Thursday, April 10, 2008

Albums to Avoid for the Rest of your Life - Part 2

All right, I feel it’s safe to proceed. I don’t think you will explode. I’ve safely parsed these up into 8 albums per post. And NO, I don't own these, VE and his researchers scour the world so you don't have to suffer. Anyway, you got the first dose back on Monday. And don’t even think I used up the best of the worst during part one. Just check it out…

Oh yeah, baby. And you thought RAP was risqué. You gotta go WAAAY back to this one. I mean come on, look at that album cover? The lyrics are explicit; it even says so somewhere on the album. I don’t think he’s related to Bruce Willis…

And you thought they were just an Odd Couple. Well, now, thanks to this album, they’re an Odd Couple of Singers! Why is it that actors feel the need to sing? Sure, some can make the cross-over but just because they can, does that really mean any can? I think not and this proves it!

Drugs are involved here; I’d bet on it! Seriously, what the hell? Now, this album has nothing to do with the game show. It’s billed as “sexucational songs scientifically sung.” Exactly how do you scientifically sing a song? Through a test tube? Oh, and check out the songs: “I Never Saw a Crack Like that Before” or “If you Can’t Find a Nail, I’ll Give you a Screw”. I don’t even know what to say to that! I guess that they are all done with a nice piano accompanying her and they aren’t tongue-in-cheek either. Drugs I tell you…

And you thought Barney was the first truly obnoxious child character… Try these on for size! That’s right, and they have an album. I don’t remember them, thank God, but I’m sure somebody has repressed memories that will suddenly come out upon seeing this album. I can only imagine what it must sound like. They’re probably using it instead of waterboarding over a Guatanamo Bay. Oh, and check out their names: Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork. Let me guess, Bingo is the drummer…how Beatles rip off can you get.

Yeah, I know, you think you’re so clever because you’ve heard him do Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and Mr. Tambourine Man. Well, little did you know that he sold out even worse than that! This is a two-record live set from 1978. It’s so lame, they couldn’t even get licensing rights. Note that he’s not in uniform and that there is no reference to the Enterprise. It’s like the Jefferson Starship. OMG…relegated to the Captain of the Starship. You know you’re at the bottom then! But wait, it gets worse. Note that he’s holding a camera tri-pod like it’s a three barrel gun of some sort. Is that a lame prop or what? “Keep still…I’ve got a tripod…” How did he ever manage to keep a straight face?

You know, the trouble with the music industry is there aren’t enough mass murderers putting out music anymore. Ok, RAP has taken up the slack lately… But hooo boy; are you telling me the FBI won’t be profiling your ass for the rest of your life for buying this album? Oh, and look at the songs:

“People say I’m no Good”. Boy, is that an understatement.
“Cease to Exist” He sort of took this one literally
“Don’t Do Anything Illegal” Whoops…

I just couldn’t have another 8 albums without featuring this. I know you want to shoot him. Every grown adult does. I know you can’t; your kids or grand kids or friend with the kids won’t let you. It’s tragic. What worries me is that he even has enough songs to make an album and that the "early years" implies he has some later. I thought the “I love you, you love….” was enough sugary sap to drown you alone. I was wrong.

Of course, if Leonard Nimoy can do it; if William Shatner can do it, well then why not Data from Star Trek the Next Generation! Yes, “Ol’ Yellow Eyes”, now that really inspires me to reach for my wallet. More like the car keys…and leave really fast! And never come back.

Whew! That’s it. I’m positive there are more out there but it wouldn’t be safe to expose you to any more. Therapy for these alone could last you the rest of your life.

62 comments:

Nessa said...

These are just too scary to contemplate.

VE said...

nessa - That's why I do it to warn you...

Kanrei said...

I actually have that Banana Splits album...I was in a "tacky album war" with a friend in college. He won. He had "Mr. Fatu" who was a Polynesian Elvis impersonator who did not do Elvis songs; he did Sanatra ones.

"One banana
Two banana
Three banana
four
Four bananas make a bunch
and so do many more
Tra-la-la
Tra-lala-la
Tra-la-la
La-lala-la

VE said...

kan - That Elvis impersonater one sounds scary too. But I find it more scary that you are singing the Banana Splits songs. I've called in reinforcements...try not to hurt yourself until they get there...lol

Jacki said...

That first one is hilarious!! The precursor to I Like Big Butts!

lime said...

that is a seriously disturbing set of albums. and brace yourself...i remember the banana splits. i used to watch them on tv when i was a kid.

singing along with kanrei now.....hehehe

VE said...

jacki - Apparently so; I wonder if they lended some consulting advice for that one too

lime - Sure, you call them disturbing and then lay the most disturbing part of it all on me...you know Banana Splits. Is this is some sort of Invasion of the Body Snatchers movie. First Kan, now you...run...

Sunshine said...

Banana Splits are on Boomerang channel around noon. It freaks my youngest daughter out big time. There are a lot of drugs involved on that, I swear.

cathouse teri said...

Yeah, I remember the Banana Splits. Thanks for dredging that up out of the murky parts of my mind.

Regarding Shatner, I love some of the new songs he's putting out.

I'm not kidding.

Matt-Man said...

Shat Rocks!! He deserves a Grammy to go along with that long overdue Emmy that he finally won a couple years ago. Feel the love of Bill. Cheers!!

The Price Line Negotiator Rules. Cheers!!

Jeff said...

Holy crap, you've got some mad photo shop skilz my man! These are awesome.

I love that the "chick" on the first album is biting her bottom lip in funk angst as she gets on down. Too funny.

Kanrei said...

SPLITS FANS UNITE!!!!! Crush the Sour Grapes! And yes, I did set my Tivo to record the Splits when I learned they were on Boomerang. Sid and Marty Kroft rule!

HR Puffinstuff
Whose your pal when things get tough
HR Puffinstuff
You can't do a little
If you can't do enough

Not sure about those last lines.

cathouse teri said...

I think my parents may have owned that "balloon girl" album. Or some like it.

When I got older, I asked my mother why she is so amazed that I turned out the way I did when I grew up listening to songs like, "Hey, Big Spender!"

Bee said...

The Shatner one disturbes me.
It just looks... perverted.

VE said...

sunshine - Oh no, now everyone will be flocking to their satellite/cable cannels to check them out. That is a bit scary. I'm going to make a mental not to check this out because I think there is another entirely different blog post here somewhere

teri - See, I knew somebody would remember those Banana Splits characters, sorry it had to be you. You can always join Kan's fan club for them though! As far as Shatner, I'm this is one of those new diseases and there is medication you can take to remedy that. Just ask your doctor. Lol

matt-man - Yeah, I knew you and Shat were buddy buddy. Long as I don't hear about him being near your obilesk...

jeff - I'd like to tell you I photo shopped these. I'd really like to tell you that. The sad fact is that all of these are REAL!

kan - Oh great, you're gathering fans right and left now. And quit scaring me with these scary kids theme songs. Next thing you know you'll be quoting La la from Teletubbies!

Teri - Growing up with that album might explain a lot! My parents had some wild stuff I remember. They were into all the 60s stuff. But I sure don't remember anything as odd as that album.

VE said...

Bee - You crack me up. I never looked at it THAT way. That's a bit disturbing, there are only so many orifices you know!

Kurt said...

Brent Spiner is my uncle, you bastard.

iamnot said...

Ok, I WANT that album with the Price is Right girl.
Drugged out zombie chicks are high on my list of turn ons.

Tell me the Brent Spinner album is fake...please.

Anette said...

Are you 100% sure you don't have all of these in the back of your closet?

VE said...

kurt - One of the challenges I have is that people never know what is real and what is something I'm just messing with them on. But you seem to set the bar on that. I can never tell when you are serious and when you are messing with me. I'm gonna say you're messing with me this time.

iamnot - I KNEW you'd be in favor of that album! ;) Oh, and I'm sorry to say, the Brent Spiner album is real. I wish I could make up stuff this bad, but I don't know if I could be THAT talented.

anette - It is a risk I have to take having people wonder if I secretly have any of these. But I will say it now: "I have absolutely none of these!" Thank goodness...

Michelle Ann said...

Yikes! My mom owned an Anthony Perkins album.... I just couldn't get past the fact that Norman Bates was singing...although, he could have been the original Drag Queen if he had performed in his "mother" outfit...

VE said...

michelle - See, this is why I need to stop seeking out the scary end of music. I might find that album! LOL

justacoolcat said...

Why do you keep making fun of my music collection?

Excuse me while I "stoop down".

RED MOJO said...

Wow, How about a ninth with Shatner trying to shoot Barney with his tripod, and Manson as his back up singer?

damon said...

Jack Klugman may be one of the most under rated singers of all the sloppy, raspy voiced, divorced room mates.

I miss his sweet, sweet, melodies.

VE said...

justacoolcat - Because its there! Oh wait, that's why they climb moutains... Stoop down! That's gotta come back into vogue!

red mojo - Hah. Good one. I don't know that I'd want Manson behind me though. Just sayin'...

damon - He is underrated isn't he? Good one...

HeyJoe said...

I will add myself to the list of "Those Who Remember the Banana Splits." Good stuff actually. They had little shows within the show that they would play: "Danger Island" "Gulliver’s Travels" "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer."

I’m sure drugs were involved in the production, as with every other show produced in the late 60’s/early 70’s. DEFINITELY those Sid and Mary Krofft productions. Come on, HR PUFnstuff? They were puffing some stuff all right.

And “Stoop down baby, let your daddy see,” Is just gross.

VE said...

heyjoe - I'm going to now pretend that you didn't know the names of the mini shows within the Banana Splits show...

leelee said...

I remember the Banana Splits..ok they were more my sisters bag than mine, she was a whole 3 years younger than me. My favorite obnoxious characters were HR Pufnstuf (who's your friend when things get rough) and The Bug-a-loos (they're in the air and everywhere). I never had any of their records though :-(

Thanks for the trip down memory lane..I think

Kanrei said...

Jan-Michael Vincent (Airwolf) started on Danger Island...I mean what are those shows?


PS-Snork played the Drums. Bingo was the guitarist/ lead singer...I mean I have no idea.

VE said...

leelee - I've really uncovered a can of...Banana Splits watchers. Yikes. And I won't acknowledge HR Pufnstuf. You can't make me, you can't make me.

Kan - Stop it. Nobody should know who played what instrument!

Qelqoth said...

I want all these albums. Especially "The Price is Right". That one is bound to break the ice at parties. Actually, most of them are bound to break the ice at parties but that one especially so.

Qelqoth said...

There I go, screwing up my URL. I tell you - the prospect of owning that "The Price is Right" LP is just too damned exciting.

C said...

LOL! William Shatner Live! Too funny! Poor Will. I saw him years ago performing at the Shakespeare Festival in Stratford (Ontario, Canada). Now he's resorted to doing commercials about fibre in your cereals.

These were all great, however the first album cracked me up big time.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I LOVED the Banana Splits. Loved them.

VE said...

qelqoth - You're right, that would be quite the party ice breaker. A few of those albums might break glass too

c - I get the feeling there is nothing Will Shatner wouldn't do as an endorsement! "Stoop Down Baby"...its making a comeback! LOL

shieldmaiden96 - There you go, adding to that fan base! It's like Cockroaches, find one and you find a million...

leelee said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvUvC2dDKWA

VE said...

leelee - OMG. I can't TAKE it!! LOL

Anndi said...

they aren’t tongue-in-cheek

I lost it when I read this....

This kind of torture is enough to make me want to grab a tripod and shoot someone... thank you for not including song snippets in this post.
The look on the girl's face in the first one makes me think she sat on the tripod...

*shudder*

I am ashamed to say that my alma mater has a student building named after Shatner... after that happened I burned my diploma.

Serena Joy said...

I read them all, and tried really hard to resist coveting the Odd Couple album and the sexucational songs. I failed. I am seriously disturbed. Can you send me an address to which to forward my therapy bill?:-)

leelee said...

right VE?? too funny!!

Marie said...

I once owned a copy of The Simpsons Sing the Blues.

VE said...

anndi - That's is so funny. I had to go back and check out her expression. I think you're right, she's been borrowing that tripod.

sj - Sorry, I only counsel animals. People are just too difficult

leelee - Uggh. :)

marie - Was it bad? The Simpsons could be good. I'm not sure about Blues though...

Naughty Lakota said...

you are totally proving i have a bit of the masocist in me.
Shatner one was kinda funny though.
~shudder~

VE said...

naughty lakota - You secretly want these albums, don't you?

Anndi said...

Or maybe she was just in agony from the torture...
But... I.really.do.think.it.was.Shatner's.tripod.

VE said...

anndi - You'd look like that too if you had to listen and then dance to it. ha ha

Bunk said...

Regarding Chick Willis' "Stoop Down Baby" ...wow. I have that one on a cd compilation. It's actually not a bad song, excepting the innuendo:

"Stoop down baby, let me jack you up, jack you up, Stoop down Baby..."

Gimme a day to find the title and the link. --Bunk

captain corky said...

There are three in there that I must have!

Kelley said...

I had the whole Muppets collection. Had them on rotation with my mums old Abba and Bee Gees. All sounded the same and cultivated by awesome singing voice that causes dogs to howl and Boo to scream 'please no singing mummy, pleeeeeeeease!'

VE said...

bunk - Now who HAS some of these? Bwahahaha

Captain Corky - Well obviously I know one!

kelley - Now you're going to scare me to huh? Muppets music....

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Chick Willis isn't really a chick at all.

Or is he?!!!??

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

The Banana Splits! I remember! I remember!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Brent Spiner is a fellow Houstonian.

The pride!

VE said...

elastic - Good question! After seeing that album...nothing surprises me

suburban - Yes, join the fan club. It seems I'm a magnet now for the fans. Sheez!

elastic - Well then you should be asking him what heck he was thinking on doing that!

Beth said...

I'm happy to see Alvin and the Chipmunks avoided your wrath.
(They are sacred.)

VE said...

beth - I spared them only because its not Christmas time...

Alex L said...

Old yellow eyes, ah nothing says soulful voice like the thought you might have liver failure...

And that first one is just creep city, bend down let daddy see, wow.

VE said...

alex l - Yeah, liver failure isn't sexy... "Stoop Down Baby" now there's your new phrase...

Dale said...

I remember the Banana Splits and now you owe me for therapy VE!!

VE said...

dale - I feel bad about; I really do!

Bunk said...

VE-- Still lookin' for that Chick Willis thang.

"Stoop down, baby, let your daddy see;
"You got somthin' down there bothrin' the hell outta me..."