Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Men's Secret Flow Chart

I was recently having lunch with a couple of co-workers. I like to have lunch with them so I can keep up on the work gossip even though I actually don’t ever go to work. Plus, I need to prepare myself for that inevitable day, April 16th. That’s the day, try as I might, I cannot avoid having to go to work. You can refresh your memory here.

But these co-workers, being women, were lamenting about their spouses imperfections. It basically goes like this:

Worker1: So I told Ron (her husband) very specifically to finish the yardwork

Worker2: Ok

Worker1: But he didn’t utter a sound. This means either he didn’t hear me or he was ignoring me.

Worker2: So what did you do?

Worker1: Well I asked him again and then specifically asked if he heard me.

Worker2: And?

Worker1: He snapped back and yelled at me not to repeat myself and that he’d heard me

Worker2: Wow. That seems rude

Worker1: I know. I hate asking him because I always have to go through this process to make sure he really heard me and he’ll get it done.

Worker2: What do you do?

Worker1: I just end up doing it myself and avoid that conflict. Either way I end up doing it because if I don’t confirm, invariably he claims he didn’t hear me.

Worker2: Yeah, my husband does the same thing.

At this point both women look at me.

“Ok, ok. There is a secret flow chart that all men receive on how to handle this situation.”

Here’s the flow chart (sorry for letting the cat out of the bag guys)

38 comments:

RED MOJO said...

Wow, my mother's going to love that flow chart! I have to print that out! You're a genius!

Matt-Man said...

Ha. Ron is one smart Mo-Fo. Here's to him, and you. Cheers!!

leelee said...

Damn!

well, we can always withhold sex I guess.

Damn..I can't do that!

Anette said...

You are so clever Ve! This is obviously a well used trick all over the world!

Bee said...

OH MY GOD!!!

I have nothing to say!

Nothing!

damn

damon said...

Over at Casa de Damon, it's just me. If I don't do it, it don't get did.

Like the chart though.
You even stumped Bee with this one!
(not an easy feat)

VE said...

red mojo - I see this one going around email like wildfire!

matt-man - A tradition of subliety that has taken eons to perfect

leelee - It's such a Catch-22, isn't it?

anette - Yes, seems all males and females understand this one ;)

bee - Speechless? This is even better than winning Diesel's photo capture contest. I'm gonna have to make a banner "I left Bee Speechless", ha ha

damon - Well now you have the chart in the event you end up not going the solo route. It's a male imperative to follow it to the letter! Ha ha

Qelqoth said...

The wife is not going to like me printing that off and sticking it on the refrigerator. But damnit, I'm going to anyway. :)

Kanrei said...

I forgot about your holiday chart. Can I join your faith please?

I guesss I need a wife. Right now, at my house, the process goes as such:

1. I see something that needs doing
2. I ignore it and hope it was just my eyes playing tricks
3. I notice it is still there and still in need of doing.
4. I tell my oldest cat to do it for me.
5. My oldest cat pretends to not understand human and continues to lick herself.
6. I demand my youngest cat carry his weight and do it.
7. He pretends I told him to screw with my oldest and a fight soon breaks out.
8. I separate my two cats and try to pick up everything they knocked over during their fight.
9. I notice that whatever it was is still not done and decide it was probably not that important to begin with.

Marie said...

The problem comes with step one. You never TELL a man to do something. You ask nicely. And after he's done it you say thank you, and do something nice (like bring him a beer) to show your appreciation, then call a friend in his presence and make sure he overhears you telling them how great he is and what a good job he did. This way he is much more likely to do stuff in the future, sometimes without even being asked. I mean, how would these women react if their husband TOLD them to do the laundry? Seriously!

sprinkle4 said...

But, see, even if the man actually DOES do the task that you request, in order to ensure that it was done properly, the wife STILL has to do it (or at least re-do it...or at least check on it). So, I don't even waste the energy asking...I just do it myself. And THAT is the secret to my success;)

VE said...

qelqoth - That's the spirit. Tell her its a new law that just got passed...

kan - Cats are much more advanced than we are. We can mimick, but we are not able to control them. They are the masters. I like your approach denial and delusion go very far!

marie - I've heard about female manipulation systems (FMS not PMS) such as this. You are not helping us be all the sloths we can be! I've got you entered in the suspicious tactic use people instigator database (STUPID)...

VE said...

sprinkle4 - See, in the emergency event that we actually HAVE to do something, that is our escape clause; do it poorly or partially and you'll avoid having to do more again down the road!! Men, can't live with 'em; can't kill them legally!

Jeff said...

Too bad you're not feeling well today *cough* *cough*. You should probably call in sick tomorrow - you know, out of respect for your other co-workers, so you don't spread your germs around.

VE said...

jeff - That was the plan, wasn't it? Why break tradition and actually go to work...

cathouse teri said...

That's a fun chart.

However, I'm trying to imagine in what situation a woman should be saying about her husband, "So I told (him) very specifically to finish the yardwork."

What is he? Her child?
Married people who get into the habit of telling one another what to do are already working with a bad... er... flow chart.

cathouse teri said...

Also, that "Going Global" post was fantastically nonsensical! :)

Jacki said...

So that is why the trash is never taken out when I want it to be taken out....

VE said...

Teri - Her husband is like a little child! "Fantasically nonsensical"...I love it when you say things like that!

jacki - That is the reality. I'm just the messenger...

Mr Farty said...

Jeez VE, thanks for giving the game away! Not that it makes any difference.

I wonder if there's a ladies' secret flowchart?

VE said...

mr. farty - If there were one, would we really be able to make sense of it anyway?

cathouse teri said...

Well just maybe... she has taught him to be like a little child!

Oh, it's a vicious cycle.

Kurt said...

My jobs at the house: preparing meals, doing dishes, doing laundry, house cleaning, snow shoveling.

Her jobs: taking out trash on Sunday, mowing lawn annually.

VE said...

Teri - That's it! That means I can blame past relationships for never growing up! Cool...

kurt - Take the chart. Study the chart. Be the chart.

Michelle Ann said...

OMG! That is hilarious! Guess that's why I alway mutter as I am doing the chores, "If I want something done, I guess I just have to do it myself."

cathouse teri said...

Yay! Do it! And I'll dance a jig and sing a jingle while you do!

VE said...

michelle - It all becomes clear now, doesn't it?

Teri - You can jingle? I know how to juggle but not jingle...

justacoolcat said...

Traitor!

cathouse teri said...

I know how to jingle AND jangle!

G-Man said...

1..Flow chart was dead on perfect!!

2..Boy!! You got wayyy too much time on your hands :D
Great Job...G

VE said...

justacoolcat - They paid me a lot of money though...

teri - You are certainly multi-talented!

g-man - You're dead on about my time too

Alex L said...

Thats the engenuity of the 'household male' for you.

Theresa said...

Lucky for me my husband hasn't seen this yet. He doesn't seem to know about it and actually does the things I ask him to. Sometimes without me even asking. I am so making sure he doesn't see this post.

Theresa said...

I need to stop shopping for a new husband and start looking for a house-boy.

VE said...

alex l - We put our efforts toward devious uses, don't we?

theresa - I'll have to Fed Ex a copy to his work, ha ha

theresa - Welcome. I'm told House hboys come with extra perks and benefits too. Shop early, shop often...

HeyJoe said...

I'm going to print out a copy of that flow chart to put on our fridge.

VE said...

heyjoe - I'm sure the wife will appreciate that...

Gerome Klaus said...

LOL
I love the way you use flowcharts :))

Will use it in university for sure.

BTW what tool have you use for drawing this. Looks like mine, Conceptdraw PRO