 40? Remember when there was like just Best Song, Best Album and Best New Artist? Those days are long gone. I don’t know when they totally went away, but it was about the time when we started offering music channels by genre. Suddenly, instead of the old AM and then FM stations, we had distinct finite categories. Then we had more, then we had more…

It’s really ridiculous now. Consider this. The Grammy’s have over 180 different categories in which you can win an award. I’m not making that up. Consider these actual categories:

Best Country Collaboration with Vocals. Errr…aren’t they all collaborations? I can understand the instrumental vs with vocals, but just how many instrumental country songs are up for a grammy anyway? Did somebody back in the 70s say “Damn, Earl, it’s dag burn unfair that ‘Dueling Banjos’ got beat out by ‘I Walk the Line’ just because Mr. Cash has a deep voice!” and then lobby the awards to add another one for just instrumentals? Like the competition was so tough and large in the first place…

Best Southern, Country, or Bluegrass Gospel Album. I shit you not! Just how do they classify what is ‘southern’ anyway?

“I’m sorry Mr. Smith, your album – while a fine recording – was recorded and produced in Ohio and lacks in our Southern qualifications as a result…”

Do you realize they have 22 different Gospel Grammy awards alone? Is God playing favorites again?

Best Performance by an Orchestra or Instrumentalist with Orchestra - Primarily Not Jazz or for Dancing. Now, not only does this one win the award for the longest Grammy award to announce, but really, did somebody come up and say, “Well sure, it was good music but that was made for dancing and therefore doesn’t qualify...” Will we have categories in the future that say ‘- Primarily for audio annoyance’? Might as well go all the way with specifics if you ask me. Why stop now?

Oh, and then there are the billboard charts. If you categorize these so much, what is the point in tracking them? Sure, such and such song is number one for a record 59 weeks on the charts, but it’s on the Native American Traditional Pop Sizzling Dance Composition chart. And it’s the only one that has EVER been on that chart!

Hot Mainstream Rock Tracks: the most-played songs on mainstream rock radio stations, a category that includes stations that play primarily rock music but are not modern rock (that is, "alternative")

Wow, you wouldn’t want Tom Petty competing against Green Day, would you? No wonder the charts really don’t mean anything anymore.

42 comments:

Jacki said...

But perhaps you would have an even better chance with the Best Spoken Word Album.

And you know what, I don't think 180 different songs are played on the freaking radio each year. If your radio stations are like ours, they play the same 5 songs over and over and over.....

Do people really care anymore?

cathouse teri said...

Honestly, I don't even know how to categorize music any more. People ask me what kind of music I like and I say, "uh... well... the uh... the kind that I like!"

Sometimes I hear a song I like and I stop everyone and say, "That one! I like that one! What kind of music is that???" No one knows.

So now, since I get such a puzzled look with my ambiguous answer, I just say I like both kinds of music, country AND western.

Very creative and fun post, btw.

VE said...

jacki - Well, my speaking voice is terrible...I'd have to sing (right!) Yeah, there aren't 180 songs out there and that's why the same song wins in 72 different categories...

teri - I know, I know. I have the same problem. Hah...you have a Blues Brothers quote there. Excellent. It's hard to catch me on movie quotes though...

leelee said...

Well, this all stems from the now popular belief that "It's ok kids..don't cry...everyone gets a trophy" mentality. God forbid someone should ever be disappointed they didn't win SOMETHING.

Marie said...

No kidding about the Southern thing. I grew up in California, the most SouthWestern state there is, yet it is not considered SouthWest. And when I moved to FL, the most Southern state of all, I learned it is not considered Southern in the least. Now I live in the most South-Eastern corner of the city, yet it is not called "South East." South East is actually in the center of the city.

VE said...

leelee - Is that the "no musician left behind" policy they secretly added awhile back? Good point...

marie - You'd think it was the Holy Grail you've been seeking in getting to the Southern part of anything. I've been known to go south but they didn't call that southern either, they called it crazy.

VE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leelee said...

I believe it is VE

Bee said...

What about yodeling? Are they anti-yodelites?

Matt-Man said...

You are soooo right. I don't even watch the Grammy's any longer. Haven't in years. Cheers!!

cathouse teri said...

Yeppers. The Blues Brothers. So you are hard to trip up on movie quotes?

How about this one: (It may not be verbatim)

"I only want to stay here with you slightly more than I want to die trying to escape."

lime said...

i can just imagine the board of voters sitting around discussing the nominess for Best Performance by an Orchestra or Instrumentalist with Orchestra - Primarily Not Jazz or for Dancing. and then "hey, I saw Joe tapping his toes to selection #5! that's an automatic disqualification!"

lime said...

just saw your comment at my place and don't know if you come back to look for responses or not so i am here to say i am impressed if you are that into crayons and know that much about crayola.

i live an easy drive from the crayola factory which is a very cool place to visit. here's a little linky to a post about the place i did over the summer. in case you are interested.
http://houseoflime.blogspot.com/2007/08/field-trip.html

VE said...

leelee - I knew it!

bee - It's a conspiracy. I've been in the Yodeling Rebel Force for some time now. We're cracking those anti-yodeling imperiasts little by little...

matt-man - It's good for helping you sleep though.

teri - Ok, so you stumped me right off...can't believe it. I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy

lime - That's funny. Yeah, what a weird thing.

Carla said...

Heavy metal polka...hmm...I wonder if that's big in Germany.

HeyJoe said...

I'm totally out of touch with "today's music," and yet I still yearn for simpler times.

VE said...

lime - Interesting post on Crayola. Did you know that two of your factoids from them are not true? The one about only three crayons being renamed...puleeze! That is such an urban myth. I can prove that one wrong in a heartbeat. The other is the number of colors; they always get that one wrong. Yes, the reality is that I actually know their history and product line better than they do. I even had a conference call with four of their VPs once. My collection contains more of their original product line from the 1903-1920 years than even they have. I went to the Smithsonian and saw their collection and mine dwarfs that one too. They had only about 5 boxes I didn't. If you want to see the extent of my collection and knowledge, check out www.crayoncolleting.com as it is my website.

VE said...

carla - Only in the secret polka underground movement in Berlin...

heyjoe - I think most everyone reaches that point. I haven't reached it but I do feel lost in trying to describe what kind of music I listen to.

cathouse teri said...

Oh unworthy one. It's ok. Even the best of worthful ones can't name this one. Was cruel of me to pick such an obscure quote.

You have to agree, it's a great line though, right?

Continental Divide
Belushi

VE said...

teri - DANG! I just saw that not long ago. I knew that line was familiar but couldn't place it. Good one...

Quilldancer said...

I pretty much listen to the oldies station and wish I were a teen again with three dates to choose from on Saturday night, no job and someone else to do the cooking and cleaning ....

VE said...

quilldancer - I could do without the homework, chores, inadequate allowance and lack of a decent vehicle from those times though

Serena Joy said...

I quit watching the Grammies years ago, quite possibly because the categories got too confusing. I'd watch your show, though -- as long as there's no Rap. I might consider listening to Heavy Metal Polka Rap.:)

VE said...

I wonder if anybody actually watches the grammies. What if everyone just "said" they watched it when in actuality they were doing more interesting things like cleaning bathroom grout or counting to a million by 17s...

Jeff said...

Wait... you mean these awards are about music and not about grandmas in swimsuits? Holy crap, I've been avoiding them for years!

VE said...

jeff - Hah, good one. Shhhhh...don't tell anyone but that's why I secretly started to watch them in the first place.

lime said...

interesting on the facts and such. i took my info from the crayola website itself after my visit there so i am kind of surprised by all that. i would have assumed they'd get their own information correct.

lime said...

only really had a chance to peruse the site. looks pretty extensive. now that i think about it i believe i took the bit about 3 renamed crayons from an exhibit in the museum itself. anyway, not arguing with you. just telling ya what i found and where.

Mr Farty said...

Love the parody in the sidebar.

I'd blogroll you, but, you know, your rules make my head spin.

VE said...

mr. farty - Don't worry, you're already linked by leaving this comment. There's nothing you have to do for that stuff (except comment if you want to move up on the list). The update to that list usually lags by about a week. Otherwise, enjoy if you like it. I'll come visiting and return the favor.

VE said...

lime - I think some of their embarassement is that they have misinformation. For example, the notion of them changing the color "flesh" because of the civil rights movement is fantasy. First off, they used the color Flesh Tint, then Flesh, then changed it to Pink Beige then back to Flesh and finally to Peach. Flesh is a valid color though; look at the palm of anyone on the planet and you'll get a flesh color. There are some variations but not like we think of for skin color. Anyway, I just laugh at their continued misinformation. Sort of an insider collecting joke...

Kurt said...

Tom Petty could definitely kick those Green Day boys' asses! It's no contest!

justacoolcat said...

It's about time. I've been looking for a decent opening act for the night my country-funk-deathmetal-polka groove band plays out.

Have a name yet?

I can loan you "Backhoes and Bulldozers"

RED MOJO said...

I'm from the Green Day would crush Tom Petty camp, but I think you are correct sir! Too many catagories, specialties, labels, genres, I don't favor anything, I like what I like, and it comes from all over the musical spectrum. Don't watch the awards anymore.

VE said...

kurt - Oh, I'm staying out of this argument...

justacoolcat - Sounds like you are ready to sweep the awards!

red mojo - Like I told Kurt, I'm not taking sides on the Tom Petty Green Day thing.

RED MOJO said...

At first I thought this post was going to be about an industry devoted to "stupid music". Boy is my face, well...red.

VE said...

red mojo - Yeah...you got it! Although I will admit to like some music...I did actually illegally download over 4000 songs; just don't tell anyone.

Alex L said...

We have the ARIA's over here, Australian Recording Industry Awards, an we have the exact opposite problem, not enough categories... well we lack a metal category, I dont care about the rest. The rest can go take a long walk off a short pier.

Jeffrey Ellis said...

Don't even get me started on the music industry. My old heavy metal/bluegrass fusion band, The Mÿthryl Cowpokes, couldn't get a break, and we had one of the best double-necked fretless electric zither players in the business.

Oh BTW, VE, I tagged you for the "Six Word Memoir" meme. Rules can be obtained from my latest post. Lucky you! ;-)

damon said...

I'm still waitin for the "old as hell but still rockin it" category.

...and the award goes to

Tom Petty and the Hipbreakers.

Kanrei said...

I have not been able to comment due to my jealousy of your amazing comment numbers. I admit it. The green eyed monster is on my shoulder as I read your great posts and then see the huge number of responses. I am coming to grips with it slowly. It is a fault on my part.

VE said...

alex l - We'd gladly give you a bunch of ours. Taken 'em. Please...

jeffrey - ok, that's a short tag and I've got a stock VE answer for it. Stay tuned.

damon - Good one. Sounds painful to watch...

kan - Yeah, but remember, over half of them are just me replying. You remember when I had only about 3 to 4 comments and you were one of them. I get them the old fashioned way though. I read and comment on a lot of blogs. I post 6 days a week. I'm happy to make a fool of myself for the entertainment of others. Don't be jealous; just enjoy the party.