Thursday, April 03, 2008

News from Oz

Authorities thwart Genocide plans toward Wicked Witches relatives

OZ.
Authorities acting on a tip from an apple tree alongside the Yellow Brick Road went onto the property of the former Tin Man’s home and arrested former Munchkin mayor Bartholomew Wickwhip on weapon charges and conspiracy to commit genocide.

Yes, Mr. Wickwhip had amassed the largest arsenal of super-soakers and other water weapons ever seen in the Land of Oz according to Emerald City officials. The surviving family members of the Wicked Witch of the West were to be his ultimate target. Fearing another domination by Wicked Witches, the mayor had been secretly amassing and plotting this effort for some time.

Of course, Wicked Witches are officially on the endangered creatures list and therefore it is an Emerald City felony to hunt or kill them. “It’s been hard times for witches ever since Dorothy poured the bucket of water on the Wicked Witch of the West,” commented Darth Wizardess, top ranking Emerald City Wizard Watch employee.

Indeed right after the incident with Dorothy, the Wicked Witch of the North West and the Wicked Warlock of the South East both went underground. Flying monkeys couldn’t even get jobs with the local organ grinder union as sidekicks. Most of them hung out by the side of the Yellow Brick Road with cardboard signs begging for money saying that the government raided and stole their evil castle. Some were found languishing in the poppy fields for far too long.

Some of the remaining witch family members had been living in house-drop free zone just off the Scarecrow’s corn patch in hopes of trying to maintain normal everyday evil lives. “They were always mistrusting them; everyone just assumes they wanted total Oz domination when in fact most of them were content with small local evil doings,” reports one local resident.

We talked to one of the witches that wished to remain anonymous. “Sure it’s been tough now that everyone knows that water melts us. I can’t tell you how many prank sprinklers I’ve received in the mail. And these super soakers, they propel water so far now. It’s not safe to go even close to the Yellow Brick Road anymore.”

So it seems that while Mr. Wickwhip is in custody and his plot thwarted, life continues to remain hard for those witches still living in Oz.

39 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Pssst -- Organization of an insurrection to spring the Mayor and take care of this problem once and for all is underway. We know the West is full of WMD -- and not just because Dick Cheny says so. My furry flying intelligence agents confirm that Witches Muttering Doom are poised to wreak havoc at every turn, and we're not going to take it any more. We have had it with Munchkin abuse, Tin-Man snipping, Scarecrow burning, and the continued harassment of lions and small girls from Kansas. Join the movement and send in your donations now! I'm personally donating 13 crates of semi-automatic water guns and 8 pre-fab houses, but money is needed for more. Do it for the long-suffering Munchkins of Oz. The Lollypop Guild will thank you profusely.

Love, Glinda

VE said...

sj - Hah. Good one. I knew you were part of the rebel alliance and supporting those lollypop addicts. LOL

RED MOJO said...

The press makes those evil witches sound like the victims! Poppy Pedals! They terrorize the rest of on a daily basis.
I will join the rebel faction bent on ridding our lovely lollypop land of evil once and for all!

WA said...

I don't know why those Wicked Witches are so scared of water because obviously they all need a good exfoliation to clear up those nasty green complexions.

VE said...

red mojo - Don't worry I have the plans of their secret base. A little rain and presto...

wa - Green isn't a good makeup foundation, is it?

Serena Joy said...

Red Mojo has the right attitude for this Wicked Witch eradication war. She'll make lieutenant in no time. I'd say some serious witch butt is about to get kicked. Shock and awe!:)

VE said...

sj - With the two of you behind it, I don't think the witches have a chance! Besides, pointed hats are so last century...

Theresa said...

Hmmm...maybe if I throw a bucket of water on Ro's math teacher...I'm sure she's a witch.

captain corky said...

"and the Wicked Warlock of the South East both went underground"

LOL! That was great, thanks for the laugh.

VE said...

theresa - I think to be a math teacher at all you have to be a witch...who else would inflict such pain on a child.

captain corky - Just laugh with me, not at me. Well, you can do that later too...

Kanrei said...

As a founding member of the “Wicked Witch’s Association of Associates and Junior Spell Casting Fiends,” I, for one, was very happy with the fairness of VE’s report. It is true that the Mayor of Munchkinland, the “honorable” AKA Horrible Bartholomew Wickwhip is, in fact, a terrorist sympathizer. There obviously cannot be any other reason for a mass collection of various water hurling devices other than the mass extermination of a small group of people who simply choose to follow a faith different than the masses.

It is not our fault that we are over 3 feet in height nor is it our fault, regardless of what Bartholomew Wickwhip says, that you are under 3 feet in height. Remember, that Dorothy bitch started all this by dropping a house on our leader….a house from fucking Kansas no less!

iamnot said...

The witches will survive.
I hear the nastiest ones will get seats on the UN's human rights commission and start accusing the victims of witchcraft of "hate speech" for objecting to being zapped.

VE said...

kan - Too funny. Serena on my left, Kan on my right, here I am stuck in the middle with me...

iamnot - Yes, sad but true. All part of the inevitable lowering of everything good...

Anndi said...

I heard Wickwhip was caught trying on the ruby slippers... He had a coat made from the flying monkeys' fur you know.

Jeff said...

I hear a lot of unemployed witches have been finding work in the water location industry. Apparently they're naturally good at it.

VE said...

anndi - Funny! That's scandalous! Everyone knows that Ruby slippers doesn't go well with monkey fur!

jeff - Yeah, and I don't think they'd like living here in Oregon either. The water isn't hard to find...

Serena Joy said...

Kan, honey, clearly you've never tangled with a wicked witch. I thought you knew why I dropped that house. I can see now that more home schooling is in order.:-)

And -- what's this?! The mayor touched the ruby slippers? Those slippers belong to me. Look out, Mayor Wickwhip!:D

VE said...

Give it up Kan. Serena is all knowing. If I posted a comment to my very first blog post...she'd know it! Scary. We're not worthy.

Anette said...

I'm opening a second hand broom shop by the yellow brick road, tomorrow. Think it can be some money in it...

Locked up my poison apple store yesterday, cause none of the buyers seemed to show up a second time...

leelee said...

You're all to clever today (and every day) I can't think of a cute quip today..I'm drawing a blank..

so I'll just send

HUGS!!

leelee said...

I have commenters block

VE said...

anette - Good idea. You're quite the entrepenuer! Too bad about the apple shop. It's always those little details you don't think about...

leelee - Commenters block is a debilitating disease and I'm sure if you ask your doctor he'll prescribe something.

Kurt said...

What a coincidence. I'm content with small local evil doings too!

VE said...

kurt - Watch out for water....

Chelle B. said...

Hey, I am going to convert my red panda/drunken leprechaun sanctuary into an Munchkin sanctuary now, cuz I feel guilty for all the Munchkins from Oz.

Yep, and they can bring their Oompa Loompa cousins along, too. I'll need lots of man servants and gardeners. :)

VE said...

chelle b. - What a little party you'll have with all of them. Don't forget to invite my gnomes...just keep them out of your garden...

Beth said...

And here I thought all was well in the Land of Oz once the Wicked Witch of the West had melted...
So much for the happy ending to THAT movie.
(However, I think those flying monkeys in the poppy fields are experiencing a happily-ever-after...)

EmmaK said...

all this talk of gnomes, reminds me of a lively gang bang I had a while back with some red hatted fellas. Good things come in small packages...tis true!

VE said...

beth - Yeah, you think its all happy, just wait until I report my trip there tomorrow!

emmak - Welcome. I checked that out. I have this thing for gnomes you know. That was pretty good.

Barry Nong said...

I heard a rumour that the tin man and the scarecrow were quite friendly back stage while making the movie LOL....I cant stop thinking about it when I watch it now.

Bee said...

Those bastards are always coming after me!
Luckily, they really like their ale so I manage to get away.

VE said...

barry - I'm not listening, I'm not listening...

bee - Ale is a good distracter!

The Attorneys for Ass Acne said...

We advise everyone to stay at least 50 feet away from the Yellow Brick Road.

VE said...

attorneys - Is that like a law or or are those just 'guidelines'? Ok, ok, I stole that from Pirate of the Carribean. Sue me! No, wait, you're already attorneys...never mind

Anndi said...

Do you have any idea what they've been doing with Tinman's oilcan?!

shameful...

VE said...

anndi - Scandalous!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

"languishing in the poppy fields for far too long..." Frank Baum may have been there, too, along with Lewis Carroll and Lord Byron, among others.

Still, it's quite amazing how much carnage one 12-year old girl can bring about.

VE said...

Yes, you have to wonder about all three of them. But I guess some people don't even need the poppies to think like that...

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