Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Things I learned on my trip to San Diego

1. The airline doesn’t allow you to race remote control cars on board! Damn. Yep, that’s right, it’s right there on the safety card in each seat. No remote control cars! Way to ruin all my plans there big airline companies! What’s more fun than taking your big four wheel drive monster truck remote and flying it down the aisle of the plane terrorizing the flight crew and first class?

You know, the whole safety card is a perplexing concept as it is. The thought of landing ANYWHERE from a plane full of jet fuel and traveling at 600mph is anything but calm. Do you really think a little placard with pictures is going to make all that better and we’ll all be informed?

And now with the new non-text visual images, we’re supposed to “just get it” by simply looking at the picture. Perhaps I had too many complementary beverage refreshments, but go ahead and help me pick the appropriate choice for these important visual instructions:

A. In an effort to make your delay more enjoyable, we’ve set up the emergency inflatable ramps for you to use.
B. In the event of an emergency evacuation, we will be judging all exit routines for both style and mandatory technical moves.
C. Though panic may ensue during an actual emergency exit, going head first down the inflatable ramp is not prohibited

A. Defecation is not permitted except in designated receptacles.
B. Please do not leave the airline meatloaf roll from dinner on the lavatory floor; feces humor is not necessarily pleasant for all passengers.
C. Warning. Watch for wayward feces; first class passengers have complimentary drinks

A. In the event of an airline food related occurance (AFRO), please double over until your turn in the feces overloaded lavatory becomes available.
B. While we vainly try to calm you before the imminent crash, you are welcome to double over and contemplate your life
C. Our inflight cardio and toning class will only take 45 minutes and have you in shape and smell profusely within no time.

A. Due to budget cutbacks, all economy passengers are required to help with minor maintenance duties prior to boarding the plane.
B. Due to terminal overcrowding, we will not be able to park at the terminal. Please exit via the closest emergency exit and follow our easy to read mimeographed map back to the terminal
C. Those passengers with offensive body order will be asked to depart the airplane immediately

A. Complimentary condoms are available to all first class passengers. There is a one time $5 fee for those in economy seating.
B. Here on ‘Party Airlines’ beer udders have been installed in the overhead compartment for your personal drinking needs.
C. If this were an actual emergency, remember, only one of our overhead compartment oxygen masks actually function. Choose wisely.

A. Those passengers with outdated hair styles will be cast into the ocean.
B. In the event you do survive a water landing, you will have 1,293 miles to reach minimum safe land destination to further survive.
C. Airline policy is that we do not compensate wardrobe cleaning or replacement in the event of an actual water landing situation.

2. While I was in San Diego, I was with my kids, so I did the required San Diego Zoo, Sea World and then went up to Legoland. The roller coasters, while pretty tame, were actually quite scary at Legoland. The thought of riding on a coaster made only of legos was unnerving. I’ve seen how quickly my kids can destroy their lego creations.

3. The mini lego world displays were pretty cool. I was looking at the NY one. The realism was sort of there but I didn’t see any traffic jams. They needed to add about 7,000 taxi cabs to the display. There weren’t any mugging in the alleys and there wasn’t any drug use going on in the parks. Man; what a let down…

4. As far as the San Diego Zoo is concerned, the only thing I have to say besides the fact that this is the best zoo in the world is that if I’m ever on the run from a manhunt, I’m going to move there. Nobody would ever find me among the 18,245 pathways they have there.

24 comments:

Matt-Man said...

I've always wanted to go down the Emergency Slide. Wheeeeeee. Cheers!!

RED MOJO said...

LOL at the outdated hairstles cast into the sea, and the 1293 miles to further survive. Very funny stuff.
Congrats on taking 2nd place at MP too. Wow! :)

leelee said...

wow...great post today VE ..ok every day, but this one still has me gigglin'. Man, too bad Legoland is so far away...I'd like to see that...amazing! Although I quite agree about that roller coaster. While I am an adventurer, that sounds a bit frightening..all you need is a two coupler Lego trying to fit into a one coupler at the base....are those even called couplers? I don't even know..

ok, I'm done here.

VE said...

matt-man - The key is surviving to be able to...

red mojo - Thanks.

leelee - I don't know if they are called coupler's or not. I'm sure there is a term for it; I should go off to wikipedia...

Serena Joy said...

I'd like to visit Sea World and the SD Zoo. I will, however, have to swim the distance because I hereby vow to never fly again. If I leave tomorrow, I could be there by, oh, 2010.:)

Kanrei said...

You missed the key point. Those cards are designed to protect you incase of crash, not the information on those cards. They made of a super-strong nano-technology I can only hint about without having to kill everyone who comes here, but trust me on this.

Why does nobody ever read the white text on the white paper? It is all spelled out right there.

VE said...

sj - But just think, you could see the largest ball of string in the USA, get chased by rednecks, and all kinds of other interesting things on the way...

VE said...

kan - Sure, give away our national secrets. I'm wearing a safety card right now...because you can never be too safe!

HeyJoe said...

Awesome post.

Additional comment for pic #.

"First class passengers will be allowed to shake hands with our midget pilots upon disembarking."

OK, maybe not. These are great though.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

i had a bal in SD when i was there last sept. sounds like your first plane ride lol. sorry for making u think folk

Jacki said...

The San Diego Zoo rocks!!

Did you know Legos are from Denmark? Until recently they have all been manufactured there. We'll be going to THE Lego Land in Denmark this summer....


Oh sure, you can come live with us....as long as you clean and cook.

VE said...

heyjoe - Good addition! You're the first to add a new one!

torrance - Wish I could say that it was my first, but I've got over a million flying miles and all the hassle to go with it.

jacki - I didn't know they were made in Denmark. No wonder they work...

Kurt said...

A. Those passengers with outdated hair styles will be cast into the ocean.

indeed!

sprinkle4 said...

LMAO!! I have never been on a plane before in my life..I did not know of the existence of these cards of which you speak. My husband told me that yes, Virginia, they DO exist. I am now glad that I have never been on a plane.

Outdated hairstyles cast into the sea.....now that's classic!

And I, for one, ocassionally enjoy a little fecal humor:)

VE said...

kurt - Seems the sensible thing to do

sprinkle4 - Boy, I could seriously spend a week or two with posts just on stupid airline things

Carla said...

I don't think I've ever seen that bathroom pic...what airline are you using? Or am I just not paying attention. And really, what was that all about???

VE said...

carla - Just airline wackiness

ChristineEldin said...

Hi Ve,
THanks for visiting my blog!
I clicked on your name at the Mattress site, but couldn't get to your blog.

I've always wanted to go the San Diego Zoo. And I've always wanted to slide down the airplane on that inflatable slidy board.


(I've started writing something called the "Dubai Chronicles" which I send out as emails. Due to the nature of some of it, I don't want to put it on my blog because I don't want people googling certain words and getting my site. Please drop me an email if you want to be included on the list. THere are 4 so far, and they're not very long.)

Cheers!
:-)

Maureen said...

"C. If this were an actual emergency, remember, only one of our overhead compartment oxygen masks actually function. Choose wisely."

Har! My favorite!!!

Love it, funny post!

NYD said...

I went to the PETA zoo last time I was in the states. It was pretty cool having the animals run free and feeding on the visitors.

VE said...

christine - Thanks and welcome. Don't know why you couldn't link from Diesel's site. I might have made an error on linking the blog during the comment though.

maureen - Thanks.

nyd - I've never been there. I must say that while the San Diego zoo is incredible, it doesn't hold a candle to being out in the Serengeti with real live animals...

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

God, I hope my hairdo isn't outdated...

GC said...

I love this:Those passengers with outdated hair styles will be cast into the ocean

there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth!

VE said...

arizona - Well if it is, it's going to get wet!

gc - Teeth gnashing...don't try that at home.